The Sue Slayers: Attack Of The Clichés
by Epitome of Randomness
Summary: The Maximum Ride fandom is being attacked by clichés! Who can save the Flock from these crazed, black wearing horrors? Well, the Slayers might, but are the clichés too many to handle?
1. Alliteration is Fuuuuuuun!

DOUBLE LINES

**DOUBLE LINES!!**

**Ok, first to those who have read the prequel to this, The Sue Slayers: A New Fangirologist. Welcome back, thanks for being patient, I read Artemis Fowl 6, it was good, run on sentences are annoying and bananas are nice.**

**To those who haven't stepped into the world of the Slayers (and it is a mildly interesting one, may I add!) Hello. My name is Nicola…but you can call me whatever the hell you want. And you are about to enter a slightly deranged world of Mary Sues, flamers, clichés and obscure Australiana references, i.e. Cheese and vegemite toasties. Mmm. Toasties.**

**And addressing the whole stinkin' lot of ya, let the sequel….BEGIN!**

**Oh, you don't have to have read the prequel…it's kind of in the Artemis Fowl section so that could make it a little difficult for some of you.**

**DISCLAIMER: Do I look like James Patterson to you? I really hope not.**

**The Sue Slayers Sequel **

**Chapter One (I will keep track this time, I will!)**

**Alliteration is Fuuuuuuun!**

You know you've had a crappy day when the highlight is someone throwing up on your shoes.

Alex coughed and a few more chunks splattered into the-Oh Miyazaki. Not my Converse.

I stepped back carefully, trying to avoid splashback.

"Honestly." I said. "If you're going to behave like this every time we meet Maximum Ride, I'm gonna make you eat that."

**xOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxO**

Ignore that. It comes in later.

But seriously. It had been a pretty crappy day-

We digress.

Hello, I'm Clare Martin and I'll be your protagonist this fic.

And of course you say, "Clare? Don't tell me you're some Mary Sue with her own Flock and superpowers! I want some Fax! Where's my Fax?"

You'll get your Fax. Just be patient.

The age…14.

The country of origin…I'ma livin' inna Land Downunder.

Australia, nimrod.

The PIN Number, address and mother's maiden name…are none of your business.

I live in the world's most liveable city, Melbourne.

Underground.

Like, underneath Federation Square with the rest of the (Mary) Sue Slayers.

We cut out the Mary because:

a) It doesn't fit on the badges,

b) It sounds clunky and,

c) alliteration is fuuuuuuun!

I'm a Sue Slayer. I fight Mary Sues, bad OCs, Shippers, Flamers and Miley Cyrus music throughout the galaxies. It's the most important job in the Slayers, no matter what the Canonists say.

Canonist. Noun. An expert on a minimum of five Canon characters.

And of course, the Fangirologists and Researchers. Fangirologists are Fangirl hunters and Researchers are the bottom of the food chain, researchers of fics which need a little…lets just call it TLC.

Et cetera, et cetera.

So, where does the shoe spew come into this?

Well, the day had started pretty early. Which means badly, of course.

"ALL SENIOR PERSONNEL, THIS IS A RED ALERT. RED ALERT. ALL SENIOR PERSONNEL, RED AL-"

You get the general idea. That message, along with a high pitched wailing was blasting through the PA system.

I rolled over onto a stack of comics I had been reading, blinked, and squinted at the time.

Two forty…six. In the morning.

What.

The.

Hell.

Someone was going to pay.

I flipped on the light, found my black rimmed glasses and stoggured (not a typo!) out of bed.

I flung open the door.

"What in Miyazaki's name is happening?" Someone yelled.

I scrabbled around my bedside table and found my tattered Sue Slayers handbook.

Code Blue, Code Lavender, Code Aquamarine, Code Puce, Code Mera-Muda, Code Grün, Code CMYK Yellow, Code Greyscale, Code….Nihilism?

There it was. Code Red.

_Excerpt from the Sue Slayers Handbook, page 54_

_**Code Red-**__A medium-high level international alert. When announced, Senior Slayers report to the Briefing Room and await instructions. No food is allowed, but coffee is suggested cos sometimes it takes AAAAGES._

Couldn't anyone in the Slayers take something seriously? If you find a focused, balanced, non ADD suffering Slayer, call me. I'll eat my Bombers beanie.

I grabbed my jacket and crossed the hallway, where I started bashing on the door opposite.

"What the hell is a Code Red?" Hannah yawned, opening the door looking like she'd just gotten back from being beaten up by Fangirls and half drowned a few weeks ago.

Which she had, but whatever.

I cupped my hands around my mouth.

"CODE RED! GO TO THE BRIEFING ROOM, GUYS!"

I grabbed Hannahs elbow and we made our way through the Work Room, past the Fangirl cages and over a pile of Breaking Dawns to the Briefing Room, which was half full of half asleep half adults, or teenagers, as they are more commonly known.

Hannah and I sat at table and began to play a very half-assed game of noughts and crosses.

She was just about to win when Commander Grace Rodgers appeared at the door.

"I was just about to win anyway." She told me.

"Took the words right out of my narration."

"No. Don't tell me-"

"Break it and I crush you."

Commander Rodgers – we did call her Grace, but ranking people is fuuuun – looked seriously wired.

"How many espressos did you get down?" I asked.

Subject of glare: Me.

Instead of beginning to like, talk, or do other Commandery things, Grace sat on the desk at the front and looked at the door.

We all followed her line of sight. Nothing.

Hannah was counting the people in the room.

"We're eight people short, including Elliot." She said. "That's-"

"Josh, Kell, Nic, Tim, Alyssa and Kat. Aaand, um…." One other person…

Hannah frowned, looking around.

"Hey, where's Amelia?"

"Iunno." I'm really coherent, aren't I?

Alyssa, Kell and Josh arrived. I lay my head down on the desk. Comfy.

About ten minutes later, Grace cracked.

"Stuff it." she said. "I'll do it without her. Damn Manga-heads."

With that, she whipped out her laptop and plugged it into the projector that had miraculously appeared.

"Pens and paper out, everyone." She said, opening a document. "Hey, can someone wake Josh up?"

Molly threw a copy of Percy Jackson at Josh, a level ten Slayer. It hit him in the shoulder.

"I'm up!" he yelled.

"Now that we're all here and semi conscious," began Grace. "We have a Red Alert."

"You don't say!" I muttered.

"And if Captain Millie-" Oh boy, she was mad at Amelia. "Was here, she'd be able to tell us everything we needed to know. But of course she's…Hannah, where is Amelia?"

"Ask Tim."

"Tim?"

"I dunno dude. Something to do with an umbrella."

That boy needed to stop watching Blimpage.

Everybody backed away from him slightly.

"I heard the U.S. Again." said Alyssa.

"At least someone is vaguely alert."

Oooh, someone had a favourite. And I had been Grace's apprentice.

"Oh, my Carlisle." Hannah whispered. "She is so Grace's favourite."

I pulled the notebook over and scribbled very quickly:

'_We've been spending waaaaaay too much time together.'_

Hannah wrote back, _'I concur.'_

"Right." Grace clapped her hands. "Sorry I had to wake you all, but you know how paranoid Marcus is. Look. We have a Code Red."

No! Really?

"Basically, we haven't been doing a great job policing the fandoms lately. We've all been a little distracted with Artemis Fowl-"

Glares in Hannah's direction.

"Then of course, the release of Breaking Dawn-"

Sighs from the majority of the girls. I smiled.

"So this Code Red-"

Seriously. Grace could be President of the Department of Redundancy Department.

"Has been issued to deal with the Maximum Ride fandom."

We all groaned.

As I understood it, Maximum Ride was a fairly new book series and had an unpoliced fandom. We were a little more concerned with the others in the Big Four of books; Artemis Fowl, Harry Potter and Twilight.

"We have a backlog of Sues, chat-fics, bad fluff fics and clichés. There's a list in your desks."

Sure enough, a five page, double sided, font size ten list. Fan-bloody-tastic.

"We, the States, the Poms and the Canadians-" Note to self: Make up nickname for Canadian people-"have coordinated this to the T. The U.S. gets the Fangirls, Poms the OOC's and the Canadians seriously begged for the Sues."

Grace clicked through the photos. A short film of a Squee of Fangirls came up, showing them all fighting to the near-death over a tattered Maximum Ride: The Final Warning book. I giggled. Hannah gasped.

There was a picture of a dark haired guy and a brunette with super-tangled hair eating each other's faces, a Sue chasing this weird, pale tall guy.

Another photo appeared. A tall, stooped figure in black robes.

"Gaah! No-Face!"

Grace glanced at me.

"Clare, I need to see you afterwards about your new partner."

"What about Elliot? She's my partner."

Everyone nodded.

The room was silent. You could've heard a bookmark drop.

"I meant apprentice."

Oh, shitake mushrooms. I began to protest again, but Grace pulled out a laser pointer and I was distracted by the pretty light.

"This." The point swirled around the figure. "Is what we are calling a Cliché Wraith. Now, that doesn't exactly roll off the tongue, so we're calling them Barry. Plural, Barries."

Oh, dear Miyazaki. I'll up my offer – find me a serious Slayer. I'll eat my Bombers beanie and the matching scarf.

"They have been appearing in massive numbers in the Maximum Ride fandom."

Kelly put her hand up.

"Um, Barries have been around the fandoms for yonks, in different forms. Why are we, like, scared of these ones?"

"I'll field that one!"

Amelia jumped out of the cupboard.

"How LONG have you been in there?" Grace asked.

"…A while."

Amelia, Captain of the Western Australia, Northern Territory, Queensland, New South Wales, Victoria and South Australia-New Zealand Fangirology Alliance and Hannahs sort of ex-mentor walked over, took the pretty laser pointer and began to do what she did best.

Talk incessantly.

"Basically, the Cliché Wraith – no, I am NOT calling it a Barry, Molly – is like, a vital part of a Mary Sue. Fangirls are its natural enemy, but the Fang and Iggy Squees are so disorganized that they don't know which way is left, up, right or down."

"Literally." Said Tim. All the Fangirologists giggled.

Damn those Fangirologists and their in jokes.

"Amelia, I need to talk to you, now. I want a decision." Grace turned to the rest of us. "Your notes are up here, people. Grab them. Your apprentices will be making you breakfast, yes there will be coffee, and yes I know you're lactose intolerant. Just read your damn notes! Amelia, walk and talk."

Someone was in a Commandery mood.

"There's been a lot of talk and no action this chapter." I muttered.

Hannah slid my notes in front of me.

"Save the breaking for when the action lulls." She advised. "You'll need it."

I looked at the booklet in front of me.

**Maximum Ride Fandom, Mission #B967-C**

**Clare Sarah Martin, Lvl Seven Slayer, Lvl 2 Canonolgy.**

**Apprentice assisted- **Yeah, an apprentice I didn't have.

_Clichés in the Maximum Ride fandom are plentiful, and the top ten have been compiled in this list. Those to be taken by you will be __**bolded**__ and highlighted._

Big whoop.

_The following three assignments are level four and are to be apprentice assisted. They are low-level risk, and are as follows._

I was asleep already.

**xOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxO**

A few hours later, at about five in the morning, I spat my coffee all over the paper.

"I thought Max was a guy!"

I jabbed my finger at cliché 12 – Max gets pregnant.

The room erupted into laughter.

"My Carlisle, Clare! How behind are you with your required reading?" Grace asked.

I frowned. "Well, maybe if you got more manga-heads to read other comics, I wouldn't be so far behind!"

Hey, you try being one of the three Aussies who reads Batman, Spiderman and the Fantastic Four. It's not fun.

Grace ran her hand through her light hair.

"Take ten guys. I want you back here, suited up and ready to go. You'll need tents and, ugh. Amelia can tell you."

I got up and was about to leave when Grace threw an eraser at me.

"Come on, my office."

"I don't want an apprentice. I suck with kids."

Grace rolled her eyes and we began to walk along the corridor to her office.

Ok, I was jumping to conclusions. Most people got seven year old apprentices, super tough little things that you could drop kick across the MCG and they'd come back and whale on you.

And you know, when someone hits me, not matter how cute they are, I hit back.

One of the reasons I wasn't allowed near my baby cousin.

Grace paused at her office door.

"We got you an eleven year old guy. Feel free to retaliate if he hits you."

"Wait, what's his name?"

"Alexander Darcy. Remember Fowl Manor?"

"Not the New Zea-"

"We lost the cup, Clare! Get over it!"

Grace opened the door, to reveal-

My Miyazaki, he was a ranga.

**Phew. Okee-dokee. That's the end of the first chapter. You know, I usually have a ton of things to say at the end authors note…the MCG is the massively huge Melbourne Cricket Ground, where footy is played. The cup Grace references is the Bledisloe Cup, a rugby match between the Aussies and Kiwis. **

**Any other questions, you should ask me in….a REVIEW!**

**Thanks for reading!!**

**Lotsa love,**

**Nicola.**

**Word count: 2254**

**Next chapter up: Week and a bit, I've got rockeisteddford, you see…**


	2. Do not hit the ranga, do not

Mmmm…

**Mmmm….chicken.**

**Now, quickly, because I forgot this last time:**

**Clichés. I have a list of about fourteen for this fandom, all branching out into their little storylines, but I might need more so, if you know of any clichés send them to me PLEASE!**

**If you are from New Zealand, I haven't got much against you, so don't be too offended by my terrible portrayal of a Kiwi in this chapter. Fush and chups, anyone?**

**Yeah.**

**On with story.**

**DISCLAIMER: If you think I'm James Patterson, you need a shrink. Seriously.**

**The Sue Slayers II: Attack of the Clichés**

**Chapter 2**

**Do Not Hit The Ranga, Do Not Hit The Ranga **

I had a sudden flashback to the day I met Hannah. This kid, this redhead, this ranga, my apprentice was reading. Not a big shocker for a Slayer, but he had fifteen or so books lying on the couch next to him.

Like Hannah.

He was eating a cheese and vegemite toastie. I paused for a moment, wondering why a Kiwi was eating vegemite, but brushed the thought aside.

Like Hannah. Well, Hannah liked toasties, but…

"Uh, sup?" I asked.

The Ranga looked up from The Golems Eye.

"Huy." He said.

No, not a typo. A New Zealand accent.

"Yeah, I'm, uh Clare." I said.

"Yus, I know thut. I'm Alux."

And then there was an awkward silence. My favourite!

Grace smiled. "Ok, good to see you two are introduced."

Outside in the corridor, Amelia shot past, yelling.

"HannahIsweartoMiyazakiifyouTOUCHthatmangaIwillstickupwherethesun-"

"Be right back." Said Grace, running after Amelia.

"AmeliaIsweartoCarlislestickthatbookupHannah's-"

"Welcome to Australia." I said.

"Thunks."

Awkward silence again.

"So, what level are you?" I asked.

"Level twelve in Canonology."

Great. He outranked me in Canonology.

"What about you?"

I considered lying, then remembered I could still kick his butt from here to…probably Eureka Tower.

"Two, but I'm a seven going on eight in Slaying."

He nodded. Obviously he knew the Aussie Slayers reputation. More on that later.

"Do you know about all the clichéness?" I asked.

"I'm an expert on the Flock." He said, lifting himself up and trying to be important. He failed. "Of course I know. That's why I decided to become a Slayer, I am one of the few who can protect them and see them for the well rounded, three dimensional canons they are."

As my dad would say, pompous git.

"That's uh, wonderful."

Do not hit the ranga, do not hit the ranga, do not…

"What Canons do you specialize in?"

"Huh?" I asked. "Oh, um. Tuxedo Mask, Ichigo, Bruce Wayne and the Human Torch are my interesting ones."

Grace came back in.

"What did Hannah take?" I asked.

"A manga or two. Are you ready to go?'

"Go…where?" I asked.

"Oh, to the Max Ride fandom, shadowing the Flock. You're a great Scouter and Darcy is like, God of Avian-Americans."

"Alex be praised." I said sarcastically. Ranga-boy grinned.

Grace grinned too. "That's the spirit! Right, you grab your pack, you'll need the usual extras. Meet you in MUPRC room. Mr Darcy, come."

Darcy grabbed an over stuffed backpack and followed Grace.

"I don't like being called Darcy…" he grumbled.

"Oh-kay." I said.

Hannah dove into the room, slamming the door.

I raised an eyebrow.

"They were good mangas!"

"Have you got a mission?" I asked her.

The smile slid off her face.

"Artemis Fowl fandom."

I burst out laughing.

"What was Grace thinking! Oh my Miyazaki, you-"

I doubled over.

"Don't you have to go pack?" asked Hannah.

I wiped a tear away. "Walk and talk."

Hannah scowled and I took a few deep breaths.

"I'm OK. I'll stop."

"Nah, it's OK." Said Hannah. "I have to pack too.

We hurried to our respective rooms. I grabbed my half packed bag, throwing the usual stuff in. Two Sue guns (one a semi - auto and one a pistol), socks, t-shirts, socks, fuzzy warm jumper, beanie, undies, socks, iPod, DS, phone, capsules, and bubble mixture. Oh, and extra socks.

I changed into Civilian clothing, green leggings, a t-shirt and stripy hoodie. I love my hoodies. They're hoodie-licious.

I glanced at my weapon stack, frowned and grabbed my modified, favourite pair of Converse, purple and yellow knee-highs with a sheath on the inside for my hunting knife.

Slinging the bag on, I made for the MUPRC room.

Alex was struggling with his stuff. He didn't have a proper bag and had jammed waaaaay too much into his Quiksilver seventy-dollar piece of junk. I pitied the fool…oh wait. I didn't.

Grace was showing him how to program the main MUPRC computer. A MURPC is a Multi Universe Portal Remote Controller. I won't explain it all now – it's long, it's boring and it's all in chapter 13 of the prequel.

"Are we all set?" I asked, trying to sound enthusiastic. I think I did an ok job.

"Well, aren't you enthusiastic?" asked Grace sarcastically.

"Yup."

"Just a suck." Said Alex.

"I'm in no hurry." I said sweetly, tapping my foot.

"Well, you'll need a tent, doofus." Grace pointed out the door.

"Well….shut up!"

_**PAGEBREAKIFYOUHAVENTREALISEDITBYNOWTHISISAPAGEBREAK**_

I've got one thing to say here: Experience trumps expertise on Canons every time.

There was a thump as I leapt out of the portal. I looked, well, not to brag, but I was the picture of military perfection, hair neat, gun at the ready, perfectly alert.

I blew a gum bubble, looking around.

Clear. Nothing in the cave

Alex made the rookie mistake of stepping out of the portal. The ground was way lower than it was on the portal platform in Australia, and he landed on his butt.

"Welcome to the U.S.!" I sang.

He did his best impression of a tortoise on its back.

"Want a hand, Sir?" I asked. Best to keep to the Canonist way, after all.

Ignoring his reply, I holstered my gun and strode over to the mouth of the cave.

There was a basketball court sized patch of grass, beyond which were trees. Countless green trees.

It had been oooh, seven years since I'd seen a fully green tree.

Weird. Damn drought.

I clapped my hands.

"Very well, Darcy."

"I don't like being called Darcy. My name is-"

"I'm going to call you Darcy, Darcy. Now, Darcy. These are the Ground rules, Darcy. I am your God, Darcy, except in church, which we will not be going to anyway. Darcy, there will be no Bledisloe Cup references at all. Darcy, you will do what I say, when I say it."

Darcy gave me a very weird look from his vantage point on the ground.

"I don't care what rank you are as a Canonist, Darcy, we are going by the Slayers and I am your Captain. Answer me Darcy!"

"What have you been smoking?"

"Nothing you need to know about. Now, where do we find Miss Maximum Ride? I would like – oh, for the count of Monte Cristos sake!"

I grabbed him by the arm and hauled him up.

Abusing my power felt goooood.

"I would like to see this Max."

"What?"

"Uh, we're shadowing her." I said in a slow voice. "We have to you know, find her and the Flock. And well-"

Darcy clapped a hand over his mouth.

"It's easier to shadow the closer you are to a Canon. Once I spent half a term in Ginny Weasleys dormitory."

"We're going to meet Maximum Ride? You can't just go up and tell them everything about the Slayers!"

Honestly.

"I'm not Hannah." This kid was well, dumb. "I'm not going to introduce myself to Max as a Slayer. You are going to be a mutant or-"

He threw up.

All.

Over.

My.

Shoes.

Darcy coughed and a few more chunks splattered into the – Oh Miyazaki. My Converse.

I stepped back carefully. Sick doesn't come out easily.

"If you act like this every time we meet Maximum Ride, I'm gonna make you eat that."

I tapped my toes on the ground, dislodging most of the chunks before grabbing my water bottle and tipping it on my feet.

I'd had a lot worse on my feet. And in my hair. And in my mouth.

Ever had brain in your mouth? Not nice.

I used Darcy's water to clean my shoes, stuffed them in a plastic bag and found my Slayer boots.

Darcy sat, looking pale and green. Not a good colour for him.

"We're not going to waltz up and say, 'Guten Tag! I'm from a different galaxy!'" I told him again. "Subtlety. Darcy! Are you taking notes?"

Subject of glare: Me.

I grinned.

"Come on, let's make a move. It's just past five. What will the Flock being doing?"

"What day is it?"

It took me a few seconds to do the maths.

"Tuesday. Great, now I miss the Gruen Transfer!"

He gave me another weird look.

**Gruen Transfer: A show, which is now over, but it's all about advertising: how it works and how it works on you. YouTube it, it's pretty good.**

**Sorry this took so long. Two reasons:**

**1. Olympics.**

**2. Tournament of Minds.**

**GO AUSTRALIA!!**

**Thanks for reading.**

**Lotsa Love,**

**Nicola**

**Word count: 1536**

**Next chapter up: No idea. Couple weeks good for you?**


	3. I Like Doorbells

We were still exploring the large and expansive hiking trails of Arizona a day and a half later

**Sorry this took so long, I was sick and I had Tournament of Minds (my team didn't do well) and I had clarinet, and I was sick AGAIN so I had to leave school early today and missed out on a sausage sizzle.**

**But that's no excuse.**

**Here's the new chapter. **

**DISCLAIMER: Mmm, cheese.**

**The Sue Slayers: Attack of the Clichés**

**Chapter Drei**

**I Love Doorbells**

We were still exploring the large and expansive hiking trails of Arizona a day and a half later.

Lemme tell you, after those thirty six hours, I knew two things:

1. On the plus side, America had smaller bugs than Australia,

but

2. I Kissed A Girl is annoying at the best of times, and when it's being sung by Darcy, well…

"I AM GOING TO TIP MUD OVER YOUR HEAD!" I yelled at him.

He looked at me, fear in his eyes.

"If you're going to sing Katy Perry, at least sing Hot and Cold or whatever her…"

"What music do YOU like?"

"Oasis." I replied calmly. "Beatles. Powderfinger, Panic at the Disco. Not pseudo lesbians and stuff."

"Stop shouting. I can see a house up ahead."

Do not shoot the ranga, do not shoot the ranga…

We got to the top of the hill. Big achievement, I know.

For the first time in like, AGES, I could see a clearing up ahead, with a rather large house, seriously big four-wheel drive (SUV) and a massive, unnaturally green large with a pool, loveseat, swings, slide, treehouse…

"They're loaded." said Darcy.

"Nuh-duuuuh."

"No, that's a BAD thing!"

"Warum?" I asked.

"Well, if our map is right, this is the home of Dr. Martinez. Are you-"

"They're at the beach. I'm a fast reader."

"Well, she's a single mother who owns her own business."

I looked at the house again. In Australia, the house would've been one storey smaller, the pool a dam, the swings rusty. So on and so forth.

Oh, and she would've had an Echo, not a massive four-wheel drive.

"So, it's OOC?"

"It's OOC."

"We have to see inside then."

"We'll wait till dark."

"No."

Darcy shrugged and made to go down the steep other side of the hill. I grabbed his skinny elbow.

"Darcy, We're going the normal, non heavily armed route, Darcy." I said. "Follow, Darcy! Our future awaits!"

He gave me a weird look.

"Come, Darcy!"

_**MAMMAMIA!HEREIGOAGAIN!MYMYHOWCOULDIRESISTYA?ABBA!!**_

I looked up.

"Strange pagebreak." I muttered. "Anyway, Darcy."

He was really glaring at me now.

"Embrace your familienname, Darcy." I told him, bilingual for a second. "When I want to, I'll call you by your first name…um, what was it?"

To quote the Living End, If looks could kill, I'd be in trouble right now.

"Sor-ree." I rolled my eyes. "Clear on the plan?"

"What plan?"

"Awesome!"

With that, I hooked my elbow through his and frogmarched him up the paved (another expense) driveway.

We stepped up the beautifully paved steps and I rang the doorbell.

Ding-ding-dong. Bing!

I love doorbells.

Ding-ding-dong. Bing!

Ding-ding-dong. Bing!

Ding-ding-dong. Bing!

"I'm coming, I'm coming!" someone yelled.

A girl with plaited, light brown hair pulled the door open.

I swear Darcy had a cardiac arrest.

"What?" she asked, looking…flushed.

"Hi!" I said. "I'm Savannah and this is Maynark. We're Jehovah's Witnesses and we would like to talk to you about-"

"Savannahs just kidding."

I smiled. "Yes. We're selling subscriptions to the Wall Street Journal."

The girl gave me a weird look. "Um, we get the….Post?"

What the hell was the post?

"Oh. Shame." I sighed. "Thank you for your time."

It wasn't until we were out of sight of the house that Darcy exploded.

"WALL STREET JOURNAL?"

"What's so bad about the Journal? You must read New Idea or some-"

His face turned red, setting off his hair nicely.

Rangas are like mood rings, it's hilarious really.

"You're the worst Slayer ever!"

I was about to give him a witty retort (it involved the words fuck, you, I'm, captain, I, have, a, gun) but was interrupted by Yellowcard singing Light Up The Sky.

No, they didn't jump out from behind a tree and start rocking out, it was my phone.

"This is your Captain speaking."

"Hello Clare."

"Sup, Grace?"

"Amelia's a bitch."

Well, don't hold back.

"Uh-huh."

"Wait, off topic." I heard her sigh. "How are you going?"

"We just did a recon of Dr. Martinez's house. Darcy says it's way OOC, too rich. And apparently-"

Darcy was waving his arms around.

"Darcy swears that the girl who answered the door was Max. I don't know, I thought she was blonde."

"James Patterson isn't known for consistency. That's bad. The Flock aren't supposed to be there."

"Eh. How are things down your end?"

"Quiet. Only people left are…OI, AMELIA….are Amelia, obviously, she's running all of the anime stuff and keeping an eye on Hannah, Elliot's come down and is flaming up a storm. Then there's Josh, he came in with a broken wrist."

"Ouch." I bit my lip. Josh was one of my BFFL's, as a Fangirl would put it. "What happened?"

"Nothing fancy. Triple Sue attack, one twisted a little too far."

"Right." I glanced over at Darcy, who was on the ground flailing his limbs.

"I better go." I said. "Darcy's dying or something."

"Have you tipped mud over his head yet?"

"No."

We both paused for a moment, chuckling.

"Good times."

"Yeah. I'll see you, Grace."

"TTFN."

"WHAT, Darcy?"

He began pointing at something over my shoulder.

I whirled.

"GAAAH! NO-FACE!" I shrieked.

Note to self: Barries are sneaky.

A Cliché Wraith stood not twenty centimetres from me, robes swirling around it, looking like a dementor, ringwraith and Voldemort rolled into one. Apart from the pink piece of card it held up.

'**Mmy versin of MR5 itsafter mR4 and theFlock r on there way2 a new deshtinashon ut they meat a enw Folck FAXFAXFAX Nigy GassyOC AngelOC JebOC OCOC RR PLSPLS kthx'**

Now, you'd think, me being a blonde, glasses wearing girl that I'd shriek and huddle in a corner.

You'd be wrong.

Darcy hugged a tree trunk, looking at the Barry with wide, terrified eyes.

Almost nine years of Slayer training kicked in.

I pulled my knife from my shoe and slammed it into the Barry's chest.

Nothing came out but a rush of garbage smelling, warm air. The Barry dropped the card and soared into the air.

The wind from its leap knocked me backwards.

Me and (Darcy, I assumed) watched as it flew over the forest in a way that made me think it was breaking several copyright laws. Think Professor Quirrel in the first Harry Potter movie.

Darcy jumped out of the tree he had climbed up. Wuss.

"That's why I'm the Captain." I told him, wishing I had a tie to straighten, Artemis Fowl style.

I picked up the card. Typical Suethor, Fangirlish speak. Like most Slayers, I had a tiny bit of the language, and this was pretty simple. A Fangirologist would've gone into the lack of bad grammar, but I really didn't care.

I flipped the card over.

"Oh, NOW we're in business."

I grinned and showed Darcy the back of the card. More importantly, the lists on the back of the card.

He grinned too.

I made a mental note to tip a bucket of mud over his head.

**Did you like the page break? Anyway, thoughts?**

**I haven't really got time to say anything else.**

**Just this:**

**Loyal Maximum Ride fans, this fandom is in strife. Look at the summaries. Look at the clichés. Look at the horrificly fluffy OOC Fax oneshots.**

**Tell me you aren't insanely pissed off at those authors. Then tell the truth…or help them, I'm not the boss of you.**

**Thanks for reading!**

**Lotsa Love,**

**Nicola**

**Word count: 1333**

**Next chapter up: Now, I don't have the best track record with deadlines. If it's not up in a fortnight, PM me with irritating messages about cookies. Two weeks. Remember that.**


	4. We'll Kill A Hydra

Darcy and I poured over the list, noting in our notebooks what they contained

**And so begin the long, musey author notes:**

**Weird as this sounds, I like school. My school is fantastic. I love the subjects and my friends and this sounds like a giant promo for it. On top of that I have a scholarship there and you get perks for having them.**

**And I've been sick the past two weeks. And as Jack Heath would say, (and he did, when he came to my school) you can't write when you have no ideas coming in. That's my excuse. **

**Oh, and I was fiercely debating with my friend about how suck-suck-sucky Breaking Dawn was. Questions?**

**IMPORTANT!! ****Oh, if you're halfway through the Max R series, skip the dialogy bit in the middle. Major spoilage. Like, bigger than the Korean bits in Just Because I'm Paranoid.**

**For fans of A New Fangirologist, there's a little present at the end XD**

**DISCLAMER: I OWN THE SLAYERS but not Max Ride. Damn you, James Patterson!**

**The Sue Slayers: Attack of the Clichés**

**Chapter FOUR!**

**We'll Kill A Hydra**

Darcy and I poured over the list, noting in our notebooks what they contained. Cliché authors and their multiple accounts, if they had any, and a much more detailed list of clichés than the Slayers had.

It was a big piece of card, what can I say?

This took a good two hours (again, one mother effing big piece of card), and by the time we were done it was lunchtime.

"Peckish?" I asked Darcy.

He nodded. "It's a good word, peckish. Fun to say."

I contemplated this for a moment. "You're right. But first-"

He raised a red eyebrow.

"Why are you suddenly being nice to me?" he asked.

Now, that caught me off guard.

"Eh, you've grown on me, you remind me of my cousin after I punched him and well, to tell the truth, my dear Darcy, it moves the plot along a whole lot. And being mean takes energy."

"Lunch? Where are we getting it from?"

"Maccers." I said, glancing around. "We're in America. There's gotta be one here somewhere…"

"We're in the woods."

"We'll kill a Hydra then."

Weird looks for me…

Sure enough, about two hundred metres down the track, there was a McDonalds ©.

"Those crazy yanks." I chuckled, heading for the 'restaurant.'

'_**EXOINT'MEANS'EXIT'INYEOLDEENGLISH, MYFRIENDTOLDME**_

"Medium Double Beef and Bacon McValue Meal©." I ordered. "With a Coke©, none of that Diet crap and uh, a pig fat…Sort Serve©. And my friend here will have a Large Big Mac©, with Fanta© and a McFlurry©."

I paused for a minute, giving the menu another look.

"And two of those cookie boxes."

"Do you want me to Supersize© that?" asked the greasy teenager behind the register. He grinned at me, showing furry braces. I hate being blonde. "It's only fifty cents. God knows, you don't have to worry bout your weight."

I batted my eyelashes. "Are you flirting with me?"

"Might be."

"I'm prepared to commit myself wholly to you, but only if you swear to be mine for seven years."

The guy looked at me weirdly. Why do people do that?

Darcy and I grabbed our cholesterol filled, nutrient lacking food and sat at a slightly sticky table. I raised an eyebrow as Darcy shoved his face into his chips. Uh, fries.

I laid my chi-fries out on a napkin and found my notebook.

"Now. Darcy. When you start breathing again, can you please tell me the answers to these delightfully simple questions that I really should know the answer to. One, do any of the Flock have special powers, abilities or birth defects? Twee, What are said powers, abilities, and defects. Trois, what are the basic Sue foundations. Quattro, How much FOOD can you fit in your MOUTH?"

During my questions, Darcy had jammed half his burger and about seven-twelfths of his chi-fries into his gob.

"Yeah, the Flock have special powers." he answered about five minutes of hardcore chewing later. "Apart from the you know, wings and well, ability to fly-"

"I don't take any lip, young'un."

"Max, the oldest and leader has super speed and can fly at two hundred miles an hour."

And so began the infodump.

"Roughly 321.8688 kilometres an hour. Wow."

"Fang, Max's second in command and Canon ship has the ability to sort of melt into shadow. And he plays a mean harmonica. Iggy's blind, but can tell the colour of things by touching them and he can see sort of, whiteness. Oh, and he's got great hearing."

I noted this.

"Nudge talks waaaaay too much, but she has psychometric powers and can attract metal. The Gasman-"

"The GASMAN?"

"The Gasman, they call him Gazzy well, he can mimic and throw voices. As well as that, he can produce a mushroom cloud of like, toxic gas."

I raised an eyebrow.

"How does he-"

"You'll figure it out. And then Angel."

I remembered seeing some fan art on Angel.

"She's the creepy little bugger, right?" I asked.

"Yup. Reads minds, projects thoughts, talks to fish, shapeshifter and can breathe underwater. There are rumours she's going to turn against the Flock, too. Then there's their dog- "

I held up a finger and finished scrawling.

"Mary Sue basics?"

"Well, Mary Sues are a self insert of the author-"

I glared at him. "Slayer sitting right here. Skip that crap."

"Two basics. Ordinary girl meets up with Flock, or a supermutant escapee from the School. The latter is more popular."

"Righto."

We finished our lunch in silence. Darcy drew in my notebook while I stared at the processed beef patties in my burger, formulating a plan in my mah-vellously genius brain. That Irish chicken boy has _nothin'_ on me.

'_**EXOINT'MEANS'EXIT'INYEOLDEENGLISH,MYFRIENDTOLDME**_

It was a night ripe for enchantment. A very dark and stormy, super gale force windy night, but isn't that what enchantment is all about?

"Is this really necessary?" Darcy whispered. I could barely hear him over the wind. Besides, the phone line crackled. Damn Telstra.

"Yes." I replied, swaying on my tree branch. Comfy. "Now keep watch and STAY in your freaking' hole."

As I spoke I pulled out my binoculars and squinted into them. I had an excellent view of the Flocks TV from my perch. Max was on the couch with Ella (Max's sister, apparently), Nudge and Angel, Iggy and the Gasman were tinkering with some metal and well…

"Do you see Fang?" I asked.

"…I'm in a bloody ditch!" Darcy hissed. "What if my phone gets wet?"

I hung up on him.

"Fangy Fangy Fangsta, I can't see you." I murmured, scanning the other windows.

A dark shape appeared in one of the bedrooms. I ducked down.

Stupid kid was on a laptop. Facing the window - which looked out onto the tree.

Which I happened to be sitting in.

I rubbed my legs, which were imprinted with red marks from the bark. It was quarter to ten and freezing cold.

My phone began to vibrate. Covering the screen to hide the light, I stabbed the answer button.

"I'm c-cold." stuttered Darcy.

I did an Edward and pinched the bridge of my nose.

"Kay." I said. "You've done good tonight, kid. How bout you go to bed? I'll be fine here. Wait, bring the thermos first."

"Right-t."

A few minutes later, I heard faint footsteps. Darcy tossed a thermos of soup up into the tree. It clunked me on the knee – ouch – but I managed to grab it.

"Thanks." I called quietly. "I'll see you later. Call me if you need me."

No matter how irritating he was, I still didn't like the idea of an eleven year old (same age as my sister) out in the woods on a windy night.

All alone.

Like me!

Fang shut the laptop and put it on the floor before exiting, stage left.

He joined the group in the TV room. Max looked up and said something. He shrugged. I shuffled back along my tree branch and opened up my little bag, pulling my handy camouflage jumper over my head. I poured myself a little soup and settled in for a long, cold night.

About ten minutes later, Max sent Angel and the Gasman to bed. How interesting.

I thought about getting out my book, then realised: It was dark.

Nuh duh.

The second worst part of the stakeout was the movie the Flock-and-Ella were watching. Honestly, Romeo and Juliet? Such a cliché.

I rolled my eyes and sipped my soup. Chicken noodley.

So Angel was a telepathic creep, I mused. She hopefully wouldn't be able to read Darcy's minds, and mine after all, we weren't part of the Canonverse. Then again, Hannah had been healed by-

Wait.

Just wait one cotton-picking minute.

Hang on…

Romeo and Juliet. Such a cliché.

_Such a cliché._

I dropped my soup all over my lap, and swearing with the pain, put my binoculars to my eyes.

Darcy had told me that Fax (which was the term for a MaxFang ship), in Canon, was very slow and awkward and usually made Max run/fly for the hills.

Why was Fang giving Max a massage? Why was he smiling so much? Why were they cuddling up on the couch?

Most important, why was there a Barry behind them, holding up a pink card?

As if it sensed me, the Barry turned. Through the binoculars, I could just read the grammar lacking, senseless gibberish.

'**It wuz a darc and stormee nite wen macx and fang r stayen home-'**

I didn't (and couldn't) read anymore. I flipped open my phone and pressed 2 on speed dial (2 D for Darcy, geddit?).

"Darcy?" I asked.

"Whaaaat?"

"Did I wake you? Uh, who cares. There's a Barry in the lounge room and we gots some MAJOR Fax going on here."

"Is he smiling?"

"Who?"

"Fang!"

"Well, yeah and he looks gooood when he does."

Don't judge me. He _was_ pretty 'damn fine, shortie' as a gangster would say.

"I'm coming now." said Darcy, sounding scared.

"Put on a jumper." I said. "And could you be a darl and grab my knife? The one with the thin blade and green handle, it's on top of my bag. Thanks."

I whipped on my gloves and slid down the trunk of the tree, landing hard on my left knee. Yup, that was going to bruise.

I commando crawled around the front of the house and lay underneath the window of the lounge room. I rested my head on a bag of fertiliser and listened.

I could hear the movie fairly well. As I listened, I ran my gloved fingers through the dirt, searching for…

"_Thy drugs are quick. Thus with a kiss I die."_

"Fang." said Max in a quiet, dreamy voice. "Don't you ever kill yourself."

Honestly, she sounded like Bella frickin' Swan. Which, as I understood, was baaaaad.

"My darling-" Ick. "I shalt never kill myself, lest you are dead before I."

Um, can someone tell me why Fang was speaking in Ye Olde English?

"They're majorly OOC."

Darcy materialized a few metres away in the daisy bush.

"You know, my young padawan, it didn't take a genius to figure that…."

I found a suitable rock.

"OUT!" I yelled, springing up and smashing the rock through the window.

Everyone in the living room whirled around.

"Run!" I shouted at Darcy. Then, turning back to the shocked teenagers, I quoted.

"What light through yonder window breaks, my feathered friends! Parting is such sweet sorrow."

A gust of wind whipped past me.

"Blow, blow, thou winter wind!" I shouted, sprinting off. Hopefully the Barry was following me. Otherwise, a spot of medieval vandalism never hurt anyone.

Darcy was waiting for me at the edge of the woods.

"What the hell was that?" he asked, handing me my knife.

"A whole lot of fun."

I whirled and plunged the knife into the Barries stomach.

"YOU CAN'T SNEAK U P ON ME TWICE!" I yelled, enjoying the adrenaline rush.

Darcy darted forward and snatched the card as the Barry again violated several copyright laws.

I glanced at my phone clock.

"Great job, Mr. Darcy." I said. "Lets go back to base."

We turned and began the walk back.

"How did you know that much Shakespeare?" Darcy asked. "I mean, there's 'To be and not to be', and the whole, Romeo, oh Romeo thingy. But everyone knows that."

"I have an older brother." I said. "Studying English as a Major. I had to test him on some stuff."

"Was he a Slayer?"

"Oh my, no."

It's a general rule in the Slayers: One to a family. We don't like keeping it in families. Keep the gene pool wide.

I told Darcy this.

"Besides." I added, rubbing my sore knee. "He's not exactly the most athletic person in the world. Same with my sister. She's your age, actually. So, what about your family?"

"I have a younger sister too. She's six and a bit."

Uh-huh. "Elaborate?"

"She's called Sabrina and she hates reading."

"Sucks to be her."

"I know."

'_**EXOINT'MEANS'EXIT'INYEOLDEENGLISH, MYFRIENDTOLDME**_

Hannah's POV

Fowl Manor

Dublin, Ireland

Artemis Fowl Fandom

I wanted to be home, playing Tetris.

But we can't always get what we want, can we?

I ran up the stairs, taking two at a time, flinging open the attic door.

"Caught you!" I laughed, knocking out the Fangirl with a dart to the shoulder. Honestly, how could I have ever found it difficult?

I opened a portal and sent her through, before pulling out my phone.

'**Hi A, caught another, CAN I GO NOW??'**

A few minutes of impatient waiting later,

'**No. Artemis needs you.'**

"Fuck Artemis." I growled.

Something in the attic creaked.

I sighed, pulled out my gun again. I crept closer and peered behind a trunk. Nothing.

I stumbled over a cymbal and stepped cautiously over a pile of hardware. Deeper into the attic, it became apparent how much stuff the Fowls had.

"Fangirl?" I called. _"Piece, I com in! Pls, i wanna c u!!"_

A rustle on my right. I jumped, grabbed onto something black and yanked up. Hard.

Then I dropped what I was holding. Fast.

"Sweet Reneesme!" I cried.

Artemis Fowl stood up.

"What the hell are you doing here?" I asked.

That got an eyebrow raise.

"It's my house and canonverse, I believe."

"Hiding behind boxes in an attic, I mean. Seriously, Arty."

He stiffened. Ah, the wounds of Time Paradox were still raw.

"I take it you read The Time Paradox."

"Oh yes. The Shippers had a field day."

A pink tinge highlighted his face. An attempt at a blush.

"We…they particularly enjoyed page 130."

"I assume that was the Gorilla cage."

"Oh, yes. I never thought Holly had it in her."

**Ok, whoever caught the Percy Jackson, Artemis Fowl AND Bartimaeus Trilogy references gets a prize…all three, mind you, not just the PJ or the AF or the BT. **

**Extra long chapter was just for your enjoyment. And now, I am off to sleep. Or try too, spending all night on the computer is not good for you.**

**Buuuuut, first, a new segment! Sometimes I find fics that are overlooked in the crapload (no offence, anyone) of FAXFAXFAX that come through here. So, I am going to feature one or two recognition deserving MR fics here every update. Yayness!**

_**Medusa by **__**Maiyri**_

_Not many people care about this character, they only bash away at her without really thinking about the person she is. This is an attempt to show you what she's really like. ONESHOT._

I love this piece. It's deep, deeper than most Fax and it really, really gives you a new perspective on this character. It's on my favourites list, obviously.

_**The Blue Of The Sky**__** by NotToBeMessedWith**_

_He's blind, and yet all we know was that it was a failed night vision operation. What happened to him? How can you live without seeing the blue of the sky? xIggycentricx Painful little oneshot, may add more painmemories if I feel like it._

There aren't enough Iggy fics. This is a brilliant one. Again, it's on my favourites list.

We need more Iggy fics, people! Go FORTH and BE THAT BLIND PYRO BAKER that we LOVE!

**Lotsa Love,**

**Nicola.**

**Word count: 2727**

**Next chapter up: Holidays soon! Two weeks, give or take?**


	5. Maybe A Bit Trigger Happy

**This chapter is dedicated to Blind Colours for FINALLY GETTING AN ACCOUNT!**

**Ahem. Welcome to Fanfiction, Chloe.**

**This is a quick update for me…I think. It's been a week or was it two? Eh, here we gooooo….**

**Wait, two things. One, not James Patterson, two, this week on catch the reference, it's three; Scott Westerfeld's Uglies series, The Bible (the first testament, I think…) and the original Sue Slayer fic. SO I put references to my own stuff in here. Big fleshy deal. Oh, and a Casper reference.**

**The Sue Slayers: Attack of the Clichés**

**Chapter Five**

**Maybe A Bit Trigger Happy…**

"No, Amelia. I'm not Hannah, I didn't get seen. Much."

"My Miyazaki, you are a bitch sometimes."

"I know, thank you." I switched the phone to my other ear. "So, can you send the stuff over? Level two standard, books."

"I've been a Slayer longer." said Amelia.

"I know, you rock. Why is Grace so obsessed with you lately?" I asked, trying to be offhand.

"Oh, well, Grace is about to turn nineteen, and well, she's pissed about the fact I got-Josh! You CAN NOT do that with a broken wrist! That I got an offer for an American Fangirology Transfer."

I damn near nearly dropped the phone. "American Transfer?"

Amelia is the head of the Australia and New Zealand Fangirology Alliance, one of the foremost experts on Fangirls in the world. Australia still wasn't that great with Fangirls, though, and America was like…Geelong to Saint Kilda. Disney World to a waterslide. The Beatles to the Monkees.

"Are you going to take it?"

Did you know that you can hear someone shrug on the phone?

"Right. I'm going to send those over to you in about ten minutes." said Amelia. "Josh is about to break his other arm. Bye."

"See you."

I flipped my phone shut and put it in my shoe. Darcy came out of his tent, looking like a zombie. A redhead zombie, but you know. Whatever.

"Nice sleep?" I asked sweetly, kneeling by the fire.

"The wind was too strong." he yawned. "I don't know if I'll survive today. Are you going to smash more windows?"

I thought my plan through. "Nope." I popped the 'p'. "But you're staying here today."

"Why?"

"This is a solo flight, Darcy my boy. It's a complicated plan and well, I can't trust you till you read those."

"Read what?"

I checked my phone-clock. "Just give it a few seconds…"

A small portal appeared to my left and a plastic bag full of books was poked through.

"Here you go!" I said, taking the books. "Thanks Amelia!" I called into the portal.

"Don't tell anyone about the America thing." she replied as the portal closed.

"America thing? And who was that? And what's for-"

"Breakfast?" I asked. "I'm making it now."

I tossed him the bag of books and rummaged in the mini-esky for the eggs. I found them. And I saw that they were free range. And I saw that it was good.

Darcy was looking at the titles.

"The Big Book of Slayerness? Maximum Mary-A Guide to OCs and Sues in the Max Ride fandom? And what the…Undercover in Canon-Land?"

"Read that first." I told him. "Sunny side up or…the other way of cooking eggs?"

"The other way…please. So, what is your plan?"

Oh yay! Infodump! I grinned.

Darcy gave me a weird look.

"I said that out loud, didn't I?"

"Yup." He popped the 'p', too.

"Ok, Darce. Here's what I need you to do…."

"….What?"

"Just pause for a minute, ok? Here's what I need you to do…."

_**GOONGRABYAHATANDFETCHACAMERAFILMTHEWORLDBEFOREITHAPPENED…**_

Basically, my plan was simple. Follow Max and co around for a while, get to know their routine, keep an eye out for Barries. Stop any OOCness. Of course, this would depend on Darcy, but still…

Of course, it was an excuse for me to go all out and get seriously armed! I had a knife in each shoe, a gun on my right hip, another in my left shoe, fifteen rounds of capsules in my backpack and of course, bubble mixture in my pocket.

Trigger happy? Moi?

I walked briskly through the forest to the top of the hill. The house had changed slightly over night, it now had a large stone chimney, bigger, new (unbroken) windows, a tennis court and of course, three overlarge trees. I wish I could tell you what kind they were…green ones. Is that enough description for you?

Angel, Nudge and Gazzy were playing like, air tag and Iggy and Ella were talking by the pool. I rummaged in my backpack and found my binoculars.

"Fang and Max, where are you?" I sang, gazing through them. "Max and Fang, Fang and Max, Fax Fax Fax Fax Fax Fax Faaaax!"

I couldn't find them. Which meant I'd have to get closer.

I shrugged off my jacket – It was getting really warm, really fast – and tucked it into my bag. I hurried along the side of the hill and disappeared into the forest again. I ran around to the back of the house in a long loop and popped out of the trees as close to the fence that I could.

Which was pretty close, I can tell you.

Around the back of the house there was an overlarge backyard with impeccable lawn, a cubbyhouse, trampoline, and all sorts of rich stuff a single woman with one child wouldn't even need.

But I digress.

The adjacent location of the trampoline, cubbyhouse and an overlarge bush of some description made it incredibly easy to get into the house.

I heard a flutter of wings and Max and Fang landed on the roof. Swearing under my breath, I dove into the cubbyhouse.

Oooh, a tea set!

"Max, do you ever think about the future?" I heard Fang ask.

"What do you mean?" asked Max.

I crawled over to the small window and looked out.

A Barry was standing behind them, doing a fairly decent impression of a Dementor. This time, the card had one word on it. One word on it, several hundred thousand times.

Three guesses and the first two don't count.

Ready for it?

Here it is.

Well, not there.

The basic gist was:

**FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX** **FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX** **FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX** **FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX** **FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX 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FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX** **FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX** **FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX** **FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX** **FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX** **FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX** **FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX** **FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX**

"That is going to bump up the word count." I muttered, tucking my notebook back into my bag.

Max and Fang continued to talk, going through the typical flirty things teenagers say, like, 'so, you like….stuff?' and of course, awkward silences.

I've been there. I didn't want to think about the roads _those_ conversations had gone down.

"So, what about your future?" Max asked.

I shook my head slowly and slipped out the window, hiding under the trampoline and scooching along as silently as I could. I'm not usually for stealth, I'm more of a 'charging en masse', blowing stuff up, filling Sues full of capsules…ok, maybe I was a bit trigger happy. But this was a Special Circumstance.

I commando crawled beneath the trampoline and, glancing up to check on the soon-to-be couple, dove into the bush of undetermined genus.

Turns out it was a rosebush.

"Motherfu-" I hissed, trying to ignore the thorns. You know, the ones in areas I'd rather not talk about.

"Haah, hee, oohhh, kaaayawaya." I whimpered, thorns scraping along my flesh as I pulled myself out of the bush and dove into the dog door/cat flap and sprawled on the smooth, tiled floor of the kitchen.

Ritz-ee.

I'd totally mis-estimated Dr. Martinez's annual income. I added a couple of zeroes to my mental tally and got up, running my hand over the tank sized fridge with the plasma in the door.

I opened it, grabbed a can of Coke and looked around. What to do, what to do. According to Darcy (that would be a great show title…), if I didn't stop the flirting that Max and Fang were so bent on doing, the Canonverse would implode and the fandom would grind to a halt. Considering the current condition of it, I had to wonder if that would be a bad thing.

I considered the Coke can. A Cylindrical wonder full of carbonated sugar-caffeine-hyper-hyper-mix.

I considered the Coke can. I pondered the Coke can. I ruminated on the Coke can.

I flung the Coke can into the wall with all my might. It broke open and fizzed everywhere. I grabbed the toaster and flung it into the window, smashing it, before pushing the coffee maker on the floor, where it smashed.

Running over to the dining area, I laughed out loud as I grabbed a chair and threw it across the room. Random meaningless vandalism is so fun!

"What the hell is going on in here?" someone yelled.

"Erasers?"

I raised an eyebrow, but when I heard footsteps, my heart leapt.

"Shit!" I squeaked, pushing over another table and turning, trying to find an exit. I should have done a proper reconnaissance, damnit!

I saw stairs…eh, why not. I was going to be killed by bird kids, it might as well be upstairs.

I bolted towards them, taking them two at a time, coming up in a richly decorated hallway.

I pulled some paintings off the walls and flung them to the ground.

"Come on, Darcy!" I squeaked.

I skidded to a stop, pulled my phone out and glanced at the time. Nearly there, nearly there.

"HELP!" I yelled. "ERASERS!"

"Upstairs!" someone called.

I ran on, finding Max's room. I grabbed her small TV and well, threw it out the window, the window, the second storey window.

I felt something hit me in the face, like the worlds strongest gust of boiling hot air. I stumbled backwards as more hot wind hit me in the stomach, the legs, knocking me to the ground.

Perfect.

Not, I'm not being sarcastic.

Seriously, perfect.

I felt as if hot water was being poured all over my skin. I shrieked as it burnt down the inside of my throat, boiling and burning my insides…

Suddenly, gone. Nothing. Waves of strength washed through me. I felt stronger. Better.

I felt goooood.

"Who the heck are you?" growled Maximum Ride, filling the doorway to her room.

I widened my eyes. "I….I…."

Now, before you get even more confused and start scratching your pretty little heads, I think I'll slow the narrative down:

I wasn't actually being boiled and stuff, I was being written in. Sometimes, when Slayers are going to be spending a lot of time in the Canonverse, trailing a character, it's easier to create a totally new, fictional identity then have them living out of backpacks and buying everything with cash.

So Darcy had just wrote me in, and was doing it for himself at that very moment.

Max took a step closer to me. She'd seen that I was younger and smaller (can I just say, the girl was TALL close up) and covered in scratches.

I widened my eyes.

"P-p…help me." I whispered, playing 'psycho mentally tortured chick' perfectly.

With that parting remark, I turned and jumped out the window.

Oh yeah, Darcy had come through. Right down to the re-engineered, strengthened bones.

We'd been remade as mutants.

All together now:

Awesome.

**So? Eh, not happy with it, but trust me, the writing in had to happen. If you caught the references, tell me and you get a prize!**

**Yay!**

**And today on 'Fics that need more recognition,' we have a double dose of well written light to moderate Fax!**

_**Everything's Magic by rainxface**_

_It's the fourth of July and the flock is with the Martinez's. What happens after the late night fireworks display? Cutsie fax. it's a bit bad because i'm writing late tonight._

**Don't believe what the summary says. I love this story. I really got a feeling of how patriotism would feel (as an Australian, normally I really…don't….care.) But gorgeous story, with a perfect dash of Fax.**

_**Tick by Crtitical Hypocracy**_

_It was simple, really. Little every day things. Max/Fang fluff._

**I think this is a bit of a future-fic, not too far. But it's good, damn good. I love the closing line…and God, I am such a Fax Fangirl.**

**Thanks for reading. Any questions, ask in a review.**

**Lotsa Love,**

**Nicola.**

**Word count: 4009**

**Next chapter up: Week to a week and a half. Don't hold me to it.**

**And just one more time, for the hell of it…**

**FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX** **FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX** **FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX** **FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX FAX…**


	6. Tics, Tourettes or a Third Arm

HOLIDAYS TOMORROW

**HOLIDAYS ARE HERE! The Schools billycart derby was awesome and my class came third or second or something. I was too busy laughing at my friend who as it turned out, can NOT drive a billycart to save his life. Good times.**

**Oh and I saw WALL E today. Absolutely adorable, I love Pixar…**

**This week on catch the reference, there's a Harry Potter movie one, one that references the Twilight trailer spoof on YouTube (Who doesn't LOVE that??) and of course, a Breaking Dawn reference that is insanely, GLARINGLY OBVIOUS.**

**The Sue Slayers**

**Chapter Six**

**Ticks, Tourettes or a Third Arm**

The chase was on. I giggled maniacally and leapt the low fence that bordered the property. I glanced over my shoulder to check how close the Flock was.

"Oh, for Zeus's sake." I muttered. The Chase wasn't on. The chase hadn't even begun.

Max and Fang were making goo goo eyes at each other, Iggy was angsting about being blind…get over yourself!...Nudge was wandering around, nattering wildly and Angel was rocking back and forwards in a corner, wringing her hands and muttering 'soon…I shall BETRAY THEM!' Creepy little bugger, that girl was.

Oh, and Gazzy had fallen down a plot hole, but by that point in time, I really…didn't...care.

I slowed to a brisk walk and set off for camp, feeling normalness settle over me with every step further from the Flock. Stupid proximity rule.

_**DANIELXWASN'TTHATGREAT,YOUKNOW.TOOMUCHACTION,ITWASSOPREDICTABLE….**_

"That was quick." Darcy said.

"Eh, it's why they pay me the big bucks." Well, medium wage, but that's big bucks to a kid.

Darcy was giving me a weird look. I gave him a weird look back and pulled off my long sleeved t-shirt. Day-am, it was getting hot. Stupid global warming.

"Mr. Darcy, may I please see the OC forms?"

"Yes, but why are you speaking-"

I held up a hand. "The sheets, apprentice boy."

Darcy handed me a few sheets of paper and I gave them a cursory glance. God, his handwriting was bad.

'**Original Character Name:** Clare. Last Name Unknown.

**Age**: 14

**DOB**: Unknown, thought to be in autumn.

**Appearance**: That of Sue Slayers Captain Clare Susan Martin.

**Canonverse Appearing In**: 2- 92-17 (Max. R. James Patterson, see attached OC form).'

That all seemed in order. I made myself a bit more comfortable by the esky and flipped to the next form.

"You wanted to be an empath, right?"

I nodded, and smiled as I skimmed the 'Special Abilities' section. "You've been reading Midnighters. Good boy."

'**Special Abilities**: As with all experiments, accelerated healing, recombinant DNA, an especially efficient immune system. Clare is also a kind of empath-telepath thingy. Sorry Clare, I don't know what it's called. Whenever she touches someone she is able to receive their memories, although this exchange causes her extreme pain.'

I had to agree with that. Every action has to have an equal and opposite reaction. I skipped back up to the rest of the page, which I had ignored.

'**History** **of** **OC**: Experiment in the German Itex Laboratory. Escaped during the events of MR3. Got to America by sneaking onto a cruise ship. Met up with fellow experiment in a homeless shelter in California.

**Facts**: Is immune to Angels mind reading and controlling skills, but her powers do not work on her. Speaks very little English. Is claustrophobic and hates heights.'

"Alexander Darcy." I narrowed my eyes, my hand straying towards my knife. "Why does this say I speak very little English? I hope you mean speaks little American-English."

"No, Clare-"

"Thin ice, Darcy, thin ice."

"Captain, I must disagree. This character grew up in Germany, in a German village, in a German laboratory in a German dog crate. Whatya expect?"

That's the annoying part about being written in. The author can give you ticks, tourettes or a third arm and there is nothing you can do about it. Even if you KNOW, deep in your heart that you don't make chicken noises every time someone says 'pencil.'

Buck buck buckaw.

Thank the Gods for the proximity rule.

"Yeah, but why aren't you speaking German now?"

"I was about to explain." I huffed. "The Proximity rule is that when you are written in, you must be within a certain distance of the Canons for any powers and abilities to take affect. That's the handbook."

"I can see why you're a master Slayer."

"I try, I really do. Lets see your OC sheets then."

Darcy handed over his sheets with a big cheesy grin.

"Name, age, DOB unknown, blah, blah…" I flipped to the next page. "Origin of OC, lets see. Escaped from the New York school during Maximum Ride 1 when the flock find the institute. To hide from Erasers he travelled cross country to California where he met Clare." I looked up at Darcy. "You're done a good job on these so far."

He shrugged. "That's why _I'm _paid the big bucks."

"Lets see. What is your power…."

Now, if I had to, like, death is not an option had to, I would have cockroach DNA added into my own. Hear me out. Cockroaches:

a. Will survive the nuclear holocaust as well as being

b. damn near indestructible and

c. if any Sues came near me, I'd whip out my antennae and they'd run away screaming.

Darcy didn't have my high intelligence levels, and well, he'd gone nuts with his power.

Literally, nuts.

"Are YOU NUTS?" I asked. "Seriously, are you nutty?"

"Hey, Squirrels are cool!"

His funeral.

"Squirrel DNA, Darcy?" Ooh, I was so calling him Squarcy from now on.

I took one last look at the sheets and tossed them into the fire.

"What are you doing?"

"Destroying evidence, stupid." I shook my head. "Squirrel DNA? What are you on?"

"Cocaine. No, Squirrels have excellent balance and are able to jump long distances. And I like nuts. What's wrong with-"

"Squarcy!" I half yelled. My training wouldn't let me go any higher. "I don't care. Go take the tents down. Now."

"Make me."

"I order you to take those tents down or I will put you on probation, Lieutenant."

"Yes Captain." he saluted.

Aaah. Power rush. No other feeling like it.

I got Maximum Ride out of my bag. Where was I….hmmm, Max had just kissed Fang, big shocker. Knew that was going to happen. I was about twelve chapters in when…

"What do I do now?"

"Go do your homework." I said over the top of the book. "Or, maybe it's lunchtime."

"We don't get-Captain, what did you just say?"

I rolled my eyes. "It's lunchtime, dingus!"

Honestly, did he need hearing aids or what?

"What the hell does _Es ist mittag, doof_ mean?"

"Lunch!" I said, slowly and clearly.

"Lunch?"

"Lunch." I nodded my head.

"Why are you speaking German?"

I threw the book at him. He ducked.

I swore. Shit.

In German. Sheisse.

Näherichtlinie! The Proximity rule. The Flock were nearby.

"Are the Flock here?" asked Darcy, retrieving the book. I grabbed it and threw it into the fire, throwing sticks on it. Take THAT, James Patterson!

"Um, isn't that your friends book?"

"Sie ruinieren immer meinen Spaß, nicht Sie." _You always ruin my fun, don't you._

But still, it was Hannah's copy. She was going to kill me, pull out my guts, chop my fingers off and make me drink water from the Yarra, but not in that order. Besides, drinking Yarra water would probably kill me anyway. Then again, she still had my Nickelback CD…

I shook that thought out of my head and shrugged.

"So are the Flock coming?"

I nodded. "Deutsch, duh! Ja!"

Which meant yes. Yes, the Flock were coming.

Whoop-diddly-doo.

I threw a few more sticks on the fire and found my MURPC, pressing the green button which automatically showed the coordinates for Federation Square. Which were, for the interested, -37.817798, 144.968714.

A red and silver portal opened and I threw the tents in, before reaching into my pack and taking out the slightly less necessary items and the things an on-the-run experiment would need. No iPod for poor old Clare…

"Do you think they're here?" Darcy asked in a too loud voice. I threw something at him. Turned out it was a rock.

"Ow, ow, ow!"

I sat with my back to him and poked the fire with a stick, butterflies in my stomach. I hated it when people snuck up on or ambushed me…it usually ended in a whirlwind of broken fingernails and body parts.

"Quiet, Nudge! We're trying to sneak up and see who that girl was." a boy whispered.

The Flock were trying to sneak up on us, but they were whispering so loudly it was all I could do not to turn around and go, 'Shhh! Some of us are trying to watch the movie.'

But in my current state it'd come out as, 'Halt de klappe! Einige von uns überwachen den Film.'

Because of you know, the whole German-speaking thing.

"Are you feeling ok?" asked Darcy. "You were talking about film."

I looked for another rock. He backed away and sat by a tree.

I could hear tramping footsteps and snapping twigs as the Flock 'snuck' closer.

Honestly, I'd bush-bashed quieter than that.

"Ouch, Iggy, that was my foot!"

"….Sorry."

I stared into the fire and wondered for a brief second why it was still burning when the day was seriously, in the mid thirties, when someone kicked me in the side of the head.

Dazed, I rolled across the clearing, blinking stars from my eyes.

"Was die Hö-"

Maximum Ride was standing over me, fists raised.

Karate time!

I chopped her as hard as I could in the knee and stood, swinging round and catching her in the stomach.

Looking back on it now, the fight could've been easily avoided if I'd thought of an alternate plan, which was obvious when I thought of it. I should have realized Max was easily able to beat me, after all, she was a super mutant bird kid with hygiene issues. I was just a fourteen year old Melburnian. Again, I forgot the obvious:

Max was OOC. She was weak. She was tired.

I kicked her waaaay too hard.

"Ooof!" she oofed, doubling over. I grinned.

Fang attacked me from behind. I lashed out with my foot, which he grabbed and twisted till I fell on my butt. I kicked up with my other foot and well…he wouldn't be having children any time soon.

"Darcy! Darcy!" I called. "Gehen Sie ringsum die linke Seite und erhalten Sie die drei jüngeren Zicklein. Tat freundlich und wenn alles geschieht, Entdeckung Annie! Sie spürt Jeb auf!"

That confused everyone in the clearing except me. The basic gist was:

'Go round the left side and get the three younger kids. Act friendly and if anything happens, find Annie!'

Annie being a Canonist, and the main Maximum Ride tracker. Last I'd heard, she was following Jeb.

Fang was still doubled over, so I took the liberty of smashing him in the kidneys.

It was then someone smashed me over the head with a large blunt object.

Ow.

Oh, and the smashing knocked me out. Just thought I'd mention that.

_**DANIELXWASN'TTHATGREAT,YOUKNOW.TOOMUCHACTION,ITWASSOPREDICTABLE….**_

**My world is upside down. I've discovered something….well, not discovered, half the World Wide Web knows it, and it was always at the back of my mind while I read the books. I can't believe it.**

**More about that NEXT week.**

**To more important matters:**

**A while ago I got a message about my portrayal of a New Zealand accent. Can't remember when, can't remember who, you know. But I disreagarded it as utter…what's the word, twaddle? no, bullshit, and ignored it.**

**And now I'm reading the Tomorrow series by John Marsden and can I just say:**

**Rest of world and all politicians, you SUCK! New Zealanders, I salute you. Why? Basic gist of the story: Australia is invaded (because, who wouldn't want to live here?) by an unspecified nation and most of the world won't do anything about it. But in that wonderful old ANZAC tradition, the good old Kiwi's come and fight for us.**

**So, in short. New Zealand:**

**I'm sorry I insulted your culture and unique, sheep loving way of life. Because if we get invaded, I want y'all to fight, and I'm sure if you were invaded, we'd fight for you too.**

**Because that's what Neighbours are for and the ANZACs are all about.**

**I don't know why I'm writing this…I'm all emotional from Billy Elliot and with Sait Kilda going to lose the footy so badly.**

**This time on 'Max R fics that don't get enough recognition, I was looking for a theme, you know. Best non Fax pairing, best Iggy centric. Then I thought, stuff this. I'm putting up some of the more random stuff in my favourites. So, to kick it off:**

_**The Jogger**__ by __**chocalate is gawd **_

_Ok. This is that joggers point of view. From SOF. Just a quick one-shot. T's my normal rating. It's probably really like K or something._

**Seriously minor character, but it's good. All good.**

_**The Highly Offensive Crossover Parody**__ by __**Ashily**_

_A highly offensive crossover parody between MR and HP, including impossible parodies, Mary Sues, and probably some nonsense mpreg too._

**Hil-ar-ious, dah-lings. Then there's another Maiyri fic. That chick is a GENIUS!**

**I call the pairing Fella, btw.**

_**Snow and Truth **__by__** Maiyri**_

_Five scenes in the relationship of Fang and Ella. Five-shot double drabbles. COMPLETE._

**WALL.E ROCKS!**

**Lotsa Love,**

**Nicola.**

**Word count: 2272**

**Next chapter up: Depends on what I'm doing these hols…**


	7. Entschuuuuuuuuuuuuldigung!

I woke up in the third richest room I'd ever woken up in

**So I start this chapter, get to the first page break. I got bored and wrote the karaoke fic with BlindColours. **

**Then I came back and got to the second page break and I discovered it had become one of those chapters where everything is all da-dee-da-dee dah. Like Breaking Dawn without a stupid vampire human hybrid with the third dumbest…no, second dumbest name in the world. Apple is worse. Or is it? New poll!**

**So I wrote some more. So it's a long, over 2000 words chapter.**

**In other news, I finished the Tomorrow Series. Woah. I LOVE YOU Japan and New Zealand. America, you ANZUS betraying, Vietnam fearing…nah, I can't stay mad at you! You and your gun laws fill my heart with joy.**

**Obvious Twilight, Midnighters and Anne Rice references, as well as two Simpson's and Blues Brothers references. See if you can spot em…special prize if you get three out of five. More, an even more special prize! W0Ot!**

**The Sue Slayers**

**Kapitel Sieben**

**Ent-schuuuuuuldi-gung**

I woke up in the third richest room I'd ever woken up in. The first two were-no, not going into that, but one was on another planet.

The two Flock leaders and Angel were staring at me and Squarcy trussed up on the plush, white-carpeted floor.

Angel was looking at me like I was E.T. I widened my eyes, but tried not to laugh…I so wanted to reach out and go, 'Elliiiiiot. Eliiiiiiiot.'

Squarcy wasn't doing so well. He was writhing around and making whimpering noises. Anyone would think he'd never been tied up and gagged before.

"Halt de Klappe." I hissed through my gag. It came out as more 'Huwdah Sklapa' but what can you do?

"Who are you?" asked Max. I rolled my eyes at her.

"Oh yeah."

Fang untied my gag.

"Wer Sie sind und wie trauen Sie uns oben binden! Ich bin ein gefeierter Kapitän und-"

Fang re gagged me and untied Squarcy's.

"What's wrong with her?" Max asked.

I couldn't tell if Darcy was acting or seriously scared shitless. Or he could've had SCS (Seeing Canon Shock). I was leaning towards the latter.

"She's German." whispered Darcy. "She doesn't speak English."

"Who are you?"

"I'm Darcy. She's Clare."

I started to scrape my face along the ground and felt the gag loosen. They'd used a double slipknot - rookie mistake.

"What are you doing here?"

"We're just passin' through!" Now Darcy sounded like a nineteenth century cockney boy. "We're looking for our families."

"Um, wouldn't Germany be a good place to start?"

"I'm not German!"

"She is! Why-"

"She was a German experiment and I was a New York experiment. I had to help her!"

"You're experiments?" asked Max.

Oh, like my 133t kar-ar-tay shkillz hadn't told her we were Something.

"Why did you trash the house?"

Huh. Forgotten about that.

The knot fell apart completely. I sucked in a big breath of air.

"Ent-schuuuuuuldi-gung!" I protested. (That pretty much translates as 'Ex-cuuuuse me!')

"Ein Radiergummi jagte mich."

Everyone gave me a funny look.

"She calls those Eraser wolf-men Radiergummis." Darcy told them.

Smart boy.

I nodded vigorously.

"So, how did you escape the New York institute?"

"Well. Funny story, really. Could you untie me first?"

"No."

"Well, I was sitting in my cage when these six winged kids flew in and started breaking us all out. Someone opened my cage and I bolted for the vents-it's in my nature, I guess."

"Why?"

"I have Sciurus carolinensis DNA injected into my own. It's not as glamorous as avian or pathera leo, but you know." Darcy shrugged, as well as someone with his arms trussed can shrug. I giggled.

"Sciurus carolinensis?"

"Squirrel DNA."

Everyone laughed.

Darcy sighed.

"What about her?"

Her was sitting right there.

"I don't know, some mental power-"

Angel spoke. I nearly had a heart attack – I thought she'd make a hissing noise. Instead, she sounded like Chihiro from Spirited Away.

"I think she has something like Nudge. I can't tell."

Max started looking very hard at Angel. Fang kept doing what he was doing, which was glaring at me and wincing whenever he moved. I chuckled.

Finally, Max looked back at me.

"Fang, do you think you can get like, a translator up on the laptop?"

Fang nodded.

"Guys, you can come in!" Max called.

The rest of the Flock trooped in. I was glad to see Gazzy out of the plot hole. Those things can be dangerous. And they seriously mess up your hair.

Max and Nudge untied Darcy and I, respectively. I stood slowly, rubbing my arms while Darcy jumped up and down like a dork.

"Sit down." said Max. "We still have more questions for you."

"Warum geben Sie uns den achten Grad?" I sighed, but sat next to Darcy.

Fang came back in with his shiny, shiny laptop and sat down next to Max (well within her personal space. That wasn't good.) and started clicking around.

"Um, so what are your names?" Darcy asked.

"I'm like, Nudge and this is like, Gazzy and Iggy. She's like, Angel and that's Max and Fang."

Well, that was, like, the fastest, like, I've ever heard someone, like, talk.

Like.

"I found a translator." said Fang quietly. He handed me the laptop.

I changed the languages to Deutsch zu Englisch, instead of Französisch zu Niederlandisch and started typing.

Four seconds later, I stopped.

The computer beeped, and spoke in 'Victoria', the original voice they made for Macs.

"When is lunch? I am hungry."

After a light lunch of chicken Caesar salad, garlic bread and deep fried pig anuses (sorry, _hotdogs) _I managed to fabricate a story for the translator. It involved years of torment, horrible experimentation and eurotrash pop.

Fang finally took the laptop from me.

"Do you have any powers?" the computer asked me, auf Deutsch.

I paused. I thought about using Aro, Melissa and Michael Curry as examples.

Then I thought better of it.

I started typing.

"I have a power similar to what the scientists called Psychometry I can receive a persons memories by touching their skin."

God, computers these days had such _inflection_.

In case you couldn't tell, I was being sarcastic.

**IT'S60MILESTOCHICAGOWEGOTAFULLTANKOFGASHALFAPACKOFCIGARETTES,ITSDARKANDWEREWEARINGSUNGLASSES**

It went on like that for a few days. Dr Martinez and Ella accepted our arrival with no question – in fact, you'd think wayward mutants arrived every other week – and Barry sightings went down. I tried to ask Darcy why. He had no idea, and besides, he was distracted learning about bombs from the Gasman and Iggy.

Still, I was worried about the lack of Barries, Sues, Fangirls and all round lack of CA (Canonverse Activity).

I mean, I almost, almost, _almost _missed running for my life while a Squee the Fangirologists had overlooked chased me down.

In the end, I sent Amelia a hastily written, hastily translated email at two in the morning, U.S. time.

'_Sup, Amelia-_

_I hope everyone's OK and Josh is still the only one with broken bones. I spose Darce told u the plans 4 our OCs. he's made friends with da Gasman and im doing ok with Nudge. I think it helps that shes doing ninety six percent of da talking. She's srsly hypo all the time too…did you know she can quote Hish School Musical word for word (yes, I'm afraid too.)_

_Barry, Sue and Fgrl sightings are down a heap. I don't know if the slayers r actually doin their jobs, but im still worried. u know y they've gone down?_

_German fanfics r just as bad as English ones, but wat can u do?_

_Check on Hannah 4 me. Seriously. u know as well as I do wat she'll do if shes left with arty 4 too long XD. Reply within the hour. or im going to bed. srlsy._

_-Clare.'_

I waited around for half an hour, playing Tetris and watching music videos on YouTube. Finally, Amelia replied:

**'C-**

**Josh fell down the stairs and broke his ankle, and Kelly came in yesterday with serious concussion and a dislocated jaw.'**

I winced.

'**Hannah's good, she's caught about twenty fgrls. Cliché Wraith sightings have gone down cos u and D r such clichés. Off the top of my head, IggyxOC, NudgexOC, New Experiments, Anti Flock and possible OCOC.'**

I gagged.

'**Kidding about the last one. Ask D about the other clichés, German girl. I think it was a brilliant idea, making you talk like that…reminds me of me when I went to Japan.**

**-A.'**

It was HER idea to make me speak German? Oh, she was going to PAY.

I stifled another yawn and quit the email program, before clearing the internet history. Didn't want to leave any tracks.

"Time for bed." I muttered under my breath. Zeit für Bett.

"Who's there?" asked a tired voice.

I whipped my knife out of my waistband. Then I realised:

It was the mutant blind pyro baker.

"Es ist Clare." I said quietly, tucking the knife away. I wondered briefly, if Hannah was right and I did have issues.

"Oh. You."

I just loved people thinking I couldn't understand them – Angel said some _sehr interessant _things when the others weren't around.

"Why are you awake?" Iggy asked.

I made a huh sound and pushed the laptop over to him.

He retyped it. I quickly tapped the 'volume down' button.

I took the laptop.

"I had another nightmare about Germany and I am not tired, besides." The computer enunciated.

"Oh." replied computer-Iggy. "I think everyone in the Flock gets nightmares."

"Do you?"

"Sometimes. Not about Germany. Ha ha."

I giggled. It seemed the right thing to do.

It wasn't. Do you know you can have an awkward silence between two people who DON'T speak the same language?

Well, I didn't.

Iggy got up and poured himself a glass of iced water. Good idea. It was as hot as bushfire season. Which is like, thirty five to forty degrees.

Hot.

"Why are you up?" Computer-Clare asked.

"I keep getting the feeling something is watching me. Everyone says I'm crazy, but you know."

Intriguing. Could he sense the presence of Barries or other Canonverse creatures? No, I didn't know either.

"What do you think is watching you?"

"People. Weird people, who sort of want us."

"Do you mean the scientists?"

"No…"

Iggy stopped typing for a minute.

"It's like they want us for, I don't know, family or something."

Oh, he was so close! Sues and Fangirls didn't want to be part of the Flock, they wanted Iggy and Fangs baybeez. Not actual baybeez from Iggy and Fang getting together…oh, never mind.

Again with the awkward silence. It didn't help that I'd gotten my knife out again and was pacing the kitchen.

In the end, me and my wonderful German broke the silence.

"Ich werde zu Bett gehen. Gute Nacht."

"Yeah…"

I smacked my shoulder on the doorframe on the way back to bed. I hated being in a house like this during a heatwave. It seriously stuffed up my head and well…

"Clare, Dr. M says you have to wake up! We're going shopping today! Wait, why are you asleep on the floor? Oh, who cares! Nail polish! We're going to buy nail polish!" Nudge bounced on the bed. No wait, she bounced on the floor. What had that chick (heh heh. Chick. Bird. I made a lol.) been putting up her nose?

Why did I sleep on the floor? Uh, it was cooler. And the bed was ridiculously soft and fluffy…and…I fell off, OK! Happy?

I rolled over and blinked a few times. Nudge was holding out the laptop.

"Morgen." I grumbled.

She frowned, and typed as she talked.

"Didn't you sleep well?"

I shrugged. "Thick carpet." said the computer. "I will be down in a minute. Why don't you wake Darcy?"

"Ok!"

Didn't need a translator for that.

**IT'S60MILESTOCHICAGOWEGOTAFULLTANKOFGASHALFAPACKOFCIGARETTES,ITSDARKANDWEREWEARINGSUNGLASSES**

Now. Me and shopping. I don't do well with shopping.

I like, live in Melbourne, which is like the fashion capital of Australia and like, New Zealand. My Gods, I sound like Nudge.

Though you do get good boots in Wellington. Not going into that now.

I do like shopping. When I usually went shopping with Hannah, Elliot, Molly and Kelly we went all over Melbourne, bookshops, clothes shops, book stores, boutiques, book shops, EA Games, book stores, EB Games, book and DVD shops, JB Hi Fi. All over Melbourne. I'd never forget the day we decided to visit Rialto with about seven bags each – we'd done the lolly run for HQ as well.

The trouble was, I wasn't with my friends. I was with Ella, Max and Nudge.

And they liked hardcore clothes shopping.

"Oh-ehm-gee!" Nudge screamed. Everyone in the immediate vicinity backed away three steps.

I diagnosed Nudge with UCFS (Unidentified Canon Fangirl Syndrome) and looked at the dress she was holding.

"IT'S SO YOU!" she squealed. Everyone backed away another three steps.

I did an Edward and pinched the bridge of my nose. Dear Athena, was she just OOC or was she always like this? I prayed that it was the former.

I took the dress. Bright orange, lacy, way too short.

I tossed it over my shoulder and waited for Nudge to return with something else.

Someone tapped me on the shoulder. I turned, and a lady with messed up hair held the dress out again.

I shrugged.

"Sprechen Sie Deutsches?" I asked, smiling.

The lady threw the dress into my hands and marched off.

"Oh, so you'll get it then?" asked Nudge, running up. "COOL!"

All the glasses in the chinaware department cracked, I swear.

"I found you this and this and this!" Nudge threw clothes at me. I was getting a serious OOC Alice Cullen vibe.

I quickly looked through the clothes.

Too fluro, too short, waaay too slutty, and what the hell was that?

I fingered a funny stretchy belt.

"I think it's a skirt." Max said, coming to sit next to me.

"Ich bin müde." I yawned.

Max nodded. "All I want is some jeans, but you know Ella and Nudge."

I frowned, gestured at my legs. "Jins?"

Max pulled at her tattered jeans.  
"Oh." I nodded, pushing the pile of clothes aside.

She seemed a lot more IC away from the house. At least Fang wasn't-

"Hey, ready to get some food?" asked Gazzy. All the boys walked up.

I gathered the small bundle of clothes I'd chosen, sticking the dress on top. Might as well, I'd need a dress if the weather kept up like this.

We went to the counter and piled the clothes on, looking around for 'Sugar Mummy' Dr. Martinez. She was over looking at the ten thousand dollar plasma TVs. We waved her over.

All in all, it had been a good mission so far. Sure, I'd had some bad times on missions. Especially in malls. Because:

a. Sues and Fangirls congregate at clothes and book shops.

b. I got so creeped out about the Gruen Transfer affecting me that it usually did.

c. I lost an ear in a mall once, thanks to a Cullen Sue and

d. I was still missing part of the earlobe.

**This week on fics that need recognition, I was looking for darker stories and songfics, any pairing. And I found some:**

_**How to Save a Life **__by__** rainxface **_

_Fang's in state hospital. Max visits him. Two teens with errupting hormones. beware... almost rated M, but not there yet. songfic. 'How to Save a Life' by the Fray. fax and slight Niggy._

**Ignore the misspelling on erupting. It's a great songfic. Bit of a lemon, but what can you do? **

**Then, a pairing that NEEDS to be explored:**

_**Soldier Boy with Silver Eyes **__by__** Starlight Disaster **_

_-oneshot- -Nomega- And this is the world ends, a single shot and a spray of blood. We are left with the aftermath._

**To quote…er, myself, "friggin AWESOME!"**

**You know, I'm a little sick of the pairing wars. I read pretty much any pairing, unless it's ArtemisXButler or ChildXAdult. Incest used to be included, but then I read Shatterlight in the SOUE section…**

**To one of the main enemies of FAX:**

_**Blind Love: Beautiful**__ by __**VenusOfHecate**_

_Iggy doesn't need to see Max to know she's beautiful. Written as a challenge from a friend. More details inside. IggyxMax_

**I seriously nearly converted to Miggy when I read it.**

**Honest.**

**Well, not really, but it's awesomely awesome.**

**Awesome.**

**Uh, see you guys next update!**

**-Nicola.**

**Word count: 2761**

**Next chapter up: Week or so. No promises.**


	8. Bloody Pez Dispenser

I was almost glad Nudge had gotten me such skimpy clothes because by the time we got back to the mansion – yes, mansion, it mad

**References are Bartimaeus Trilogy (you really should read them again, italiangurl), an obvious Summer Heights High, Midnighters (AGAIN) and Not Another Teen Movie (it's lowbrow, it's sexist, it's crude, but I LOVE THAT MOVIE!).**

**Is this a late update? I don't know…uh, not a hundred percent happy with this chapter; it lacks my usual pizzazz, but…PLOT! ZOMG!**

**DISCLAIMER: Jimmy Pats is like Eoin Colfer. He's an old foreign man. I'm a young Aussie chick. W0O1!**

**The Sue Slayers: Attack of the Clichés**

**Kapitel Acht**

**Bloody Pez Dispenser!**

I was almost glad Nudge had gotten me such skimpy clothes because by the time we got back to the mansion – yes, mansion, it made Fowl Manor look like a shack – I'd lost forty kilos of my body weight sweating. It was so damned hot I expected the CFA was…oh, anyway. It was hot.

The sky was as freaking azure as it can get, so bright it burnt my eyes.

"Hey, look how blue the sky is!" said Ella.

"Oh, YEAH, wow." the sarcasm in Iggy's voice was not in short supply.

"It's SOOO HOT!" Nudge shrieked.

"Yeah, it is."

These people were always one step behind, weren't they?

I twitched. Must've been a fly.

"IT'S SO HOT WE CAN GO SWIMMING AND DIVING!" Nudge screamed at the top of her lungs. "I LOVE SWIMMING-"

While the others tried to shut her up, Darcy tapped me on the shoulder.

"OOC." he mouthed.

I made a 'ya think?' face.

Nudge finally shut up and I leant my head against the window. I closed my dry eyes to catch some Zzzzzzs when I twitched. Again.

Another random head flip. Yeah, um, since when did I start randomly flipping my head?

Unless it was another fly.

Eh, whatever.

I put my head back against the window and closed my eyes again. Where were those pesky Zzzzzzs?

I twitched again, flipping my head hard to the right and simultaneously smacking my head and jarring my neck. I wasn't a bloody Pez dispenser!

My scalp felt like it was burning and I ran my hand through my hair. I bit my lip. I had an itchy eyebrow – itchy nose – itchy chin – itchy remaining earlobe. I don't usually get phantom itches. What the hell was going on?

By the time we were sitting down to afternoon tea I had compiled an extensive mental list.

a. I was going insane.

b. I was already insane and just showing off.

c. I had prickly heat, which I never got.

d. I'd missed something on my OC sheet. I checked back a few chapters, nope. I hadn't.

e. Angel.

"Angel." I grumbled, my hand trembling.

"Yes?" she asked sweetly.

"Haben Sie versucht, meinen Verstand zu lesen?" I typed.

"Have you been trying to read my mind?" the computer translated.

Everyone looked at me, then Angel. Except Iggy, of course. Then they all looked back at me.

I slid the laptop down the table, around the hamburgers.

Angel lifted her hands and put them down. She typed a letter. Then another letter. Aaaand another.

Then she fixed me with a glare that sent chills down my spine.

I was flung backwards off my chair and spilt my water everywhere. I landed on my elbow - but the explosion of painful tingling in my humerus was the least of my worries. I felt as if someone was drilling a nail (a screw, whatever) into my forehead.

"Heilige Scheiße, Sie kleines Weibchen! Puck du!" I yelled. "Aaaagh!"

The pain in my head lessened and I slowly opened my eyes. The entire Flock was standing over me.

I rubbed the back of my head. No blood, just owchee-mama. Why did a mental shield hurt so badly? I thought. I'd rather have her read my mind. Then I remembered the nine years I'd spent in another world, the fact I was thinking about how the people in the kitchen were fictional characters…

"Oh Angel." sighed Max. "You know you can't get into Clare's head."

She made it sound like she'd been caught with her hand in the cookie jar.

I stretched my arm out in front of me and rubbed the elbow. Really, really painful tingling.

I tried to sit up but slipped in the water and fell down again.

"What just happened?" Iggy asked.

"Nothing like intimate time with the floor, eh?" Max joked.

Oh, she was going dooooooooooooooown.

Without thinking, I took her outstretched hand.

We both had time to mutter (in different languages, mind), 'What the hell?' before she was clutching her head and I was in the foetal position.

I felt hundreds of needles jammed into my flesh, I felt being made to run further and harder than anyone could. Images of blank white hallways and white coated men filled my memory and all I could smell was a sort of antisepticy doctors office smell. I saw the Flock as children and babies.

Then I saw nothing but blue sky and-

"LET GO!" yelled someone, ripping Max's hand out of mine.

The images stopped flickering past my eyes and I stopped whimpering like a Sue stuck in a net.

Max stumbled backwards a few steps until Fang caught her.

I lay back down in the puddle of water, feeling more tired than I ever had. All I wanted to do was just go to sleep for a little while. And have nightmares about Hell on earth, a place I'd never been.

But I'm me, so no. That wouldn't happen.

"LETS GO SWIMMING!" Nudge screeched.

Sounded fun.

I grinned and bounded up. The Flock dispersed to change into their bathers.

Darcy sidled over to me, already in his board shorts and a t-shirt. He was quick, I could give him that.

I smiled and did my ditzy blonde hair twirl. I wondered if I had concussion.

"Mood swing much?" he asked.

I shrugged. "Ich hatte gerade meine Stunde."

"Uh huh." Darcy scratched the back of his head. "I found this note in my bed."

He handed me a piece of folded paper.

I unfolded it (as you do) and grinned when I saw the familiar letterhead and font – the Slayers, for some reason, like using Bradley Hand.

"I don't understand it." said Darcy. "It's like, coded or something."

'_JC L7 CSM-_

_Meet CT in Area at half past twelve, tonight. We're meeting Barry. Bring YJA, we'll supply artillery and the custard._

_ - SC L10 CT_

_MSS, Unt.'_

I could understand why he didn't have clue what it meant. Initials, code words (now THAT was an obvious one).

I pointed to the top line. "Das bin ich, Clare Susan Martin. Du, YJA."

"Barries?" asked Darcy.

I nodded. "Midnighter."

Closest I could get to midnight.

"You might have to wake me."

I nodded again, tucked the note into my pocket and went off to get changed, humming.

I found the hot pink (blinding!) and white striped bikini Ella had deemed appropriate. I could see a Playboy Bunny or a Big Brother contestant in it, not me.

I gave the note another glance and saw a message written in hand along the bottom.

'_C, Amelia wanted to tell me Hannah has line danced and she's washing her hands. No idea what it means, but Amelia and Grace have flipped. See ya tonight._

_ -A.'_

"Oh, Hannah." I murmured, tearing up the note.

I stuffed a few pieces into my mouth and began to change.

Note paper is chewy. I was just finishing up the note when Nudge knocked on the door.

"CLARE! COME ON!"

Oh, I couldn't wait to kick some Barry bum.

I swallowed the last of the note and opened the door, a big grin on my face.

Inside, I felt like my heart had been stabbed. Twice.

Max and the Flock had grown up in well, Hell. I thought Jimmy Pat had been exaggerating.

But the biggest stab wound was Hannah. The Slayers had a few rules, but they were big ones and if you broke them, well, you could wave bye-bye to your career.

I jumped in the pool. When I say pool, I mean Olympic sized pool. With fountains and a waterslide and a diving area and…well, I wondered if Martinez was pulling in tricks to make ends meet.

"Marco Polo!" Ella yelled. "Gazzy's it!"

She paused for a second, bobbing in the water. "And no flying!"

And so it began. Gazzy tagged Angel, Angel tagged Max (who was going easy) and Max spent ages chasing Fangs voice before flirt-tackling him (if you don't know what that is, you've never played girls vs. boys footy). Basically the girl wraps her arms around the guy, giggles a lot and touches as much of their skin as they can.

Works every time - I'm a master of that move.

I swam over to the side of the pool and sat on the ledge, scanning the horizon. No Barries, Sues or Fangirls.

It was quiet. Too quiet. Where was every-

"Marco!"

"Polo." I said, and Fang got me on the shoulder. Darnit.

I closed my eyes and started wandering around the pool.

_**ISHOTHIM!NAH,ISHOTHIM!FUCKYOUISHOTHIM!FUCKNO,IDIDDICKHEAD – UNDERBELLY**_

When you're sneaking out to hunt anything, the rule is to not raise suspicion. You go to bed the same as always, you wear your sneaking out clothes under your pyjamas, you put your shoes on outside.

Unfortunately, as I may have mentioned briefly, it was hot.

Even leggings and a t-shirt are hot.

I rolled over and checked the digital clock. Viertel nach elf…quarter past eleven. I was allowing forty minutes to get to the spot (navigation was not my strongest suit) and for any other things that popped up.

Besides, Darcy seemed to be a heavy sleeper.

I rolled over again and kicked the sheets off. If it had been any other night, I so would've just gone on the laptop again and killed time reading Eragon sporkings.

But, Jesus, those bird kids (especially Iggy) could hear like bats. So it was going to be Darcy putting his Squirrel-ness to the test and going out the window, while I would make my excuses and go for a walk.

And if one of the Bird Kids followed…well, Jimmy Pat would be getting some serious writers block.

I reached under my pillow and found my flick knife, tucking it down my shirt. Ooh, that was cold.

I rolled over again and looked out the window. There was a half moon and about ten tons of stars, something I never saw in Melbourne. It looked…well, ever so romantic. I mean, the heat, the moon and the stars. I played with the idea of abandoning the hunt and going swimming, when as if on cue, I heard splashing.

Nicht gut.

I reached under the bed, where, tied to the slats of the mattress, was my cute little micro-mini Sue gun. I yanked it out and tucked it into my waistband before tip-slow-pad-walking (You know, first tiptoeing, then slowly padding on full feet) across the hallway. Like the scaredy-cat I was, I then hid behind the curtain and peered out.

Just as I suspected. Max and Fang having a moonlight swim. I hoped to all the Gods, Deities and Celestial Beings I could think of that they weren't skinny-dipping.

Feeling like a stalker, I crawled out onto the balcony (good thing it was there, ay?) and peered out through the slats of the rail, scanning for Barries. After all, what kind of teenager would be into moonlight swimming and – oh. Right.

I finally spotted the Barry, about thirty metres away. It was hovering over the pool, silhouetted in moonlight. It made a rather impressive, Grim Reaper-esque image.

It also made an incredibly easy target.

I pulled my gun from my waistband, pulled the safety catch off, aimed, thought better of it. I glanced at the kids again, they were swimming closer together…oh, dear God.

I pulled my t-shirt over my head and wrapped it round the gun to help muffle the sound, closed one eye to judge better, and fired.

Almost instant result. The Barry did a Dementor and swooped away.

Max's high pitched, OOC giggle cut off.

"Uh Fang?"

"Yeah, Max?"

"Why are we in the pool?"

"I don't know, I think uh…I'm gonna go to bed now."

I pressed my hand down over my mouth and tried not to laugh out loud. When I had my giggles under control, I scuttled into Darcy's room. Confusing analogy. Sorry.

He was awake, ready and shivering with nerves. He gave me a weird look when I came in.

Oops. I put my shirt back on.

"Ready to go?" he whispered. I rolled my eyes and pointed towards the window.

"Meet up at the spot?" he asked. I nodded and made my silent-ish way down the hallway. Squirrel Boy'd be fine on the drainpipe, I'd seen him climbing it the other day.

I took the stairs carefully, made it across the TV room and out the kitchen without a hitch. It was all good, damn good.

**I was in a morbid mood…well, not really, and I was looking at some darker stuff. Deaths, illness and pairings that will make Jimmy Pat turn in his future grave…but THEY'RE SOOOO WELL WRITTEN!!**

_**Dissolve and Decay **__by__** Stephanie Pascal **_

"_So maybe I should do it," he mused, pretending to think about it. "Maybe I should pull this trigger and fire a bullet directly into your skull, blowing your brains out mercilessly, and then deal with Chuckles over here." He gestured to me. MF oneshot._

**It's great. Can I elaborate? Really great. Ich magst es!**

_**The Night He Forgot**__ by __**GundamGurl17**_

_Calling all angst lovers! Warning, MAJOR spoilers. Takes place after Blue Noon_

**Oh, bollocks. That's from Midnighters, hang on…**

_**Perfected Angel**__ by __**ApplePad**_

_Max 2 has always been left behind. For the original. It was never her. But now that she thought about it, the thought of the two of them together was perfect. Just like her. Mild Max/Max2 onesided drabble. Written for unique pairing challenge._

**I'm thinking about doing the challenge. Any pairing suggestions?**

**Aaand, finally:**

_**Promise**__ by __**turquoise.seas**_

_It could have killed Max. MY Max. Fang POV, redo of the beach scene with the seashell. Oneshot._

**In OTHER news, I nearly cried last night because I saw the season finale of season 1 of Dexter and I was like, to quote a Fangirl "OHNOES! He had 2 killz d 1 person who undastooodz him!" and Dads like, "Nicola, this is a load of bulls."**

**No seriously. I wanted to hug Dexter, he's so awesome. Guess what I'm getting for Christmas XD.**

**Thanks for reading,**

**Nicola.**

**Word count: 2458**

**Next chapter up: Ich weiss nicht. Entschuldigung.**


	9. Just Like A Toothbrush

fanfiction

**ZOMG! So many reviews! With the original Slayers, it took about five more chapters to get the same amount of words we have now. Awesome!**

**Obvious Dexter references, a cameo from two A New Fangirologist characters, The Simpsons (something Bart says), and what I think is a very clever Twilight one.**

**I think we're going to hit 20 000 words this chapter…so cool!**

**The Sue Slayers: Attack of the Clichés**

**Chapter Nine**

**Just Like A Toothbrush**

"Don't you see what the Slayers make us into?" she cried. "They mess our heads up so badly we can't, like…function!"

I stayed where I was, on my bed, fists clenched and breathing hard.

"They make you into a fighting machine and you don't have a say because you're so young! AND just because I like some guy they're well-"

"You DESERVE IT!" I yelled, sitting up. "Darcy, get out of here. Now."

Darcy looked at me, at Hannah. He backed out the door and closed it behind him.

"I don't believe YOU! You did the exact. Same. Thing."

In one quick movement, I slipped my knife out of my sleeve and pointed it at her.

"Say that again and mean it." I hissed.

"See? They turn you into a crazy ninja!"

Ok, maybe she had a point.

_**SAMANDLISSAARENOTDEVILREINCARNATES,THEYAREPROBABLYREALLYNICEPEOPLEWHENYOUGETTOKNOWTHEM!**_

Again, ignore that. It comes in later.

I found the clearing with minimal injuries (stick in the eye, anyone?). Sitting in a small circle were seven Slayers, three boys and four girls.

"CLARE!" cried A…or Annie, the main Maximum Ride tracker. She got up and flung her arms around me.

"Hi!" Oh, I was so glad I could speak English again. "Oh my God, have you-"

"Fang and Max can't keep their hands off each other! Good shooting with that Barry earlier and-"

The British never shut up. That's why I love them.

"Brilliant!" I said. "But hang on, I've been wanting to say this all week."

I extricated myself carefully, walked across the clearing and began to kick a random tree.

"Holy cow, Angel you freaky little bitch I fuc-"

"Um, Clare?"

"Nearly done. –King HATE YOUR GUTS and why can't you just stop being so damn stubborn!"

I gave the tree one last kick and turned around. "Hi, everybody."

Everyone nodded.

Annie sidled over and guided me away from the tree.

"You know Matt and Beth." she pointed at a blonde guy and a redheaded girl. I saluted Matt and Beth saluted me.

I love outranking people.

"Then, these are the new level fours from Britain, Christy, Lisa, Jack and Andy."

"Hi, multiplied by four." I said, as Darcy stumbled into the clearing. "And this is my apprentice."

Everyone mumbled a greeting.

"Level 10 Canonist."

Everyone saluted.

Salute, salute.

After some more saluting, Annie began to brief us. Rather, she told us exactly what we were doing and how we were going to do it.

"Basically," she said, pointing at a hand-drawn map in her Beatles notebook. "We are here. The Barries are…here." she tapped an X a little way away from the O that was us.

"Tonight, we're going for the Barries that cause OOCness."

"Which is every single one." quipped Beth. I threw a stick at her.

"Thank you. No, we're going for FaxFaxFax clichés, mostly."

"THANK GOD!" said Darcy and I.

Weird looks for us.

"Well, they've been doing…stuff all week!" Darcy protested.

"I don't see what's so bad about it." I shrugged. "Apart from the PDA and ick factor."

"Oh yeah, you haven't read the series, have you?" Annie asked.

I shrugged. "Read the first one. Great beach scene, really."

"You truly are a brilliant Canonist." said Matt dryly. I threw a stick at him.

"Fax isn't out there and flamboyant. It's…"

"Subtle." Beth held up a copy of Schools Out Forever. "Blink and you'll miss it."

I took the book.

"Thanks." Back to business. I wanted to stab something. "Anything else, Annie?"

"Yup. We've figured the Barries come in waves. Like, one wave will be OOC causing, the next might be 'The School Captures Them' ones, then some bad crossovers with Harry Potter or Twilight."

"Like every single other fandom in the 'Verse." said Beth.

I pulled my gun out. "Let's boogie."

I ended up with Annie at the front of the group. We made our way carefully through the woods towards the X of Barries. We were about a hundred metres away, again with minimal injuries (stick in the other eye, anyone?) when Annie ran ahead to check the way was clear.

I turned to Darcy. He was shivering, strange in the heat and holding his gun like a toothbrush. I don't know, just like a toothbrush!

"Are you ok?" I asked.

"Just…a little nervous."

Uh-huh.

I turned to Beth.

"Hey, how many points are Barries worth?"

Level points is how you sort of well, get Levels. Levels One to Five, you were a Lieutenant, Level Six to Nine you were a Private or Junior Captain, depending on your class. Double digits and you were a Senior Captain, though by then you were usually a Commander or Head of Department.  
Beth rolled her eyes. "Only two each. I've gotten about twenty and I'm still months off a level up."

Six measly points. I needed another hundred to make it to level eight.

"Wait, what level are you gunning for?"

"Six. I've been doing a lot on Canons lately." Beth held up a small, orange ribbon. Level Twelve.

WHY DID ALL THE CANONISTS OUT RANK ME?

I rolled my shoulders as Annie came back from over the hill, trying to loosen them up. Just one of my adorable, endearing habits.

Annie stumbled over a stick and tried to ignore our giggling.

"There's about twenty. Just like we estimated."

"Then why did you need me and Darcy?" I asked. "That's not that many."

Oops.

There was a sucking sound, which seemed very loud in the still air, and a small red and silver plot hole opened under my left shoe. And consequently, foot.

"Oh, jeez." I muttered, and took a few steps to the right.

"Thanks Clare, thanks." Matt whacked me over the head. I stepped on his foot. He jabbed me in the back.

"Hey, Cee, you wanna sort this out?" asked Matt. I turned around.

"Hells yeah, brother, lets take this inside."

"Guys!" said Annie. "There are some lovely Level Seven Sues, Clare. I thought you wanted to bump up your level score."

The plot hole closed up and I gave her my full attention.

"Yeah. Clare and Beth will get the Sues, Darcy and Christy, stay with me. Matt, you're with the other two."

"Lets go round the far side." Beth told me. I nodded, looked at Annie.

"What you lookin' at me for?"

Ok, then. Weird looks for you.

With nods to the others, Beth and I jogged through the forest, trying to avoid sticks and ferns. Fat chance, every step we took sounded like someone was breaking a handful of dry spaghetti.

We paused behind a large what-I-thought-was-a-Redwood and peered out.

Sure enough, there were Sues, exactly eleven of them, standing beside a Barry each. The ones I could see were all mutants. Three had avian DNA, one was an Eraser, one looked…kind of mixed and another had creepily big eyes, bigger than any manga character I'd met. They weren't really doing anything, just…chillin'. Killin'. Little bit of yillin'.

I clicked the safety off and Beth did the same.

"Count of three." she muttered.

"Eins, zwei, DREI!"

"Um, why are you-"

"Mary Sue Slayers!" I called, jumping out and pointing my gun at a winged, green haired Sue with catlike features. "You are under arrest for, well, because…"

"YOU SUCK!" yelled Beth, opening fire. I cackled. Never heard that one before.

I joined in as three Sues exploded. I ducked as the small intestine of one whirled over my head, and jumped over a spleen, before shooting the green haired Sue, who burst.

I saw the rest of the people join in as I pulled out my knife, flicked it open and plunged it into a Barries chest and began to pull it along. It felt like I was pulling the knife through a few layers of cardboard.

"You're so badly constructed!" I laughed, pulling the knife out and darting backwards.

One of the last Sues grabbed me around the waist and pinning my arms.

"How dares youu?" she screeched, snatching my gun away. "Dno't GO Nearr mi FolcK!"

"It's…Flock." I hissed, stabbing her in the thigh.

"Augh!" she let go of me and clutched at the wound, but it was already healing. Damn those mutants!

Not bothering to get my gun (Never, ever bend over to get something in a battle unless someone has your back. Just don't), I did the slightly sicker thing and thrust the knife in under her ribcage, feeling her skin and clothes give the tiniest bit of resistance before glowing, golden ichor (what the hell was a mutant doing bleeding _ichor_?((It's the blood of the Greek Gods))) spurted out all over my hands. Pleasantly warm ichor. I shook off those Dexter-y thoughts and paid attention to the job at hand.

She was spitting up blood as I dropped to my knees, snatched my gun up and shot upwards into the Sues jaw.

One of her kidneys hit me in the chest, splattering my shirt with blood. I made an ick face.

The attack had wound down around me, and as I wiped my knife on my shirt, the last Barry was defeated.

"Matt, grab the cards, we have a list but want to-"

"Annie! I know, I know."

I was squeezing blood out of my shirt when Darcy came up to me, brain mush splattered all over his face.

"Fun?" I asked, then spat out a wad of spit and well, more blood.

He looked a little shaky, and pale under the grey matter – or that could've been his pale ranga-ness – but otherwise, fine.

"I didn't think it'd be so messy." he said. "A bit of blood, spew. Not brain fluid and-"

"Kidneys?" I held up a dripping organ. Again with Dexter-ish act.

Darcy sucked in a breath and took a step back.

I tossed the organ behind me, where it melted into liquid.

"I know, it's scary, innit?"

I could just remember my first big messy battle. I'd thrown up and fainted, Jack Heath style. Except Jack Heath didn't faint into his vomit. I smiled at the memory…Hannah hadn't stopped laughing at me for weeks.

"Oh, my Bartimaeus." I said. "Annie! What was that on the note about the Palindrome?"

Weird looks for me.

Annie hurried across the clearing, wiping something chunky off her neck. She pulled me aside.

"She disobeyed Rule One."

"She KILLED ARTEMIS FOWL?" I shrieked. Everyone turned to look at us.

"Uh, I meant Rule Two."

I leant against a tree, sighing with relief. "Well, that's…woah, you scared – HOLY SHIT, SHE DISOBEYED RULE TWO?"

"Holy shit." nodded Annie. "I was gabberflasted when I heard. I mean, flabbergasted."

"I miss the old, random days!" I groaned, sliding down into a sitting position.

"She's gone." said Annie slowly. She sat down beside me.

I nodded, rubbing my eyes with my palm. "Designated ship and all. Why couldn't she have picked, like-"

"Annie, Cee!" yelled Matt. "It's one-thirty!"

"Trouble Kelp." joked Annie, trying to lighten the mood. Her hair was all flat and non Alice-Culleny, though. Not a good sign.

I frowned.

"I know you too well. I mean, just don't go Rule Two-ing around with any other Canons. I don't want to lose-"

Annie hated that mushy stuff. So did I.

"There are bugs on your shirt."

I looked down. Surprise, surprise, a ton of flying and crawling creatures were having a taste of the bodily fluids on my shirt. I whipped it over my head, screwing up my nose when it smeared. I handed the shirt to Annie.

"Thanks. Really."

I removed my shoes on the veranda and threw the knife and gun into them, before tiptoeing into the kitchen. Left foot on tiles, right foot on tiles. By jove, did they feel cool under my feet.

I rinsed my hands in the sink and walked quietly up to bed, wondering how well Hannah would do at a normal school.

_**SAMANDLISSAARENOTDEVILREINCARNATES,THEYAREPROBABLYREALLYNICEPEOPLEWHENYOUGETTOKNOWTHEM!**_

The next day was better…and worse. Worse because somehow, it was even hotter, but better because, well, OOCness was down seventy five decibels.

There was a soft tap on my door.

"Clare?" said Nudge, at a volume that was socially acceptable. "It's time to get up, Dr. Martinez is making chocolate chip pancakes! It's gonna be great!"

Ahh, no more rude awakenings. I rolled over to face her.

"Danke Nudge, fünf minuten."

I slipped out of bed and washed the mud and blood off my legs in my private bathroom before throwing on the orange dress and my swimsuit.

Not in that order, obviously.

Chocolate chip pancakes. Never had those before. You know, because even though Australia is the fattest nation in the world, we don't eat chocolate for breakfast.

Long story short: They were good. The day was looking up.

"So, Ella, are you going back to school tomorrow?" asked Max.

"Um, yeah. It's like, totally snuck up this year. It feels like the summers gone by like, that." Ella snapped her fingers. "Can't wait to see Shaw, though."

"Shaw?" asked Iggy.

"Why haven't you seen him all summer?" asked Nudge. "If I had a boyfried, I'd want to see him, like, all the time. We'd do all the cute stuff and-"

"He was in New York visiting his sister. She goes to this boarding school, um, Saint Marie Sues."

I choked on my orange juice and blew some out my nose.

"Oh ehm gee!" said Nudge as the table laughed. "Are you OK?"

"Ich bin fein." I laughed, dabbing my front with a napkin.

"Why in New York?" asked Darcy.

"It's like, this special school for people gifted with English."

Ah, parallel universes. Gotta love 'em.

"So what are we gonna do on my last day of freedom?" Ella asked.

"Swimming?" suggested Angel.

"Karaoke!" cried Nudge.

"Yeah, Karaoke!" cheered Gazzy.

Fang shuddered and we all gave him a weird look.

"I just had a weird…never mind." he went back to his cereal.

"I was thinking we could go to the movies and see The House Bunny or Eagle Eye or something." said Ella.

I ignored the conversation and continued to dab.

"Gazzy, Nudge and Angel aren't seeing either of those movies." said Max quickly.

"Eagle Eye sounds like a documentary on birds."

"Believe me." Ella smiled. "It isn't."

She began to explain the plot. Apparently one of her friends had seen it the other week. It was all I could do not to smash my head into the remains of my pancakes.

"But even if we go to the movies, Clare won't be able to understand."

Well, sorry for breathing. I rolled my eyes and whipped the laptop out from under the table.

Movie was hopefully similar enough in German. I really didn't care.

"I don't really feel like going to the movies I didn't get much sleep last night. I think I'll stay here and have a nap."

"It was you in the woods making all that noise?" asked Fang. You know, via the computer.

I shrugged, and typed, "I tripped a few times, yeah."

**If you read the pagebreak, I hope you'll agree. I hate those stories where like, Sam is a sex rapist maniac STD carrying dickhead and Lissa is some cheap horny slut. True, 'Medusa', one of my favourite fics shows she's part of that group but it still shows she's got incredible depth and feelings.**

**So, my challenge to you lot is write a fic (oneshot, long fic, whatever) about Sam or Lissa. It could be like, a 'what if The Flock had stayed at Anne's,' or 'what if they met up with Lissa' or maybe Sam is The Directors illegitimate son. The challenging part is show they have depth, show they're proper characters, because even Jimmy Pat has trouble with that sometimes coughwomensmurderclubcough.**

**And this week on fics lacking in recognition…**

**I noticed a pattern. An author severely overlooked because of her originality and unusual story ideas. She's one of my favourites and the author of Medusa, Maiyri.**

**Oh, and she's a kiwi, which makes her even better!**

**And I don't really have time to find overlooked fics, I have an assignment. Due tomorrow. That I should've done all holidays, but NOOOOOO.**

**-Nicola.**

**Word Count: 2787**

**Next Chapter Up: Week, week and a half. School tomorrow!**


	10. CHILDREN IN THE AREA!

Clare-

**I AM SO SORRY! I just could not get around to writing this, and then last week I wrote it, then went, screw that and wrote THIS while watching United 93. Not a good movie for writing parodies with.**

**Yup, so it's a move the plot along rather than a fun fun whimsy chapter.**

**There's a Stark reference and an obscure, obscure, obscure Star Wars III reference. If anyone gets it I will worship you for eternity.**

**The Sue Slayers: Attack of the Clichés**

**Chapter…Ten?**

**CHILDREN IN THE AREA!**

_Clare-_

_Dude, we haven't heard from you for three weeks. What the hell is happening?? Grace is going NUTS. We need to talk about Hannah; btw, it's about her court martial._

_You're a character witness, SUCKER!_

_But seriously, we have to get some communication going, or people will think you're dead. You're not, are you?_

_-Amelia._

**Amelia-**

**It's nothing. Nothing's happened, it's just been ridonkulously hot. No Barries, but Annie did mention them coming in like, waves. I've been getting better at speaking English again. Big woop, yeah yeah.**

**I'll figure something out about the martialling. When is it, I'll just open a big plot hole and shove the Flock in for the day.**

**Talk soon, like a couple days.**

**-Clare.**

I closed the laptop lid quietly. 2: 45 AM wasn't the best time to send emails, but it would be quarter to six in Australia and hopefully Amelia would get it immediately.

I dipped my fingers into my glass of water and smeared it onto my wrists and neck. It was absolutely boiling for nighttime, around thirty-eight degrees. The day had been even hotter, almost forty-six.

I slid off the stool and padded upstairs to bed, praying that the next wave of Barries would be Christmas fluff ones. Snow would be a nice change.

_**I'MSCARREDFORLIFE…ISAWKEVINCOSTNERNAKED…I'MSCARREDFORLIFE…ISAWKEVINCOSTNERNAKED**_

"Clare?" asked Nudge.

I looked up from lunch.

"Are you ok?"

I shrugged. "I'm…fine. _Die Leser bis zur Geschwindigkeit mit dem storyline gerade, erhalten, wissen Sie."_

"How about some more language lessons later?" Nudge asked me.

I nodded. "Ist gut idee."

I did like English, I was fantastic at it. It was like I knew the language already.

I shovelled another forkful of egg salad in my mouth and looked out the window at the blinding day.

"Christ, it's hot."

"Gazzy!" cried Max. "Don't use that kind of language."

I chuckled. Ten minutes later, we were in the pool.

I breast (hee hee. Breast) stroked over to the shadier area of the pool and lay back in the water, closing my eyes. I could get used to this kind of lazy rich snob living.

"I could get used to this kind of living." Darcy paddled over to me.

I cracked open one eye and was about to make a witty German retort when-

"ERASER! ERASER!" shrieked Angel.

I stood up and looked around. Where? The rest of the Flock was doing the same.

"ERASER! ERASER! MAX!"

"WHERE, Angel?" asked Max. Fang waded over next to her and glanced around.

Angel pointed at the woods opposite the house, trembling. I could just see a dim shape, like a furry-lump-which-could-possibly-have-been-an-Eraser. Max and Fang got out of the pool quickly and hurried over to the furry-lump-which-could-possibly-have-been-an-Eraser. I glanced over to the east, where two human size shapes moved slowly towards the house.

I got out of the pool and slipped my feet into my thongs, slapping after the lovebirds. Heh heh, love_birds_.

Max and Fang were prodding the furry-lump-which-could-possibly-have-been-an-Eraser with sticks when I arrived.

"What is it?" I asked.

"Doesn't look like an Eraser." Max said, giving the lump another jab. "Too wolfy."

"And it's way too big." added Fang.

I knelt beside the head end and nudged it with my elbow. I'd stupidly left my gloves by the pool, and I wasn't one for touching things without them these days.

The furry-lump-which-could-possibly-have-been-an-Eraser lifted its head up and blinked at me with large, brown almost human eyes.

Oh, dear Carlisle.

"Nicht Radiergummi." I said, racking my brains to get the right words, auf Englisch, out.

"Max, Fang-"

"Yeees?" asked Max.

"Say hello…this…"

"What?"

"Jacob. He is called Jacob."

Jacob Black, that is. The crossover Barries had arrived. Dun dun dun duuuun.

At his name, Jacob looked up at me properly, trying to stand.

"Is he a mutant?"

I shrugged. "No understand."

"Like us? Ex-per-iment?"

I shook my head. "Er ist…he's like…you say, er. He is not bad, or anything. We is safe."

Unless, you know, the Cullens or Volturi popped in for a cuppa.

"Jacob – no, guys!" Max called over her shoulder. "Stay there for a minute."

I sat down on the forest floor in front of the werewolf, wincing when a stick jabbed into my thigh.

"Jacob?' I asked.

He made whining noise.

"Clare." I pointed at my face.

Darcy came running up.

"Are you ok? What's going on?"

I cut Max off. "Das ist Jacob."

"Jacob?"

To Max and Fang, it would've seemed like he was asking, incredulously, 'A giant wolf named Jacob. Crazy German lady, he ain't Jacob!'

When in fact, he was asking, 'You're sure it's Jacob Black, of the Twilight-verse?'

I nodded. "Jacob Black, I sure."

Which meant, 'Dude, I have a medal for dealing with Twilight Canons, I know a bloody SMeyer werewolf when I see one!'

Jacob made another little whining noise, like he was confused or something. I was simply amazed he hadn't seen the wings on the kids yet.

"Phase." I said, my accent making it sound like Phayze. "Kthnx."

Jacob tilted his head.

"Please phayze." I tried to make myself say, 'change to human.' "Andern Sie in einen Menschen." was all that came out.

"Turn into Jacob?" asked Fang, who had whipped the laptop out of nowhere.

I remembered just a little too late _why _the werewolves usually phased in thick, wooded areas.

"TURN BACK! THERE ARE CHILDREN IN THE AREA!" I yelled in full on English, Aussie accent and all. That's what a shock does for you, makes you go all OOC.

Luckily, the Flock and Darcy were all shielding their eyes and running away, which made for some fairly hilarious collisions.

When a wolf barked…can wolves bark?...I opened my eyes again.

"Danke Carlisle." I muttered. "I will…get some-"

What was that word again?

"Clothes." Iggy supplied.

I jumped. Damn blind kid wouldn't have run away.

"Danke." I said, taking the bundle he gave me.

"Bitte." he replied.

I jammed the clothes into Jacobs maw and pointed behind some trees. Tail between legs, he trotted behind.

"Es ist OK!" I called.

Darcy and Angel were the first to blindly feel their way back through the forest. I was just glad no one had collided with a Slayer or Barry. That would've sucked summin' awful.

"These clothes are too small!" Jacob called from behind the tree.

"Für die Liebe von allem, das Bartimaeus ist, kommen Sie nicht heraus!" I shrieked.

Max and Gazzy found their way back, eyes still closed.

"Can I have some new ones, then?"

"Faaa-aaang!" Nudge sang, blundering in from the west. "We need your biggest clothes!"

_**I'MSCARREDFORLIFE…ISAWKEVINCOSTNERNAKED…I'MSCARREDFORLIFE…ISAWKEVINCOSTNERNAKED**_

After about ten minutes of shrieking, running and crying, Jacob managed to fit into Fang's biggest pair of black parachute pants and a massive Green Day t-shirt.

Max, Fang and I sat opposite Jacob in the kitchen, with the younger kids and Iggy in the next room.

I fiddled around with the laptop and found a magic program that recorded spoken words into text, then into German. Handy.

"I'm part of a tribe of Native Americans with the gift or curse to turn into wolves at will. When the Cold Ones come in close contact with us-"

I felt my eyes glaze over as he told the entire plot of Twilight, New Moon and Eclipse. I amused myself with some german dubbed Naruto. Heh heh. Mistranslations were funny.

"And that's why I'm running from Forks, because my one true love has dumped me."

I snickered and began to sing under my breath, 'Renesmee, Renesmee.'

"She's German." Max apologised. "Don't know what it means."

"But we're completely amazed by your appearance." said Fang in a flat voice. "We're perfectly normal people in a perfectly normal world with nothing wrong, except for Iggy's blindness."

I raised an eyebrow and slid off my chair.

"Do you have any food?" asked Jacob.

Max gestured towards the fridge, holding her head in her hands.

I went upstairs to get changed. Though I looked good in a bikini, Barry hunting wasn't easy in them.

I shut the door, reached around my neck and was just about to undo the top part when-

"Clare, I know we're really close, but I don't want to see that." Matt crawled out from under the bed.

I stifled a squeak.

"Was die Hölle?"

"Amelia sent me." he said. "It's about Hannah and her court martially thing."

I nodded.

"It's in three weeks, on Tuesday at quarter to two. American HQ. You'll have to…You know the rules already? Great."

I gave him a look.

"No, there's nothing else. Crossover Barries have arrived, but it's pretty much limited to Twilight."

I nodded and sat down in my beanbag chair.

"Everyone else is fine. There've been more broken bones – Annie smashed her kneecap two days ago."

"How?"

"Tripped over a rock. We've been keeping an eye on you guys, how LONG do you need to spend in a pool?"

"Es ist heiss."

"I noticed." Matt began to mess up his hair, a sign of stress.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"Just tired." he said. "We've been running cross country for days and well,"

"Snipers." I rolled my eyes. "You're all the same."

"Hey, your English is getting way better!"

**Yup. Ok. **

**Thanks for reading and reviewing. I'm going to bed.**

**-Nicola.**

**Word count: 1645**

**Next chapter up: No idea.**


	11. Drool Puddle

**To that person who reported and caused the removal of the Maximum Ride Fanfiction Awards, screw you! It took me ages to pick my nominees and to top it all off, I WAS NOMINATED! Thanks, Carino2! **

**Procrastination is an odd thing. It comes in many shapes and forms, from watching old Chasers War on Everything episodes from the 2007 election…turns out Kevin Rudd wins the election. Or reading my old Andy Griffiths Bum books. **

**Or Butt books, considering where you live.**

**So, here we go! **

**References are Howls Moving Castle, a large Twilight one, the Town Musicians of Bremen, The Chasers War On Everything season-two-I-think, the song 99 Luftbaloons, Pirates of Penzance and Percy Jackson.**

**DISCLAIMER: For this chapter and the last, I'm not James Patterson.**

**The Sue Slayers: Attack of the Clichés**

**Kapitel Elf**

**Drool Puddle**

I showered and changed into my now faded orange dress, and clattered downstairs to get some food. Jelly would be good.

Jacob was inhaling the contents of the fridge.

"Cracked pepper with your meal, Sir?" I asked him, grabbing an apple and taking a big bite. "Bleah!"

The apple had gone mushy and gross in the heat. I grabbed some biscuits instead and poured meself a cool, refreshing glass of milk.

"The weather report says a cool front is coming in." said Iggy. "Maybe even rain."

I sighed with relief and sat opposite him.

"Back in Deutschland it's never this hot."

I later found out it actually _did_ get as hot.

"Normally it isn't here, either. I mean, it's been in the hundreds for what, three weeks?"

"Four weeks. The hottest it ever got, I can just remember, because that was the day I crossed the border into Bremen, was about eighty degrees."

"Bremen? Isn't that where-"

"In Forks it ALWAYS RAINS!" Jacob proclaimed, jamming food into his mouth. I grimaced.

"Sie haben Nahrung auf Ihrem Kinn." I told him.

"What?"

"You have food on your chin." Iggy translated. "Right?"

"Gut Deutsch," I said.

He smiled.

_**IMMAGONNAJUSTINTERRUPTTHENARRATIVEHERE,OK?OK?OK.**_

_Meanwhile, in the Star Trek fandom… (dedicated to those who have actually seen an episode…)_

"_Oh Kirk."_

"_Oh Spock."_

"_Oh, Kirk."_

"_Oh, Spock."_

"_OH Kirk."_

"_OH Spock."_

"_OH, Kirk."_

"_OH, Spock."_

"_OH KIRK."_

"_OH SPOCK."_

"_OH, KIRK."_

"_OH, SPOCK."_

"_OH KIRK!"_

"_OH SPOCK!"_

"_ZOMG, KIRK!"_

"_ZOMG, SPOCK!"_

_**IMMAGONNAJUSTINTERRUPTTHENARRATIVEHERE,OK?OK?OK.**_

"OH, BELLA! WHY DID YOU CHOOSE HIM!" Jacob suddenly wailed.

Ugh. Angsty Jacob sucked. I hated it when he was OOC, but not as much as Rapist/Murderous Rage filled Jacob. I shuddered at the memory.

"WHY, Bella? WHY?" Jacob pounded his fist on the solid granite benchtop. It cracked slightly.

Nudge came running in from the pool, dripping water all over the carpet.

"Are you OK?" she asked.

Jacob looked at her.

"Seriously, because we can like, hear you from outside and it's seriously…"

Jacob looked at Nudge like he was seeing the sun for the first time.

I leant to my left and had a look in the lounge room. A Barry stood in the doorway, holding up a piece of card. It was torn and ripped, but I could just make out TWILIGHT MAXRIDE XOVA!......JacobXNudge.

I had one word to sum up the situation.

Fudge.

Nudge was babbling on about nail polish. Jacob was still staring.

"What is he doing?" Iggy asked.

I leant over to him.

"Just staring, like he's seeing an angel or God or Jesus or Satan or something."

"Like Fang does to Max?"

"Mmm-hmmm. Except Fang doesn't – ew. He's _drooling_."

Sure enough, a long string of drool extended from the corner of Jacobs mouth to the floor, where a puddle was forming.

Max came into the kitchen and only realised something was up when she slipped in the drool puddle.

I swatted at a bug buzzing round my ear.

"What's going on?" Max asked from her position on the floor.

Darcy and Gazzy came out of the Home Theatre room.

"Why are you on the floor?"

Angel and Fang ran downstairs.

Angel, seeing the scene around her, began to cackle evilly. Fang flung himself down by Max.

"MAX, my one true love!" he howled. "Are you alright?"

Darcy caught my eye and raised an eyebrow. What was with all the OOCness?

I wondered, as I swatted another bug, if there were OOC sprites flitting around. Darcy was so not ready for those annoying little bunnies.

"Nudge?" asked Jacob.

"MAX!"

"Bwa ha ha haaa!"

I covered my ears. This was beyond weird, even by this fics standards.

I heard a high-pitched whine by my ear and cupped my hands around the source of the noise. A sharp stabbing pain in my thumb gave me the clarification I needed: There were cliché sprites around and I had a dying one.

I subtly popped it into my mouth and chewed, but not before it bit my tongue and my mouth began to fill with blood. Yummy.

_**IMMAGONNAJUSTINTERRUPTTHENARRATIVEHERE,OK?OK?OK.**_

_Meanwhile, in the Spirited Away fandom… (dedicated to Studio Ghibli for being so readily available where I live. NOT!)_

_Chihirrow: lyk, ZOMG, I lyk, just remembarred mi advinjas ova river yonda! I lyk, 3 HAKOOO!_

_Hakooo: Sox, I not be 3'in u, I is going to mi arranged marriage now kthnxbye._

_Chihirrow: nooooooooooooooooooooooooo, lyk, ZOMG! Dat sux :((((((( D:_

_Hakooo: oopsiiee, I be 3'in u now! lets get marreeyd!_

_Chihirrow: y not ur a soopa hawt rivva dragin!_

_**IMMAGONNAJUSTINTERRUPTTHENARRATIVEHERE,OK?OK?OK.**_

Max got up and plopped herself down on the bench. Fang stood up and sat beside her, OOCness receding.

Jacob stopped drooling and eating. He still, however, continued to stare at Nudge.

"Jacob?" asked Max.

Nudge stopped prattling and finally noticed something was up.

Silence. I shifted uncomfortably and wondered how much blood my mouth could hold. My cheeks were beginning to puff out.

"I'm getting no thoughts." Angel said suddenly. "It _hurts _to read his mind."

Fang waved a hand in front of Jacobs face.

"What is going on?" asked Iggy.

"Clare, can you touch him?" Max asked.

I opened my mouth and blood gushed out onto my dress.

"Nein. I am NOT touching anyone."

I sipped some milk and took the napkins Gazzy gave me.

"Are you OK?"

I shrugged. "Bit my zunge."

Or rather, something bit it for me. I picked the chewed OOC sprite from between my teeth and flicked it under the table.

"Can someone please tell me what's going on?"

I spat some more blood into my glass. Jacob continued to stare at Nudge. We continued to stare at Jacob.

"Can someone please-"

"You know how I'm a werewolf?" said Jacob suddenly, his voice all husky.

"Nein scheiße, Sherlock." I spat more blood.

"Well, there's this thing we werewolves do called Imprinting."

"Imprinting?" everyone chorused.

"Kaninchen?" I asked, then wondered why I was talking about rabbits.

"Well, when we see…" Jacob paused.

I spat a little more blood into my glass.

"Nudge, I think I should tell you in private."

"No." said Max. "You're not going somewhere alone with him."

Fair enough. I opened another YouTube window and began to watch Sailor Moon.

"Basically, Imprinting is when-"

My eyes glazed over again.

Three episodes of Sailor Moon later, I heard Jacobs concluding statement.

"And I've imprinted on you, Nudge."

Thump.

"Nudge? Nudge!" cried Max.

She'd fainted.

"BELL – I MEAN NUDGE!" screamed Jacob, throwing himself down beside her.

I closed the laptop lid. Oh, this was exciting.

"Do we pour water on her?"

"Nudge?"

"Nudge?"

"NUUUUUUUDGE!"

That was Jacob. Obviously.

"Get away from my Nudge!" Jacob screamed, shaking and holding up his fists. The Flock backed away slowly.

Nudge, lying on the kitchen floor, stirred slightly.

"N-nail polish?" she moaned.

"NUUUUUUUDGE!"

_**IMMAGONNAJUSTINTERRUPTTHENARRATIVEHERE,OK?OK?OK.**_

_Meanwhile, in the Harry Potter fandom…(dedicated to Opal Roseblossom, because one of her fics was the first HP fanfic I read.)_

_Harry, Ron and Hermione walked across the Great Hall. Suddenly, the Golden Trio turned to face the fourth wall. Hermione pulled out her wand. Ron ogled her._

"_Bombarda!" Hermione cried._

_The wall shattered into a million, shiny pieces._

_Harry faced us, the readers. He sighed, running a hand through his scruffy hair (unlike in the fifth movie, where it's all gelled down. Ick)_

"_Lets face it." he said. "There are hundreds of thousands of Harry Potter fics, and hundreds of clichés."_

_Behind him, Fred and George began making out._

"_Oooh, Twincest!" twittered Hermione._

_Ron ogled her. _

_Harry stared as an owl randomly swooped over and dropped a letter into Hermiones cleavage. Ron almost fainted with delight. Hermione ripped the letter open and squealed._

"_ZOMG!" she cried, jumping up and down, much to Rons ecstasy. "I'm adopted and my birth father is Lord Voldemort! I think I'll go GOFFICK! Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way, wait for me!"_

"_VOLDEMORT IS YOUR FATHER? WTF?" asked the entire Canonverse. "How on Earth did that happen?"_

_Everyone began asking questions at once. _

"_SHUT UP!" Hermione yelled. "One at a time! Jeez, I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition!"_

_The Great Hall doors burst open, knocking the Golden Trio halfway to Hogsmede in the process. A group of middle aged men in scarlet robes stepped through._

"_NO ONE EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!"_

_**IMMAGONNAJUSTINTERRUPTTHENARRATIVEHERE,OK?OK?OK.**_

Darcy was looking a little afraid. I raised my eyebrows at him and he jerked his head towards the front door.

I took a nibble on a bikkie and leaned over.

Another Barry hovered on the porch, holding up a very simple card:

**HPxMR Xover wat happens wen the flok goes 2 hogwarts???**

Everyone stood up. Jacob vanished.

"Max."

I blinked.

"Yes, sweetie?"

"I really, really think we should go to England."

"Ich auch." I said, then shook myself.

"Yeah, we should go to England and try to find our families." Iggy said. "And-"

"Lenken Sie sie ab!" someone outside hissed.

"What was that, Clare?"

I peered outside at the Barry again. A guy in the Slayer uniform with the German colours was on the porch, shooing the Barry off.

I blinked.

"Errr, gehen wir nach England?" I asked.

"Yes." said Max, grabbing a jacket. "We are going now."

"Eine minuten, one minute!" I said. "Erm, Hast Du etwas Zeit für mich, dann singe ich ein lied fuer Dich von neunundneunzig Luftballons?"

I could see the guy on the porch laughing his head off. I kept babbling on with whatever I could think of in German.

"Ich bin eine Tochter von Athene!" I said.

"What are you SAYING?" Nudge asked.

"Ich bin das Modell eines modernen Generalmajors." I shrugged, as the Barry was taken away.

Max put her jacket back down.

"How about lunch, everyone?"

I went upstairs to change my dress…Jacob would've eaten all the food anyway.

I pulled on a different dress, this one yellow and lacy, and threw the orange one in a bucket of water to soak.

"Clare, is Jacob up here with you?" asked Nudge.

I blinked and turned around. Nudge was standing in the doorway.

"He just gave me an engagement ring and left!"

I blinked again.

"Engagement rrrung?"

"Ring."

"Oh. Where do you think he has go?"

"Gone."

"Oh."

"I don't know, but he seemed to like you so I thought…"

We'd said a grand total of fifteen words to each other, not including the Phasing debacle.

"NUDGE!" yelled Jacob, running upstairs.

"Found him." I said.

"JACOB!" screamed Nudge. She flung her arms around his waist – the highest she could reach.

I blinked again.

"Get a room, guys." I told them.

They shuffled off and I closed the door, pulling my weapons out.

Six magazines of capsules left. Fifteen sixes was…I pulled a calculator out of thin air. Ninety. Two knives and a rather ripped piece of paper with different clichés written on it.

I found a different piece of paper, and a sparkly pink pen I was rather fond of. I put pen to paper and drew a simple symbol with a flourish. The symbol was two interlocking S's, with a 'M' in the middle. I wrote something in German underneath, blew on the ink quickly to dry it and folded it into an airplane, flying it out the window.

'_Weder halten Regen noch Schneeregen noch Mary Sue einen Slayer von ihren Aufgaben – Neither rain nor sleet nor Mary Sue shall keep a Slayer from their duties.'_ Was what I'd written. _'P.S. What the hell is going on?????'_

Despite the fact that Mary Sues were part of our duties. I smiled to myself as I lay down on my bed feeling rather like the Mona Lisa.

It had been a long, confusing few hours since I'd gotten out of the pool. I checked the clock…yes, four very confusing hours.

**So, did everyone like the little snapshots of what's going on in the other fandoms? There will be more next chapter, but I want y'all to write your own! Seriously, PM them to me and I'll put them in. Any fandom, as random as you want, but I'd prefer it if they dealed with OOCness, Clichés, Fangirls or Sues. **

**GO NUTS!**

**I have so much happening in November! I'm getting an Art award, going to our school film premieres, speaking at said premiere, seeing Andre Rieu in concert on the fifteenth, my mums birthday, three friends birthdays, including BlindColours, and School Captain speeches. And maths and German exams. And Year Eight Graduation…or is that December?**

**Woah.**

**Sorry this chapter was a bit late, and I hope everyone had a good All Hallows Eve, even if I spent it at home eating ANZAC biscuits.**

**Have a good Melbourne Cup weekend, everyone! Wooo big weird hats!**

**Word count: 2258**

**Next chapter up: Soon. Ish. **


	12. The Old Man From Scene 24

**CONGRATS ON YOUR NEW PRESIDENT ELECT, AMERICA!**

**CONGRATS ON YOUR NEW PRIME MINISTER AND GOVERNMENT, NEW ZEALAND!**

**HAPPY REMEMBERANCE DAY, AUSTRALIA! LEST WE FORGET!**

**CONGRATS ON YOUR NOMINATION FOR ARTS CAPTAIN, NICOLA!**

**References are the original Sue Slayers, Kath and Kim (The GOOD, Australian version), Legally Blonde and Monty Python.**

**Sorry this took so long to get out!**

**Thanks to Falling Stardust and MoonStarWithWings for their snapshots.**

**But to business:**

**Carino2 has convinced me. THERE WILL BE A SEQUEL TO THIS!**

**Clare will most likely be protag, and it'll deal with (or should I say, battle?) the innumerable clichés, OOCness and my personal favourite, the All Human fics. **

**There will be much butt kicking. And just for everyone to get an idea of it, here's a scene from my first scrawlings. Guess what fandom it is XD.**

Clare POV

Our first problem was the window. Two storeys or about five metres above the ground.

I slapped Matt on the shoulder and elbowed Darcy.

"I told you to bring the grappling hook, Matt!" I hissed.

"I did." he whispered. "You forgot the rope, idiot."

I examined my nails in the moonlight. "Darcy?"

"We could go up the tree, Kapitän."

I nodded. Matt did too.

"We'll give you a boost." he said, lacing his fingers together. "I'm not going into a room with OOC Edward."

And they say chivalry is dead.

I clambered up the tree, slipping on the copious moss and cursing Teh Auffer, as we called her. I didn't think it was possible for moss to be twelve centimeters thick.

Then again, it was Twilight.

Sparkly vampires, anyone?

**DISCLAIMER: Not Jimmy Patt – did you know he was on the Simpsons? Well, I didn't.**

**The Sue Slayers: Attack of the Clichés**

**Chapter 12**

**The Old Man From Scene 24**

_**RANDOMPAGEBREAKTHATMAKESNOSENSEGOESHERE**_!

_**Sweenett Makes Less Sense Than The OC and The Hills PUT TOGETHER also by Falling Stardust**_

Sweeney threw aside the razor and swept Nellie against the wall. "I never

loved Lucy," he breathed. "You were alwayds the only one in my heart."

"I love yeh too, Mr. T." Mrs Lovett breathed before she was cut off by a

kiss that was both loving and violent or some such crap.

Then the minutely described lemon scene began.

_**RANDOMPAGEBREAKTHATMAKESNOSENSEGOESHERE!**_

I was lying on my bed two hours later, listening to an iPod I'd…borrowed (nicked) from Iggy and wondering how he could like the Killers so much when Nudge walked in.

Not that I was complaining about the Killers. I quite liked the Killers. He could've had bootylicious Beyonce or raunchy Rhianna and I would've been worried.

"Clare?" asked Nudge.

Following the rules of iPod etiquette, I yanked out a headphone and looked at her.

"Doesn't look a thing like Jeee-zus…" I half sang. "Yes, you can talk to me about anything."

Nudge sat beside me.

"Normally I'd ask Max, but she's acting really weird."

Downstairs, I could just hear the sweet sounds of Flock Karaoke. Shake shake, shake shake, uh shake it.

Damn Sprites.

"So…"

"I think Jacob likes me." said Nudge.

Well, no sher, shitlock. Heh heh. Spoonerisms fare unny.

"So I wrote this letter to him. Could you like, proofread it for me?"

Nudge had sprayed it liberally with Ella's aerosol deodorant. Wunderbar. I just loved the scent of 'Super Sexii Lillies.'

I took it and began to read.

"_**DaER Jakob, I ily u. I rillyrilly lick u I lik u a lort. liyk, heeps. tornes. moren I lik nayl polish an d I 3 nayel pollush TOOONES."**_

It went on like that for twelve pages.

"Why don't you leave me to read this." I said. "Go downstairs and sing, kay?"

"Yup."

I rolled onto my stomach and concentrated on a sentence that would make Twila weep bitter, bloody emo tears. And slit her wrists.

I reached page three twenty minutes later, nearly in tears. The English language would never recover from THIS. It was worse than those epitome of randomness Sue Slayer fics. I'd go INSANE correcting this letter.

Well, more insane. You know.

One thing I had to give Nudge – she was creative. She'd come up with a dozen different misspellings for one word.

"_**I rlli rlleay loik yu. our zellwegger brayve."**_

I blinked and sounded it out.

"I really, really like you. You're…" Zellwegger…as in Renee Zel-Ohh. "really brave."

I said the line again, like a character off Neighbours or the Bold and the Beautiful.

"You like me?" asked someone.

Oh, Scheisse.

I glanced up to see Iggy standing in the doorway, holding a sharp, shiny razor.

"Uhh, um….I…Robot?"

"You like me in That way?"

If I was smart, I'd say I'd been practicing my English. But I'm a blonde, and well…not smart. A blonde without the bending and snapping.

"I kinda like you, Clare." said Iggy, sitting beside me. "Hey, is this my iPod?"

"No?....no." I was kind of distracted by the portal that had just appeared in the corner of my room.

"I was practicing my English." I blurted out.

Iggy burst into tears. Awww.

"I do like you, sort of!" I said. "I'm just…" I wasn't Hannah.

"I am going to sleep now!" I announced.

"But it's, like six!"

"Guten Abend, Iggy."

He left the room grumbling and slammed the door shut.

I was sure I heard him say 'Fang says, go cop a feel-'

I pushed a chair in front of the door and turned to face the portal.

"Was?"

"Go easy on him, C." Amelia popped her head through the portal. "Iggy's kind of cute…not like, Light cute, but still – oh, anyway. There's a big thing happening."

"And what is this Thing?" I asked.

Amelia gave me a weird look. "You and Alex have to get out of the house, right now."

"Now? Who's Alex?"

"Darcy. You have to get out, now."

My reaction: **:O**

"Plot hole?" I asked.

"Code Seven." Amelia nodded, and pulled her head back, closing the portal.

I flung the chair away and sprinted downstairs, running into the kitchen. Darcy would've been eating peanuts around that time, but no.

There was just Jacob, sitting on the floor staring at a chair.

"Have you seen Darcy?" I asked him, jumping up and down.

Jacob swallowed a mouthful of something.

"Nope." he said. With that, he lurched forward and grabbed the chair, taking a massive bite out of the seat.

My reaction? (**: O**

Out of the corner of my eye, I could see a flash of silver, like when a bulb blows. I had one word to describe the situation: Shit shit shit shitshitshitshit shit shit SHIT!

Darcy wandered in, munching on some peanuts and did a double take at Jacob. There were little splinters poking out of his mouth.

"'s crunchy." Jacob said around another bite of chair.

"Cover your eyes." I said, grabbing Darcy around the arm and pushing him through the kitchen window.

_**IWANTMYJOHNMARSDENBOOK!IWANTTHEELLIECHRONICLESANDIWANTTHEM NOOOOOOOOW!**_

_Meanwhile, in the Twilight fandom…_

_The Volturi: Uncut by MoonStarWithWings_

"But Marcus!! No!" Aro screeched, sending his long-time partner a

pleading look.

Marcus just turned away from him, hauling his bag with him.

"You can't go," Aro moaned, grabbing Marcus' long, trailing cloak.

"I have to," Marcus whispered, his voice harsh from centuries of disuse.

"They said the position was live in."

"Think what this will do to Caius!" Aro cried, motioning towards the

vampire curled up on the stone floor, banging his head against the wall.

A crack appeared, and Aro dodged as part of the wall fell near him.

"It's my dream, Aro." Marcus said. "I have to go."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Caius cried, punching the wall with his fist. Another stone fell, narrowly missing Aro, yet again.

"How can learn how to make the perfect vampire Barbie if I don't do

this?" Marcus asked sadly.

Caius let out a guttural cry and ran at Marcus. Aro ran to him and pushed him away, but Caius was stronger.

He hugged Marcus tightly, but Marcus simply pushed him away. The wall groaned as the vampire collided with it, and the tower began to sway, more and more rocks began falling down.

"It's going to go!" Aro shrieked, trying and failing to pull Caius out

of the door.

"No. If I can't have him, no-one can." he said stubbornly, pushing

Marcus onto the floor as the castle collapsed around them.

_**IWANTMYJOHNMARSDENBOOK!IWANTTHEELLIECHRONICLESANDIWANTTHEM NOOOOOOOOW!**_

I jumped out after Darcy, landed on his foot – oops – and yanked him up.

"Run, run!" I half yelled at him. He sped off towards the woods.

I turned around to see the Flock and Jacob staring at us through the lounge room windows. Fang was relaying what was happening to Iggy.

I waved and showed them the Peace sign. Nudge sort of waved, in a daze.

I heel-face-turned and sprinted the hundred metres to the woods.

Matt, Beth and Amelia were sitting with Darcy a few trees in.

"Nice moment with Iggles?" asked Matt as I approached.

I punched him in the face, panting hard.

"Why a Seven? Why did you release it?"

"This is IMPORTANT!" said Beth. "We had to release it, the sooner the better."

"Warum?" I asked.

"Because we know why the fandom is so crap." said Amelia.

"My fandom, I'll explain." Beth interrupted.

"The fandom…" she began, pausing for dramatic effect.

"Is because…oh, it's so obvious!"

I tapped my foot.

"Obvious how?"

"It's because…"

"GET ON WITH IT!" yelled Matt, rubbing his nose. "Before she hits me again."

"Because the creator of this fandom is JAMES PATTERSON!" crowed Beth.

Darcy and I blinked.

My reaction? …

_**RANDOMPAGEBREAKTHATMAKESNOSENSEGOESHERE!**_

Why can't the Fellowship go to France? by Falling Stardust

Frido: OMGZ!1!one!!11 LETZ GO 2 CANiDA!

Leggy-kinz: YEH!!1!!

ArgoRN: ILL DRVE THE VAN!1!

*The Fellowship and Arwen and Eowyn all pile into the van that by all rights

shouldn't even exist*

GImLI: Guyz! Pipn's anoyin mE!1!!1

EoWn: Pipn, stp it!11!!121!!

_**RANDOMPAGEBREAKTHATMAKESNOSENSEGOESHERE**_

**It hit 27 degrees today, and it's barely mid November. James Patterson was right in The Final Warning.**

**God, it's hot.**

**This chapter is un-beta'd. and I'm half asleep.**

**I did my book presentation on Maximum Ride yesterday, too. Pretty much crashed and burned by my stards. Well, that's what I thought. I got an A plus. Same with my Lucrezia Borgia (Slut-of-the-Renaissance) monologue too.**

**I think someone up there likes me.**

**Yeah, wooo! Death Note RAWKS!**

**Thanks for reading,**

**Nicola.**

**Word count: 1746. Ugh, so short.**

**Next Chapter Up: Dunno. Soon-ish. I still want more snapshots, y'all!**


	13. Fooken Barlay?

**References are Avatar, Twilight, na na na na na na na na na naaa Batman, Australia-the-movie-not-the-country and The Wayside School series by Louis Sachar.**

**Oh, it's been a while. I wanted to get a longisher chapter out. It's a serious plot mover, though. Thanks for waiting patiently!**

**DISCLAIMER: If I was James Patterson, I would be rather worried.**

**The Sue Slayers: Attack of the Clichés**

**Chapter Thirteen**

**Fooken Bar-lay?**

I shook my head, trying to get rid of the ringing in my ears.

"James Patterson?" asked Darcy.

Beth and Matt nodded. Amelia rolled her eyes. I drifted off into my own little dream world.

"James Patterson?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"We aren't sure."

"Any ideas?"

"He's so prolific, he's the king of published plot holes."

"Anything else?"

"No."

"You sure?"

"Oh for Christs sake, Darcy!" I yelled, my daydreams of milkshake swimming pools interrupted. "They d-don't know!"

"Why is she talking in-"

"LINGER!" I yelled.

"Matt, do you think it's PTS-" began Amelia. She shook her head again and grabbed Matt's arm, pulling him behind a few trees. I heard them talking quietly.

I leant against another tree, my head suddenly pounding.

"Are you ready to go to Australia?" Amelia asked a few minutes later.

"The movie?" I asked.

Amelia grinned and opened a portal.

"Maybe later." she said. "I have to talk to Gracie and you have to talk into sense into Hannah."

"Why me?"

"Because everyone else has already tried."

_**CLAREISONEANGRYCHICK,RIGHT?IKNOW!SHEISSOOOOMAD**_

My conversation with Hannah didn't exactly go well. I tried to reason with her, but she was just too stubborn. And had had a little too much coffee.

"Don't you see what the Slayers make us into?" she cried. "They mess our heads up so badly we can't, like…function!"

I stayed where I was, on my bed, fists clenched and breathing hard. Red spots were dancing in my vision and were getting seriously annoying.

"Hannah! Seriously." I growled. "Amelia told me to talk some sense into you and, well-"

"They make you into a fighting machine and you don't have a say because you're so young! AND just because I like some guy they're well-"

"You DESERVE IT!" I yelled, sitting up. "Darcy, get out of here. Now."

Darcy looked at me, at Hannah. He backed out the door and closed it behind him.

"I don't believe YOU! You did the exact. Same. Thing."

In one quick movement, I slipped my knife out of my sleeve and pointed it at her.

"Say that again and mean it." I hissed. "How is flirting with a blind guy whilst written in the EXACT same thing?"

Hannah crossed her arms, glaring.

"Answer me, you stupid girl! You should never have been a Slayer if you talk like that! It's so different!"

I flung the knife at the space beside her head. It embedded itself in the door. I had missed. Damn.

"See? They turn you into a crazy ninja!"

Ok, maybe she had a point. Still…

"I could've not listened to Amelia, right? I could defend you, Hannah Eva Lynch, but I'd only defend a true friend. How dare you?"

The ringing in my ears came back, louder and more high-pitched. I pulled out my gun.

"How dare I what?" Hannah tried to wrench the knife from the door and epic failed.

"Six billion people in this world!" I yelled. "THREE BILLION guys and THREE BILLION girls-" If you're that way inclined. "And YOU had to pick Artemis FUCKING Fowl, who isn't even in this world! For the Count of Monte-"

"My God, you're so-"

The door flung open and Grace strode in, Darcy at her heels.

"That is enough, Senior Captain, Hannah."

Wait, what?

"Get out of my room."

Hannah left without another word. I lay down on the bed, shivering.

"Älterer Kapitän?" I asked. The German was coming back to me now I wasn't blinded with the white-hot rage of a thousand burning suns.

"Hannah isn't a Slayer any more."

My reaction? :o

_**CLAREISONEANGRYCHICK,RIGHT?IKNOW!SHEISSOOOOMAD**_

_Meanwhile, in the Percy Jackson fandom…_

_ANGST! ANGST! by BlueWingedKitty_

_All was silent in Camp Half-Blood. Not a cloud covered the sky, and the stars shone like droplets of spit from a divine sneeze._

_All the cabins were asleep. That is, except for the Athena Cabin, where a certain girl was tossing and turning and seriously ticking off her roomates._

_"Give it a rest, Annabeth," Mariejaneelizabethsarah groaned._

_"I can't sleep," Annabeth moaned. "I am suffering from teenage angst. Percy...Percy...Per--"_

_"Shut UP!"_

_"Angst, angst, ANGST ANGST __**ANGST**__!" Annabeth screeched. "PERCY PERCY P--"_

_"We GET IT, Annabeth, now shut the FREAK up and sleep."_

_The cabin was silent once more. Until a giggle interrupted the sweet quiet._

_"What the {censored}?!" bellowed Heatherkarencynthitayaylor._

_"My...pillow...smells...funny..." Annabeth gasped out between un-ladylike snorts of mirth._

_"Oh {censored}," Heatherkarencynthiayaylor repeated. "Just take mine."_

_"No. It smells...funny!"_

_"Like what?" Mariejaneelizabethsarah muttered. This question was greeted with more groans and swearing._

_"Like...a drunk raccoon. I love raccoons. They are furry, and pretty, and, and, and PERCY! ANGST!"_

_There was a pause._

_"Anyone have duct tape?"_

_"We could just kick her out," Heatherkarencynthitayaylor suggested darkly._

_A small scuffle ensued. A few minutes later, all was still once more._

_**CLAREISONEANGRYCHICK,RIGHT?IKNOW!SHEISSOOOOMAD**_

Grace took me to her office and sat me down with a mug of calming Jasmine tea.

I took a sip and grimaced. Gross.

"I know you're angry Clare."

I muttered something in German that really shouldn't be in a fanfic for young people.

"Real angry. But I have excellent news, and you're the second person who I've told."

I took another sip of Jasmine tea. Still gross. I glanced around the room.

"Was ist es?" I asked.

"We need to get you an English tutor." Grace made a note on a piece of paper. "But this is awesome. I'm nineteen next Thursday."

Note to self: Buy cake.

"Grace, no!" I cried.

"I'm going to uni and everything. Lit major, obviously."

Nineteen is the oldest a fulltime, live in Slayer can be. After that, you're gone. Otherwise, you end up with people spending their entire lives sitting in front of a computer reading fanfics…

Oh God, that would be Heaven.

"And I picked Amelia, that's who I've told, she's going to be the new Commander – drink your tea and I'll give you one of those big things of Toblerone – and I've picked you to be the new Slayers Captain."

I choked on my mouthful of goo.

"How can you like this stuff?"

Grace gave me a weird look and shoved a box of lollies along towards me, through the junk on her desk.

"Oh, right. Holy shit, Grace! What do you mean? Elliot and Josh and Kelly and Alyssa all outrank me by hundreds!"  
"Yeah, I know. They're fantastic field Slayers. You're not quite as awesome."

Awww, shucks. She was just giving me warm fuzzy feelings left, right and centre. Coupled with the ringing and the spots, it wasn't pleasant. In fact, I felt like I was getting the flu.

"You're good as a leader, and this way you'll be able to give yourself good, point bumping missions."

I sighed, put the tea down. "Grace…"

She frowned. "What? You won't do it?"

"Of course I'll do it!" I suddenly screamed. "Thank you so much!" I jumped up and down and did a little random pirouette, stumbling.

"You're more bipolar than Edward Cullen. Can you, like, sit down?"

I sat down, grinning like the Joker had put me under the knife.

"You'll start on Friday, obviously." Grace pushed a…wait, _the_ captaincy badge across the table. "Hannah's trial is on Wednesday. That's what else I wanted to talk about."

_**CLAREISONEANGRYCHICK,RIGHT?IKNOW!SHEISSOOOOMAD**_

_Meanwhile, in the Billy Elliot fandom… (dedicated to Sally In Need Of Kasey for putting up with my derangedness at school)_

_NOTE: This must be read out loud with a horrid cockney accent. Otherwise, your computer will eat your fingers. I am so awesome at programming._

"_Hullo!" (Hello)_

"_Fooken bar-lay?" (Fucking ballet?)_

"_I'm gay, Dud!" (I am a homosexual man, father!)_

"_Fooken bar-lay?" (Fucking ballet?)_

"_I'm gay, even though I only exhibit one sign of homosexuality throughout the film! Naught! Wuts wrong wiv barlay?"(I am homosexual, even though I only exhibit one sign of homosexuality, the kiss on my friends cheek, throughout the entire film. Now, what is the matter with ballet dancing?)_

"_Fooken bar-lay?" (I think we all know what this means by now.)_

"_Well, wuts wrong wiv it, it bein' bar-lay?" (Can you please give me a reason for ballet to be wrong for a young boy? It's not like I'm working at the Vatican or with Michael Jackson!)_

"_Fooken barlay?" (******* ******?)_

"_Yea." (Yes. Of course.)_

"_Fooken bar-lay?" (He needs to expand his vocabulary.)_

"_Dud, why ure ya still sayin' thut? I've bin at the Royil Barlay Schul fur yars!" (Dad, why are you saying that over and over again? I have been attending the Royal Ballet School for a number of years.)_

"_Fooken bar-lay?" (*sigh.*)_

"_Yus, Dud. Fooken bar-lay." (Yes, Dad, fucking Ballet.)_

_**CLAREISONEANGRYCHICK,RIGHT?IKNOW!SHEISSOOOOMAD**_

Well, talk about a downer.

"You're one of five other character witnesses. There's Annie in the U.S., Elliot, Amelia and Molly. They've already been talked to."

"How does a court martial work?" I asked.

"Clare. You've been to about seven. You've been part of-"

I gestured at the fourth wall. A couple of bored kids waved from behind it, confused.

"Oh, yeah. Basically it's like Law and Order with good acting. The Commanders of America, Australia, England and if they're bothered to turn up, New Zealand and Canada. The judge, one of the persons seniors, asks about the Event in question, then the witnesses do their thing, then the Commanders go off and make their decision."

I sipped more tea. It wasn't bad now that I'd tipped it out under my chair and filled the mug with an assortment of lollies from Graces' desk. She didn't notice until my third mouthful of M&Ms.

"That ain't good for you." said Grace.

"Whatevs, dude. Lyk, who carez?" I asked flippantly, tossing my hair.

"No more sugar for you." Grace took the mug.

"Anything else?" I asked, trying not to shake from the sugar in my system.

"I checked and you've reached waaaay over six hundred hours in Canonverses. Just in Max Ride it was 840 hours."

I rolled my eyes.

"And then there was your little jaunt in the Sailor-Verse before, six days equals 160 hours. You've got to go home for a few days, Clare. Are you seeing like, spots?"

"No." I lied. "Just a little dizzy. But I am gonna go home, I don't want to start seizing."

"Again. We don't want that again."

"Grace." I said. "One more thing. Beth said it's James Patterson fault that there are so many Barries and things wrong with the Max Ride fandom. Why?"

Grace sighed. "James Patterson is a publisher whore."

Uh huh.

"He justs puts so many books out that so many people read. He doesn't go over them when he write sequels, otherwise we wouldn't have so many problems."

I nodded and put my hand on the doorhandle.

"And the books are so popular with the masses. If Max Ride had a cult following, it'd be all good. But it's ended up like a mini Twilight."

"Don't start THAT debate again."

_**CLAREISONEANGRYCHICK,RIGHT?IKNOW!SHEISSOOOOMAD**_

_What's Wrong With Twilight? In A Paragraph…by Peppermint49_

_"OMG!!" Bella SquEaled. "StraWBerri liP Glos! By sUm fer MeH Jaykob!"_

_"wateV," Jaekob sed xcitedlY._

_"Ur ma BFF Jacub!" Bela sqeekEd, giviN h1m a rlly rlly grlY grlee guRl hug._

_"OH EM GEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Bellaa Yelld. "3 Sparlky gel PEns 1n thre diff_

_shaydes of pink! Nd a laVnDa nayl pohlisH! ZOMG! a PlanE!"_

_Fur SuM radnoM RaesOn a PlAyne flY over theRe Heds nd kIdnappd Behlla._

_Nd ThAy Al Livd Hapili Evah Afta. Xcept 4 belaa coz sHe jumd ofF da PlaNe wifout a PAraSh0ot._

_JaKob tHortt 'wat teh hEll bels 2 mucH truble' nd moVd 2 filadelfia._

_EdWrd woz 2 bisy hvin 1 sluMba parteE wiF jssicah staNlee._

_Alice woz 2 bisy playin her new PSP nd all tha resT of da CullEns wher on MsN tRyIn 2 stalK ppl._

_**CLAREISONEANGRYCHICK,RIGHT?IKNOW!SHEISSOOOOMAD**_

"Go suck a turnip!" I heard Hannah yell at someone.

"Well, go stuff a turkey!"

"Rub a monkey's tummy with your head!" another person yelled. "We have writers block up the-"

"See you on Tuesday, Nic, Kelly." I said, walking by.

I hefted my bag onto my back and climbed the ladder onto a small platform.

"Fingerprint." said the cool female voice every security system in the world has.

I jabbed my finger onto the little screen.

"Clare Susan Martin, ID confirmed. Please stand by."

A few seconds later, the platform lifted up and pushed me into a familiar clump of red sticks, the exit closest to Flinders Street station. I found my way out of the sculpture and went up the stairs to Federation Square.

It was empty except for the junkies, the time being a little past two am.

I sighed and headed for McDonalds. A little sustenance for the loooong ride home.

**About the Vatican and Michael Jackson comments, I have one thing to say:**

**Oh yes. I DID go there. BRING IT, FLAMERS!**

**Thanks for reading! Holidays super soon!**

**Snapshots would be appreciated, but NO MORE TWILIGHT ones, PLEASE! Harry Potter and some animes would be great. Artemis Fowl, too. Original Slayers fans, I'm looking at you…**

**-Nicola.**

**Word count: 2245**

**Next chapter up: …about that….XD**


	14. Tin Trapezium For Bravery In A Fandom

**I have no excuses for the lateness of this chapter. BUUUUT**

**The holidays have just started. I got top of year eight on the awards afternoon, rediscovered the wonders of Top Gear (LOVE that show) and went to see an advance screening of Twilight.**

**I loved the cinematography, the music, the effects could've used some work, Rosalie wasn't very nice AAAAAAAND did anyone notice Edward sounded like he was in the Godfather? He talked so strangely…like he had a Russian or Italian accent. Not that I'm complaining. The guy playing Jasper did a good job too, but what was with his hair? **

**SERIOUSLY. **

**Discuss.**

**In other news, I want a Toyota Hilux! **

**And in other other news, 'Stories That Need More Recognition' is BACK!**

**And in other other other news, I made a tiny edit to chapter five. See if you can spot it.**

**Referenzen sind that terrible movie, Like Mike, Braveheart, The Truth About Forever by Sarah Dessen, Scrubs season one, A Series of Unfortunate Events and Juno.**

**DISCLAIMER: I WOULD NOT HAVE CREATED THAT STUPID MAXIMUM X SITE IF I WAS JIMMY PAT. **

**The Sue Slayers: Attack of the Clichés**

**Kapitel Vierzehn**

**Tin Trapezium For Bravery In A Fandom In The Face Of Fangirl Related Almost Certain Death.**

I don't like sardines. Yet, I pity them. I pity them a lot. Epic pity for the sardines, that's my new motto.

If you've ever been on the 7.45 AM train to Flinders Street Station, you'll know why. I was clinging to a pole as to not get trampled under foot. Damn me and my height challenged stature. I glanced around the train at all the commuters and tourists (mostly from Asia, but three French people and a Spaniard), feeling worn out and slightly hungry.

My stomach rumbled.

Ok, really hungry.

The train shuddered to a stop and I elbowed my way out of the train to…

"FREEEEEEEEEEEEEDOM!"

"Miss, could you keep it down, please?"

I nodded at the conductor, smiled, tottered away in my heels and well…jumped the turnstile.

"Are the other Commanders here?" I asked Grace, tottering into her office.

She didn't look up from her fluffy notepad.

"Yup." she said. "Go to your bedroom, everyone is in lockdown."

"Wunderbar." I said, clapping my hands. "Und Hannah?"

"_Everyone _is in their rooms, Clare-o-saurus."

"Are you dismissing me?" I asked.

A fluffy notebook hit me in the nose.

Right. A dismissal.

I tottered my way down to my room, unlocked the door and fell onto the bed, spots dancing in my vision.

"Neunundneunzig luftbaloons." I sang.

"GOTCHA!" yelled Matt, jumping out from my bathroom.

"GAAAAH!" I screamed, throwing a gun in his direction.

He caught it.

Damn him!

"You need more conditioner." he told me.

"How long have you been in there?"

"Three hours. I misjudged the time difference."

Slayers aren't good at maths. Not going to school does that. You know. Unless you're incredibly smart.

"Are you ready to bring the Rule Two-er down?" he asked, lying next to me.

"She's not just a Two-er." I said.

"I've met her once." said Matt. "It was after she ruined Artemis's universe. You know, when I shot her? Oh. Cool."

"Believe you me, I know. Oh, the swearing. She even cursed you."

"Mmm?"

"Don't have kids. Just don't."

"Mmm?"

I glanced over. "Hey, that's my gum!"

"Mmmm."

I grabbed the Hubba Bubba and shoved it under my bed.

"Are you like, talking today?" I asked.

"Mmmm."

"You know, that's getting annoying."

"Mmm?"

"Really, really annoying."

"Mmm."

I grabbed him by the tie. "So incredibly annoying."

"I'll stop."

"Gut jungen."

"Yeah, I'm the swearing in person. And I get to call witnesses. Which includes this really weird chic, she's nuts and-"

I hit him.

"Watch the hair, would'ya? Hey, can I try on your shoes? I bet I could walk better than you can."

_**OHSUSANNAHDONTCHUCRYFERMEEEICOMEFROMALABAMAWIVABANJOONMAHKNEEEEEE**_

_Note: I can appreciate the work it took to get so many typos, but I've never read or seen Fruits Basket. Enjoy, those who know what it is!_

_Title: kyoxtoru by Sheva Das_

_Summary: KYO x TORUU 4ever! rnr plz summary sucks story good_

_thoru was wlking in teh graden and then she saw keyo he came upp 2 her and_

_sed 'i 3 u_

_she sez i luv u too_

_yuki sid 'i lov tohru more thn u'_

_kyo saz no u don't_

_yuki pnuched kyo kyo kicked yuki they fot_

_ten kyo beet yuki! yuki was grr kyo was yaay!!1!!11!!_

_and toru broak te zodiac curs (i dn't no how she did it mayk it up k)_

_and tuhro mrried kiyo and yuki mrried the gurl from studant concil (sry i_

_frget her name) and uochan found the guyfrm de mini market and thy alllivd_

_hapliy evr aftr_

_xcpt 4 hanajima b/c she wore 2 mch blcak colthes and she deid cuz she wroe to_

_muc balck and b/c she sant out dnpar wavs._

_and moomo waz re-u-nited w/momiji_

_+they plyed voilin 2geter_

_**OHSUSANNAHDONTCHUCRYFERMEEEICOMEFROMALABAMAWIVABANJOONMAHKNEEEEEE**_

By the time Matt had gotten into my shoes, and by the time I'd strapped his sprained ankle and given him a lolly (big baby) we were called to court.

I was hurrying down the corridor, holding my cap on with one hand, shoving my feet into my slightly bloody shoes and clipping a few choice medals onto my lapel with the other hand.

Yay for multitasking.

The Briefing Room had magically expanded in width and length, and there were rows of chairs and desks. At the front there was the projector screen and three long tables. One for the Commanders, one for the witnesses and one for…

"Tasmanian." Hannah greeted me, waltzing past and sitting in the Accused chair.

I clipped my last medal on (the Tin Trapezium For Bravery In A Fandom In The Face Of Fangirl Related Almost Certain Death. As opposed to the Tin Triangle For Bravery In A Fandom In The Face Of Sue Related Almost Certain Death. Or the Tin Tetragon For Bravery In A Fandom In The Face Of Out Of Character Related Almost Certain Death.)

I looked at the long parenthesis and rolled my eyes.

Matt shoved me through the door, his own Tin Trapezium For Bravery In A Fandom In The Face Of Fangirl Related Almost Certain Death clinking against the metal of his other twenty medals. Show off.

I brushed my ten medals self-consciously.

"Lemme show you to your seat, Junior Captain." said Matt, in his Important Person voice.

"You know, I'm a Senior Captain now?" I asked him. "I'm taking over the Slayers for Grace."

He pulled out a chair for me.

"Congratulations." Matt said. "Accidentally bilingual and accidentally Senior Captain in one day."

He clapped me on the shoulder. I elbowed him in the stomach.

"Take it back, Sniper Boy."

"Shall I give you a medal, make you feel better?"

Oh, he was going down.

The two other Commanders came in, Hayley of the States and Marcus of the Poms.

"Where are the other witnesses?" Marcus asked.

I shrugged and laid my head down on my arms. The ringing in my ears was back.

"Does anyone else hear that ringing?" Hayley asked.

Grace sort of tilted her head to one side.

"That isn't ringing." said Marcus.

I groaned, realising. "I told her not to make a fuss."

"I DON'T WANT TO TESTIFY!" yelled Molly at the top of her lungs.

Amelia had her slung over her shoulder.

"YOU HAVE TO TESTIFY!" Amelia yelled back.

"NO!"

I sighed. Molly was one of the best Canonists Australia had, but she was only eleven. Sometimes it was easy to forget she was just a kid.

Amelia practically threw Molly into her seat, snapped, "Hold her down," and stormed off.

Matt seized Molly's wrists. She kicked hard at the table.

"Don't make a scene!" I hissed at her.

"I'm not making a scene!"

"The Commanders are watching, Molly! You'll never get promoted like this."

"I do it for the Canons, C." Molly did her little possessed child stare at me. It didn't work with the bob and slightly gap teeth.

"I do it for the fans." I gestured at the wall.

Matt nodded. "I do it for 'em too."

"Despite the fact you haven't got a single Fangirl."

"You just…ugh."

_**OHSUSANNAHDONTCHUCRYFERMEEEICOMEFROMALABAMAWIVABANJOONMAHKNEEEEEE**_

_Note: Now, here's one I understand._

_Title: artims and holle by Sheva Das_

_Summary: will artemes cofess his tru feelings 4 hollei read +find out i love_

_axh plz review no flmaes_

_Story: artmis was in haven hlolly was :-0 b/c artmis was tere_

_'arrti why r u here she aks_

_'oh holli arteis sas bendng down on 1 nee 'i luv u so much coming 2 ahven was_

_the onle way i culd show u my tru felings 4 u. will u mari me plz cuz i lov u_

_madly'_

_'fo corse arty ive lovd u from the first tme we met u are the hottst betr ten_

_trubel klep i will marry u' on wich holly and arti kissed_

_madly...pasionately..._disgustingly...

_and ten arty lved in hayven w/holy & he livved az long as a farey_

_and bulter came 2_

_nd teh counsil didtn midn bc artemes halped thme_

_**OHSUSANNAHDONTCHUCRYFERMEEEICOMEFROMALABAMAWIVABANJOONMAHKNEEEEEE**_

'_In the Sue Slayer Justice System,_

_Sexually based offences are considered especially heinous._

_In the organizations war on these crimes,_

_The events are investigated by an elite Squad known as…_

_Wait, Elite? What are you talking about?'_

By the time the snapshot was over, the rest of Slayers had all filed in and the trial was begun. And it was gosh darn tedious.

Matt was taking his moment in the spotlight for all it was worth, though.

"Junior Captain Lynch, you have been accused of Rule Twoing with the Canon Artemis Fowl the Second. How do you plead?"

Hannah sighed. "Not guilty."

"Where were you during Chapter Four of The Sue Slayers: Attack of the Clichés, or for those fuzzy on our timeline, seven weeks ago?"

"I was capturing Fangirls in the Artemis Fowl fandom."

"For how long?"

"Seven days."

"Have you been in the fandom before?"  
"Yes." Hannah nodded.

"How many-"

"Five – no, six times. The first four I was only in there for brief periods of time, then the fifth was when I had to pose as the Canons maid."

"Do you have a record of these events?"

"I gave them to Amelia."

Everyone in court turned to Amelia. She shrugged.

"I gave them to Grace."

Everyone turned to Grace.

"Molly?"

Everyone turned to Molly.

"I gave them to you, Annie."

"Oh yeah." said Annie, beside me.

She tugged a thick notepad out from under her arm and tossed it to Matt. He caught it deftly and began to flip through it. He found a USB, also with a copy of it on, and after a few minutes of fiddling with the laptop, brought a certain page up on the screen.

_The Sue Slayers: A New Fangirologist_

"'_Holy…." I muttered, my eyes bugging out of my head._

_Artemis Fowl raised his left eyebrow perhaps three millimetres._

"_May I help you?" he asked._

_I dropped my feather duster._

"_N-no." I told him. "I'm all good. Dusting, actually. Ming Vase."_

_He nodded. "I can see that. Who are you talking to?"_

_I raised my left eyebrow a full three centimetres, my mind switching back on._

"_I wasn't talking to anyone." I said, whirling around to check behind me. The Fangirl was still there, dark eyes filled with tears as she stared at Artemis. I turned back around._

"_Funny." Artemis replied, straightening his dark blue tie. "I could've sworn you were saying "Holy jeebus….emo….wow.""_

_He was correct._

_Damn him!_

"_Oh, that." I laughed._

"_Yes, that."_

"_I was…"_

"_You were…"_

"_Singing. Eminem."_

I snickered. Hannah was a worse writer than I was. Oh well, at lees ter shpellin wuz beta.

"This is an account of your first meeting with Artemis Fowl the Second, is it not?" asked Matt.

"Why, of course it is." Hannah did a sort of 'No shit, sherlock' smile at him. I privately agreed, but he had to ask the stupid questions.

Matt handed out copies of Hannah's writing to the Commanders and they began to skim.

"Some meetings with the Canon are in Chapters Five-"

_I looked up and simultaneously took out a headphone, dropped the broom and shrieked like a mutated Michael Jackson._

"Chapter Six, where Captain Lynch tackles him-"

"_ARTEMIS!" I screamed, and dove on him._

"Chapter Seven-"

Oh, this was just going to drag on and on and on and on and on and on.

_The Fangirl looked behind her. Artemis was standing in the corridor, eyes wide._

By the time we'd gotten through the rest of the fic, my favourite quote being _"Artemis was standing there in a plain black suit, looking at us like, 'Oh? You're still here? I thought you were gone.' _

_Not like I thought he would. You know._

"_HOLY CRAP!""_

Half the court was asleep and the other half were admiring the ceiling. The Commanders continued to read.

_**OHSUSANNAHDONTCHUCRYFERMEEEICOMEFROMALABAMAWIVABANJOONMAHKNEEEEEE**_

_Note: Again, I don't understand._

_Beauty Pop by Purple Patterned Flipflops_

_It was an ordinary day in the SP clubroom. Kei was eating a cookie. Ochiai_

_was being smart, as usual. Narumi was cutting hair. Iori was spraying perfume_

_all over himself. Kanako and the guy who says sorry all the time were_

_flirting, as usual, as Tarotard looked on. Oh, and Kiri was sleeping. All was_

_normal._

_All of a sudden came a knock on the door. Narumi looked up as the door burst_

_open and his father stood in the doorway._

_"SHOGO-CHAN!" he squealed. Kiri woke up and looked around blearily. "LYK, THE_

_SP IS NO LONGER DISBANDED B/C U WON THAT ALL-JAPAN CONTEST THING, CUZ EVRYBODI_

_NEW U WUD - "_

_He was interrupted when thousands of Narumi fangirls poured (or at least_

_tried to pour) in, bowling him over._

_"NRUM11 S3NP4!1exclamation point times 9 nonillion" they screamed._

_"AH1" Narumi screamed, trying to run. Unfortunately, he tripped over a banana_

_peel._

_"WHO LEFT THIS HERE?!" he demanded._

_"That's mine!" Kei said cheerily. "Give it back, Naru-Naru - "_

_His words were interrupted when Narumi's fangirls crowded Narumi and started_

_screaming and begging for autographs and kisses._

_Kiri went back to sleep._

_**OHSUSANNAHDONTCHUCRYFERMEEEICOMEFROMALABAMAWIVABANJOONMAHKNEEEEEE**_

After a break for lunch (Gummi bears and two minute noodles) the witnesses got a chance to take the stand. Well, not really, there was no stand. We got to stand up. Woop-diddly-doo.

Hannah took her seat and Matt leant over to Marcus, Hayley and Grace, talking quietly. He straightened and cleared his throat.

"We call Senior Captain Elliot-"  
"She's not here!" I sang.

"And why not?"

"Physiotherapy." I told him. "She rescheduled the appointment three times."

"Well." Matt frowned. "We call Senior Captain Clare Susan Martin then."

I looked from left to right. Oh, it was me!

Lol, I guess. That's all you can say in some situations.

I stood up and smiled.

Matt rocked back and forward. "How long have you known Junior Captain Lynch?"

I counted on my fingers. "Seven years."

"And you've been friends for this time?"

"We fought for the majority of the third year. She dropped my Batman comics in her pool."

Titters from the majority of the court.

"I see." Matt shook his head gravely. "And would you say Captain Lynch follows the rules of being a (Mary) Sue Slayer?"

I looked up over to the back wall, where the rules were written in massive letters.

**RULES, THE CARDINAL ONES.**

**1. Don't kill a Canon. Ever. This will result in immediate expulsion and you will be cut off from everything ex-Slayers receive.**

**2. Don't become romantically involved with a Canon. No kissing, no touching, no hugging. Even if they initiate. **

**3. Don't hurt a Canon. Unless it's absolutely necessary.**

**4. No running with scissors.**

**5. Respect the IDEALS of the Slayers at all times.**

I looked over to the IDEALS section.

_IDEALS OF THE SLAYERS_

_1. Fight dirty. Those Sues will kill you if you're nice._

_2. Fangirls are human too. They have rights, no poking._

_3. Follow the Rules exactly._

_4. Be nice to all Slayers._

_5. Follow the job roster._

"Well?" said Matt.

"She runs with scissors occasionally." I said thoughtfully. "And I've had to cover for her on the job roster. But haven't we all covered for someone?"

"Mmm." said Matt. "But would you say Captain Lynch is a great Fangirologist, worthy of a second chance?"

Oh, bollocks. "Um, sie ist…she is a…an ok Fangirologist."

"Just ok?"

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Hannahs face fall. Off and hit the floor.

"She's endangered my life three times by overlooking Squees. Most recently, my ex-partner, Elliot, and I saved her by Charging the Squee. That's how I got my Trapezium. She's lost her weapon a few times and ever since the whole ruin Artemis Fowls life thing she seems to have lost the plot a little."

"What would you decide Captain Lynch's fate to be, if it was your decision?" Matt asked.

I opened my mouth, but Molly got there first.

"I OBJECT!"

Ooh, instant headache.

"Please remove her, Captain Martin." said Hayley. "Captain Carney-" Alliteration is funny. "We have no further questions for her."

I grabbed Molly around the waist and hauled her down into the lounge, locking the door behind us.

"You NEVER behave like THAT in court!" I yelled at her. "IT'S A DEMOCRACY IN THERE. Now, you have no chance of defending Hannah because of your ridiculous behaviour!"

"You sound like my Mum!"

"I'm not your Mum, but I am your Superior!" I went to the fridge and found a bottle of Coke. "I am suspending you from all Canonverse missions until such a time as I deem appropriate, kleine mädchen!"

"But-"

"Rank pulling." I told her. "Besides, I can kick your little monkey butt from here till Thursday."

I rummaged through one of those drawers full of everything and found a notepad, and started scrawling,

"Dear Mr and Mrs Kearney,

your daughter has been suspended from all active missions due to misbehavour in a court martial. If this happens again, she may be suspended from all Slayer duties. If you have any questions please contact me.

Signed,

Slayers Captain, Snr. Capt Clare Martin."

"But I want to help Hannah! What's happening?" Molly began to bash on the door and I began to wish for Fangirl serum.

I sat down and switched on the TV, flicking to the CCTV channel for the Briefing Room.

"If you shut up and sit down, I'll show you."

We watched the trial in silence, Molly breathing hard and me chugging Coke.

**AND…CUT! God, that was long. Ok, on Fic that need more recognition… **

_**Confusing Thoughts and Arctic Swimming**__ by__** Eighthnote**_

_Set in the fourth book while the flock is on the Wendy K. Just Max, reflecting on her feelings about Fang and Dr. Amazing and her experience with freezing water. Oneshot._

**One word: SQUEEE!**

_**Emotion **__by__** KillersXInXIce **_

_Omega wasn't incapable of emotion. In fact, Max made him feel all sorts of things. Among them was the desire to possess her completely. Oneshot, Maega one-sided, kinda drabbly_

**Remind me to review it, it shows Omega in a different light than the EVIL ROBOT MAN we are used to.**

_**The Maximum Ride Guide to Mary Sues**__ by __**theweirdperson **_

_The unofficial guide to Mary Sues for Maximum Ride fanfiction._

**Ok, ok, it has a lot of reviews, but it's still relevant.**

**Thanks for making it through guys, I wanted to make it long for y'all. Next chapter up, I'll start writing it NOW.**

**-Nicola.**

**Word count: 3285 (Just over 10 Microsoft word pages in font size 12. WOO!)**

**Next chapter up: Ay-Sap.**


	15. Le Dance Of Le Fish

**I found a cliché I really want to do, but you'll have to wait for the next chapter. It's probably going to be obvious, cos I'm watching Hairspray…**

**But not many references today. Just three Monty Pythons and a Shrek. Find them all and win a preview of the next Slayers fic!**

**DISCLAIMER: James Patterson is a publisher ho. I am a complete angel (compared to him).**

**The Sue Slayers: Attack of the Clichés**

**Chapter Fifteen/Kapitel Fünfzehn**

**Le Dance of Le Fish**

I don't know what was the weirder – the fact I'd just tried to punch one of the most prolific authors of the last few decades, or that Matt was still holding my arms down. I wasn't that much of a psycho.

"I know you're angry about Hannah." he said. "I don't think anyone wanted her punishment to be so-"

"You met her twice and one of those times, you shot her."

He grinned.

"You have lot of anger bottled up."

"Thank you, Dr. Phil."

"Who's Hannah?"

"Like we're gonna tell you, sir." I said. "I don't care if you were on the Simpsons, that doesn't mean we're going to expose more of what we do."

"Basically, Hannah was her friend who disobeyed the laws of the Slayers and is now-"

"Thanks, Matt." I snapped, thinking back.

_**BUTIMTHEHOGWARTSSORTINGHATANDICANCAPTHEMALL!**_

I continued to chug Coke, ignoring Molly's glances at the teaser ahead.

"What's that?"

"It doesn't concern you." I said, swallowing. "You'll be in the Max Ride fandom."

Oops. Damn my psychic powers!

"Oh."

Matt was talking to Amelia about Hannah's work ethic. Or so I assumed – there was no sound. Amelia was making shooting gestures and, yep. There it was. She'd just pointed out Hannah's lack of medals and outstanding achievements.

Matt walked over to the Commanders and had a quick conference with them. He turned to the audience and told them to go to the lounge room, the Commanders would be making their decision. Again, it was just an assumption.

There was a bashing at the lounge door.

A correct assumption, then. I flicked the channel to a show with a guy singing some song at a piano as Molly unlocked the door. People began to file in, most making a beeline for the food.

"A Cartoon kamikaze, who taunted crocs and tots so frequently-"

Oh, _that_ song.

I put on a Host Club DVD and pushed my way through the people. I was going to hide out in my room until we all got called back in.

"Clare! There you are." said Matt, coming out of a closet. "How's Molly?"

I shrugged. "Strangely quiet. Do you know how this is going to end up for Hannah?"

Matt glanced up and down the corridor. There were a few junior Slayers, mostly from England.

"My room?"

"You mean you don't have an office?"

Matt was head of the Sue Snipers, an America only department. He loved it.

I dragged him down to my room, shoving a chair in front of the door.

"She's pretty much gone." he said, sitting down on the floor and kicking off his runners. He grabbed my favourite shoes (which I never got to wear) and strapped them on.

"Are you gay?" I asked.

"No." he scoffed. "They just improve my balance. And I look fah-bulous."

"You've got them on the wrong feet."

"Oh."

"Why do you have so many heels?"

"Why do you keep asking about my shoes?"

"Touche. So, what are you going to change when you become Captain of the Slayers?"

"Nothing much." I said. "I think we need to do more on karate or tae kwon do. Josh doesn't even know how to throw a punch."

"Well." Matt twisted his foot round. "I think I'm getting the hand of these. Shall we do le dance of le fish?"

I threw a large pointy object at his head. He ducked, grinning.

I found a Spiderman comic and Matt settled down with my drawing book.

He'd finished one frame of his manga when-

"Will Senior Captain Clare Martin report to the Commanders office immediately. We have an emergency in fandom 2 – 92 – 17."

Di Immortales.

"The Flock!" I cried. I kicked off my heels and ran for the office.

"Clare, wait-"

I think I received more than a few bewildered looks as I made my journey. I was pulling off medals and tugging my hair out when I bashed into the door of Grace's office.

Full on bashed, by the way. I did the whole 'face mushed against the glass and slide down with an eehhhh noise' thing.

Funny, the door was usually open.

"It's unlocked." said Amelia from inside.

"Getting used to your new digs?" I asked.

"Hilarious. Um, your nose is bleeding."

I pulled a few tissues out of thin air.

"Yeah, I called you here about the Flock."

Again: no sher, shitlock.

"What's with em?"

"They escaped the plot hole ten minutes ago." said Amelia, opening a video link on her laptop. "They're looking for you and Alex."

"Darcy."

"Ah. So, we need you to go back in."

She'd forgotten about my spending-too-much-time-in-the-Verses-and-overuse-of-hyphens! Well, she hadn't known about it in the first place, but what was three hundred hours overtime?

"I'll go and get changed. Don't bother calling Darcy, I don't want him to miss Christmas."  
"But this will be a quick job." said Amelia. "Just get them away from the house, and hopefully away from the Barries. Darcy should be fine."

"He slows me down too much. I have to explain so many things to him for the readers it stalls the narrative." Big words!

Amelia tilted her head. "Uh huh. Go get changed. And I don't want you in your room with Matt Carney and a closed door."

Kinky.

"He's gay." I said, exiting. "He likes my shoes too much."

_**BUTIMTHEHOGWARTSSORTINGHATANDICANCAPTHEMALL!**_

The Commanders were taking an awful long time, I mused, hurrying through the forest. Amelia was going to text me with Hannah's fate.

I really did want to be there, though. See her cry. See her weep. See her-Oh, I really was a sicko.

I popped my head out of the forest and peered over to the Manor-Mansion-Palace.

It wasn't any of those. It was just a regular house, a bit on the small side, with an overgrown garden and rusty four wheel drive.

I felt like I was in Frankston.

But according to The Good Book (Maximum Ride 1), that was what it looked like. Looked like the plot hole had done some good.

I skipped down the hill, happy as all heck, trying not to let my undies show.

Dumb dress. I hated getting disguised. Well, in book verses it wasn't fun, you usually had to mess up your hair and wear glasses, but the anime/manga/comic Verses could be hilarious. Except the time I had to go into the Aeon Flux universe. No, not fun at all.

"CLARE?" someone yelled.

"Hallo!" I shouted. "Hilfe, hilfe!"

Nudge and Gazzy came running up.

"Clare, where did you run off to?" Nudge asked. "We were so worried! The last time I was so worried was when Fang and Iggy and Gazzy left us it was so, like, worrying! I was so concerned about your wellbeing. I love that word! It reminds me of nail polish and I really really like nail polish-"

Gazzy covered her mouth. "Where's Darcy?"

I put my hands behind my back and stabbed my nails into a nice big bruise. Tears filled my eyes.

"Itex!" I cried, and began to sob. "Itex hat Darcy."

"Why Darcy? He's got the worst powers out of all of us!" said Angel, appearing out of thin air. "I mean, I just got the ability to teleport, turn invisible and now I can-"

Note to self: Shoot Barry behind the shrubbery.

I ignored her and continued to sob, thinking of my dear old dog who'd died when I was seven.

"Maybe we should take her inside." said Nudge. "Because inside is best."

I tried to stop sobbing as we went towards the house but couldn't.

"Oh Fergus!" I wailed. "Warum?"

Yep, weird looks for me.

I followed Angel through the squeaky screen door and straight into the small living room.

Ooh, Guitar Hero.

"Clare?" asked Max, coming in from the kitchen. "Where have you been? Where's Darcy?"

"Itex." said Angel, turning visible.

"Well, damn." said Max.

Ten minutes later we had a plan. It wasn't exactly mind bogglingly brilliant, nothing like my usual standard, but it'd do.

I made up the location of Itex. I'd almost said the Big Pineapple in Queensland, but that was getting just a little too ridiculous. I said Alaska, figuring if they had to leave America it would give them some diplomatic immunity. Besides, it looked pretty on the Simpsons.

"Right." said Max. "Go and get your packs. We'll leave in ten minutes."

There was a familiar noise.

Ding ding dong. Bing!

"Ah, the doorbell!" yelled Nudge. I heard her come thundering down stairs "I'll get th-AAAAH! MAX! MAX!"

Max ran to the door. I took the guitar from Gazzy and selected Dead from My Chemical Romance when-

"GAAAH! FANG! IGGY! GAZZY! ANGEL!"

Something was up. I made my way into the entryway.

"Holy Jedi!"

We had several visitors, all shoving their way into the house.

"We are the forgotten Canons." growled Max II. "And we want in. James Patterson has been ignoring us for long enough."

Yep.

Ok.

Bollocks.

She managed to get in and was pushed aside into the kitchen by a rather cute super-mutant. In other words, Omega. He was holding a small black dog.

"Right!" announced the dog, sounding rather like Sir Lancelot. "I'm bloody sick and tired of being ignored in fics and the main series!"

I damn well nearly fainted. How did they know? Hannah?

Well, she certainly got around if it was her. Slut.

"What do you mean, series?" asked Max. "Sure, the books we've got about ourselves don't talk about you after you disappeared from Lendeheim, but we don't know what happened to you or Omega!"

"Or those mutants from New York." mused Iggy.

"Or Sam and Lissa. You never talk about Sam or Lissa anymore, Max and Fang." Angel said.

"Or Anne. We don't exactly know what she did for Itex." added Gazzy.

"Tess!" added Nudge. "And who's Ella's Dad, and our parents and the parents Iggy found, why don't they try and find him and-"

Wow, James Patterson seriously needed to go over the books and figure out who was missing.

**The Big Pineapple is…well, it's a big fake pineapple tourist attraction in Queensland. Along with that, Australia also has the Big Prawn, the Big Ram, the Big Gumboot, the other Big Pineapple, the Big Banana, the big Golden Guitar and about a hundred and forty others. Australia likes big things. I think we're compensating for something.**

**All of that is factual. Go on Wikipedia and search **_**Australia's big things.**_

**I also am aware of the fact that Alaska is a state of America. Apparently it's your Tasmania.**

**Fics that need recognition:**

_**Olympian Pie**_**by **_**Sheva Das**_

_A songfic set to "American Pie" commiserating the lack of good fanfiction in the PJO community recently. Review if you are so inclined. Flames are accepted, but are rather pointless, as we work toward a common goal._

**This is something rare: a funny and clever songfic in the PERCY JACKSON section. It's pretty much relevant in every fandom though. On top of that, it's Sheva Das's first published fic!**

_**Frogs**_ by _**BlueWingedKitty**_

"_But if Jeb is using the spaghetti pot," I whispered, eyes wide, "Where are the frogs?" Fang looked at me apologetically. "Just…don't use the downstairs bathroom right now." Set 3 years brfore TAE. Cute little idea I had, with the beginings of FAX! Yeah!_

**Who doesn't like FAX? But seriously. It's cute and light and I like it. There's also a follow up called Jeans. **

**Yep. New chapter soon, a Christmas present for you lot. **

**Thanks for reading and reviewing!**

**-Nicola.**

**Word Count: 2024**

**Next Chapter Up: 28****th ****/ 29****th**** of December**


	16. A Genetically Engineered Hybrid To Boot!

**Firstly, Happy Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa and New Year to everyone! Happy birthday to jadeprincess147 and to Australian girls everywhere, Hamish Blake is awesome!**

**Well, we already knew that, didn't we?**

**We did.**

**Seriously though, I hope you all had a great Chrissy and got whatever you wanted (me, yes. Dexter DVDs, Nation by Terry Prachett and Laputa: Castle in the Sky are the standouts.)**

**We hit 200 reviews! We did it! Now, all we have to do is get to forty thousand words (personal goal).**

**References are Bring It On (the original, not the cash cow sequels), The Tales of Beedle the Bard and strangely enough, Katy Perry.**

**Right-o, here we go!**

**DISCLAIMER: Ich bin nicht James Patterson, ich bin der 'epitome von randomness.'**

**The Sue Slayers: Attack of the Clichés**

**Chapter Sixteen**

**Genetically Engineered Hybrid To Boot!**

It turned out the dog that sounded like Lancelot was Angels pet, Total. Behind Max II (who looked a helluva lot more interesting than Max I) (I think it was the prison jumpsuit) and Omega there was a group of six mutants wearing 'I heart New York' shirts.

I think I played my part perfectly.

"Who ARE you?" I asked.

"Allow me to explain." Max II smirked.

A small amount of movement caught my eye. A Barry. Huh. The card read – Maximum Ride the Musical. Ok.

Wait.

No.

NO.

NO!

A funky beat began to pound through the ground. Max II whipped her hair around and started sing.

"_I'm sexy! I'm cute! I'm a genetically engineered hybrid to boot!"_

Omega jumped in.

"_I'm bewitching! Great hair – the Fangirls love to stare."_

And then the New York mutants started chorusing.

"_We're wanted, we're kinda hot…we are mutants and you're not-"_

"Look, um, sorry." said Max.

Oh, thank Christ. She'd stopped them.

"You call that singing?" asked Fang.

"We gonna school you!" said Iggy, snapping his fingers.

"Nein, nein nein NEIN." I said. "No schooling. Schooling is bad."

I was shoved aside as Max moonwalked past me.

This was getting weird. Sorry. Weirder. I wheeled around and went back into the house, locking the door behind me. I took a detour into the kitchen for some doughnuts before running upstairs. I quickly called Grace.

"What is up, milady?" I asked. "How's Hannah's trial?"

"I'll tell you later." she replied. "Look, there's a battalion of Sues about fifty k's west, but Matt and the Snipers are heading in. Just a heads up."

"Ok, great." I said. "We have a problem. All of Pattersons forgotten Canons have come out of the woodwork, even the Background OCs."

"That is a problem. Anyway, can you get them outta there?"

"Probably not. And there's a coupla Barries outside." I bit my lip. Cherry chapstick. Nummy. "I think I might need Darcy after all. Cannon fodder."

"Yeah, Amelia told me you didn't need him. Enjoying eating your words? I bet they taste like-"

"_Anyway_, how's Hannah's trial?"

"Guilty of Rule Twoing in the third degree, as well as Canon Fraternization."

In other words, guilty of first base and becoming too chummy with Artemis.

"So, what will her punishment be?"

"Hang on a sec." I heard a click as Grace put the phone down.

I took out my flick knife and began to flick the blade in and out of the handle. Fuuuuuuun.

The phone was picked up again.

"Hannah has been 'Seriously And Like, Totally Dishonourably Discharged." Grace said. "She's got to leave within forty seven hours and she's been stripped of all privileges an ex-Slayer receives."

I continued to flick my knife. The privileges an ex-Slayer receives include optional Maths, Sciences and Humanities tutoring, free medical cover, school, University and TAFE financial aid, counselling and a nice gift pack every Christmas and Easter, regardless of religion.

"Are you still there?"

"Yep. Narrating. So, where is Hannah?"

"Packing. Duh. Don't worry, Molly's with her. We figured she could use some form of friend."

"Mmm."

"I've sent Darcy to the portals. He'll be in the kitchen in a couple of minutes."

"Awesome." I blinked. Dots were back.

"Bugger." sighed Grace. "I have to go, there's a wave of Crack!fics in the Potterverse. I'll see you soon."

"Yep."

I continued to flick my knife and listen to the faint strains of Maximum Ride: The Musical/Maximum Ride on Broadway/Maximum Ride's Got Talent!/Maximum Ride on the West End/Maximum Ride – Acoustic/Maximum Ride in the Grass/Maximum Idol/Maximum Ride sings Karaoke.

Ahem.

A clatter downstairs made me jump and simultaneously slice my palm open. Damn that Darcy. Hadn't I told him to practise his landings?

Wait, I hadn't.

Dripping blood on the carpet, I slid down the banister and arrived in the kitchen to find Darcy sitting in the dishwasher, groaning.

"Find me some paper towel, wouldya?" I asked, wiggling my hand at him.

_**ABOUTFOURMORECHAPTERSINCLUDINGTHISONEGUYSTHENI'MDONEHERE**_

The various musicals had wrapped up by sundown and the Flock had moved on to the bane of my existence:

Songfics.

The very compound word struck fear into even my hairy heart.

"AH-aaah loved yooooou all alowng!" wailed a very confused Chad Kroeger. "And ahhh miss yooooou-"

Max and Fang continued to dance in a loving embrace. Gag me. Iggy was flirting with Omega, who was flirting (yes, Omega. Flirting.) with Nudge, who was flirting with Gazzy who was coming on to Lyssa who was cracking onto Fang, who in turn was still dancing with Max.

Darcy was also having a shot at Lyssa. Red heads of a feather stick together, I guess.

And me?

I had a headache, bleeding hand, spots in my vision and there were six Barries _at least _hanging around. I thought about sneaking off to do some stabbing, but decided to wait until after dinner. How were we going to feed all the mutants?

"Did you ever tell us when you were going to leave?" I asked one of the New York mutants.

"Don't ask me, I don't even know what kind of mutant I am!" he said. "Fucking Patterson."

There was absolutely nothing I could see wrong with him (lack of characterization is handy). In fact, he was pretty good looking.

So, following the example of the Swedish girls I saw in Melbourne all the time, I flipped my hair and grinned.

He moved away from me, slooowly.

A gunshot erupted from the forest. Everyone stopped dancing and Chad Kroeger disappeared with a cry of, "Thank you and goodniiiiight!"

I stood. That was a Slayer-Sniper issue Semi-Auto rifle, MSS-1781 if I wasn't mistaken. In other words, the gun Matt used.

Three more shots, each about seven seconds apart.

I thought the Sues were fifty k's away! Or thiry one miles, if you're that way inclined. Or twenty six nautical miles, or fifty four thousand six hundred and eighty yards or-

"Clare, are you OK?" asked Darcy. "What was that?"

"Snipers." I whispered. "Sue Snipers."

"Sue Snipers?"

"They're American only. Australia has better things to do than sit in trees shooting at things."

Yeah, we sit on the ground and shoot at things. That's the way you do it.

"What are they doing here?"

"I was on the phone to Grace just before you dropped in. There's a bunch of Sues, but they're meant to be fifty kilometres away!"

"Oh." said Darcy. "What do we do now?"

"We get the mutants inside."

"Done. They ran in after the first shot." Darcy gestured. "They're raiding the fridge. The Flock have very short attention spans, and bad memories."

"Of course!" I said. "Like Patterson, that's why they-"

"We already figured that out."

"Who's we?"

"I…don't know. What do we do know?"

"Odd." I bit my lip. "We'll stay here."

"Don't you want to run in, all guns blazing?"

I grinned. "Yes, yes I do, but all I have is a both bloody and bloodstained knife and all you have is this twig."

I handed him a stick off a pine tree. He picked at the fronds.

"So? We wait?"

"Matt will come see me." I said. "He might have some extra guns or even a can of Bubble Mix."

"That would be awesome."

"I know." I sat on the steps and checked on my hand. Still oozing A Negative.

"Amelia said you have BF. What's that?" asked Darcy, sitting beside me.

"Battle Fatigue. It means the minute this is over I can't go back to the Verses for one…no, three hundred and thirty one hours. And that number is rising."

"Why?"

"If I stay here for too long, you'll figure it out." And it wouldn't be pretty, if I did stay.

Another shot rang out.

"God, he's trigger happy. But that's why I love him."

"Is he your boyfriend?"

"Nah, he's gay."

"You sure? He didn't seem gay when I met him."

I looked up at Darcy. I hate being short. "You don't know him very well. We've done it all. Saved each others lives a number of times…" I'd saved him once, he'd saved me three. Well, he was fast. "…Tried to kill each other a number of times, fought in the Great Shipping War of the Avatarverse."

"I've heard of that!"

"It was amazing. OOC Sprites blotted out the sun, Zuko got Katara pregnant seventeen times. I jumped two levels in three days."

I'd have to write about it one day. I was really, really behind on my Case Notes.

"Oh, and I met a Sue that could bend hamburgers."

"What happened to her?"

"I sliced open her carotid artery and threw her shoes at a Fangirl. Then I met a Parody Sue who'd turned to the real side of Sueism and could bend toothpaste and had mad fighting skills."

"So?"

"I borrowed a katana and cut her head off. It's harder than it looks."

"Decapitating people?"

"No. Though that is difficult. Katanas are weird."

_**ABOUTFOURMORECHAPTERSINCLUDINGTHISONEGUYSTHENI'MDONEHERE**_

_Holly in Trouble. By Falling Stardust._

_Or,_

_Trouble in Holly. Also by Falling Stardust_

_Note: Oh yes. I went there_.

_One day Holly for no particular reason felt sick. _

_She went to the doctor, who took one look at her and said, "You're pregnant! And because we're fairies and have super-duper technology, I can tell you that the father is Trouble Kelp."_

_Holly was dazed by such a random diagnosis and asked, "How can you know? I could just as easily have the flu. And I never even slept with Trouble Kelp."_

_"Too bad. The doctor is always right. Good luck with your child." The doctor promptly shoved out the door._

_Holly looked around, very confused, and then went off to find some really weird food because that's the only other pregnancy symptom the author knew._

_**ABOUTFOURMORECHAPTERSINCLUDINGTHISONEGUYSTHENI'MDONEHERE**_

**Just for those who don't quite remember the bases, they are (in rather clear language) French, Feel, Finger, Fuck. I'd like to thank my older sister, Alice, for the clarification.**

**Yep. Only a day late! But it might still be the 29****th**** in Russia or somewhere, you never know ;) PLEASE FORGIVE ME!!**

**Yeah.**

**Happy Christmas and a Merry New Year!**

**-Nicola.**

**Word count: 1861**

**Next Chapter Up: 2009. So I've got 12 months…Lets say around the tenth of January, to the fourteenth (which is my birthday! 15 at last…)**


	17. I Was Thinking Glitter

**It's all good. I got Dexter season 2 (which is about to be shown on free to air in Australia), Discworld books, Spirited Away, clothes and a BED for my birthday! The bed is awesome, because it's a double and now I can fit in it – I'm too tall for a single.**

**Anyway, it's all good.**

**Damn good.**

**But I've turned off Dexter because my Mum and Sister Dear also want to watch it and have gone out, and I've put down the Light Fantastic because I'm well, thinking about Dexter. NOT in that way…and thinking about the sequel to this, which is called:**

_**The Sue Slayers: The Shippers Strike Back.**_

**It deserved to be italicised, it really did. **

**So here we are again. New Slayers chapter. Now, I've had a look at where I want this to end up (it involves butt kicking of the publisher ho kind) and there will be at least four more chapters, and six more if I'm back at school before it's over.**

**I do not like this chapter. I'm sorry. I don't. It lacks the je ne sais quoi most chapters have.**

**My reasons?**

**It's a high-fire danger day (in other words either 37 or 98 degrees), I'm at home alone with my sister who seems to enjoy air conditioned sub-zero areas and I hate the tennis.**

**Which is what sister is watching. * sigh * **

**DISCLAIMER: Hi, y'all. It's James Patterson! Just wanned ter tell y'all that I didn't write this. Much obliged to y'all. **

**The Sue Slayers: Attack of the Clichés**

**Chapter Seventeen**

**I Was Thinking Glitter**

Waking up is disorientating at the best of times but – you know. Usually you're in the same place you went to sleep. Or you remember going to sleep.

Funny thing, though. I couldn't remember either of those things.

I sat up and felt a spongy mattress under me. Ah. One mystery solved – I was in an infirmary. Which infirmary was my next question.

"Hello?" I called. "I've got a gun!"

It took five minutes (now, that's service!) but soon the lights were flicked on and I saw the dyed blonde hair of Elliot and the bright ginger hair of Darcy.

"Three questions." I began.

"Australia, you passed out from over extension of your stay in Max Ride and no, you can't have anything to eat."

"Oh. Really?"  
"No."

"Why not?"

"Because the manual says you can't eat for thirty six hours after you come out of the Verse."

"How long was I out? Wait." I said. "I passed out?"

"Brilliant." said Elliot. "Ok, Darcy – go."

"Well." said Darcy. "You were, uh, babbling on about your old missions, like where you got the Death Note with Elliot but freaked out about writing a name."

"Oh, yeah." Elliot grinned. "Fun times."

"And then it was like you started stuttering on Yagami, and kept going Yaga-yaga-yaga-yag-yag-yag-y-y-y-y-y." Darcy choked on the last syllable. "And then you passed out, cracked your head on the porch and started convulsing."

"At which point the Snipers and I decided the coast was clear."

"You were with the Snipers?" I asked.

Elliot shrugged. "My Physio says I can go about my daily life now, as long as I do my stretches."

"So, Darcy, what happened next?"

"I had no idea what was happening so, uh, I checked you weren't swallowing your tongue and –"

"You weren't getting up or getting better, if anything you were getting worse. Like, really bad."

"Worse and worse how?"

"Coughing up blood. Gallons of the stuff. All over the deck."

I sat up a little straighter, trying to ignore the fact my stomach was eating my liver for lupper.

"So. I collapsed from serious Battle Fatigue."

"Mmm-hmmm. Level Seven. Pretty horrid, too."

Why did everything in the Slayers have a level? Honestly, it was getting ridiculous.

"I began to have a seizure and cough up blood."

"Yep." said Darcy.

"Why the hell aren't I in hospital?"

"The handbook."

"Ah." I nodded. "And how did I get back here?"

"Matt had to carry your squirming bleeding butt to the safe portal zone. He kept whining about his shirt being ruined but I think it already was. Covered in mud, blood doesn't make a difference." Elliot gestured wildly.

"I think he was trying to divert-"

"No one cares, Darce." I said. "Did Matt tell you he's gay?"

Darcy sighed and tapped his foot. "Can we please go now, apparently you need to go to sleep. And there's that thing-"

Elliot nodded.

"What's going on?" I asked. "Wait, what time is it?"

"5 AM, Aussie time. You passed out around midnight, their time."

"So, how long was I out?"

"I have no idea." said Elliot. "Maths…nuh. Just…nuh ."  
"And what's this thing, Darcy?" I asked.

"Patters…" mumbled Darcy.

"Darcy?" I asked.

"Don't say it…" warned Elliot.

"Go…do it." I said. "And take that last sentence the right way, please. Not the other. Just…I need to call my parents."

Darcy left the room at a rapid rate of knots. Elliot shifted her weight.

"Nothing has really happened this chapter." she sighed.

I shrugged. "We're saving the budget. Look, just get me get my phone, please? And my laptop, I've got Scarequeer to write. And some X-Men comics."

Elliot mock saluted and left.

_**HEWHOSAVESTHELIFEOFONEMANSAVESTHEWORLDENTIRESCHINDLERJUDEN**_

The slash fic was done, the rents were rung and the X-Men were finished by lunch. I was starving. I'd been hungrier, on stakeouts and duty and the like, but not lying around on a spongy mattress watching dramatic readings of My Immortal on YouTube.

"ARE YOU SURE I CAN'T HAVE ANYTHING?" I yelled down the hall.

Elliot stuck her head in and shushed me, before throwing me the Sue Slayers handbook.

I flipped past the tattered Codes Page and found the chapter on Sue Related Injuries/Battle Fatigue.

'_Battle Fantigue sucks. Suck suck suckitty sucks-'_

And here I was, about to eat my football gear.

'_It sucks, and blows at the same time. Remarkable. Battle Fatigue is caused when a Slayer spends too much time in the Verse. Time limits depend on body weight and size, as well as the age of the Slayer. Most Slayers suffer mild BF at times (sleepiness, irritability, chocolate cravings) but fewer are stupid enough to reach higher than Level Four. The Levels are, as follows:_

_Level 1 – Dry eyes, itchy scalp. The sufferer has only been in the Verse a few hours too long._

_Level 2 – Irritability, quick to anger. The sufferer has been in for too many days, perhaps a week._

_Level 3 – Blurred/spotted vision, mild insomnia. This is related and can occur in Level 2, but it becomes more apparent in 3._

_Level 4 – The effects begin to get more serious with thinning blood and disorientation. The sufferer needs to be removed from the Verse. If this is done so immediately, they will be able to go about Earth Life as normal._

_Level 5 – Haemophilia, headaches and sensitivity to light or noise. Get the sufferer out of the Verse ASAP, otherwise more ill effects will occur. They must remain lying down for two hours after coming out of the Verse._

_Level 6 – Apathy, intermittent blackouts, disorientation, speaking in tongues. If the subject was dumb enough to stay in that long, they deserve it. Remove the sufferer immediately. They cannot eat for twelve hours after coming out of the Verse._

_Level 7 – Seizures, long term unconsciousness. If the sufferer is removed during a seizure, they must remain as inactive as possible (bed is good for this) for forty eight hours, otherwise seizures WILL continue._

_Level 8 – Hemoptysis (coughing up blood). The sufferer must be removed and remain in bed for forty eight hours. They cannot eat for twelve. They may also suffer headaches and nausea when entering the Verses._

_Level 9 – Hematemesis (vomiting blood). Get them to an Earth hospital. Just do it, or there will be long term effects, including loss of brain function._

_Level 10 – Meningitis (inflammation of membranes covering brain and spinal cord). The sufferer is dead, because you were too stupid to get them out. Have a nice life, asshole.'_

Succinct, I guess.

So I couldn't really move for two days, and I'd be hungry for hours, too. On top of that, headaches and sickness whenever I _did my job_.

Oh.

Ok then.

Yep.

"Fuck!" I yelled, throwing the handbook across the room. "I'm going to kill Maximum Ride! And Patterson! And their little dog too!"

I sat stewing for a few minutes.

"Fucking Patterson, fucking Fanfics, fucking Twila, fucking hell, why did I become a Slayer?" I whinged. "Where's my pity?"

"You don't deserve pity." said Matt, jumping through the door. "I deserve pity. Firstly, you owe me a new Slayers t-shirt. Secondly, I missed out on meeting Patterson. Thirdly, your blood is still in my hair. Fourthly-"

"Wait." I said, turning to him. "Missed out on meeting Publisher-Ho? What does that mean, Matt?"

"After the events of the last few weeks, the Slayers had to do something. You know, though you're the worst case cause you're so little, there have been twenty two cases of Battle Fatigue over level four?"

"Twenty-two?" I asked. "That's insane!"

"So many Sues, so many Wraiths, so many…God, the Fangirls!"

"Are you one of them?" I asked.

"No, I'm a good Slayer. So, basically, we're going through Slayers like…"

"Yeah."

"Yeah. Anyway. The only way we can stop this is stop the fics. Just for a month or so, then we can go in, take out all the Frozen Sues and give the Fangirls new Squees."

I nodded. "Sounds fair."

"And maybe James Patterson will slow down with his writing. Or stop and take a few steps back."

"That'd be absolutely lurvely." I sighed. "Can you go get me some Two Minute Noodles?"

"No."

"Vegemite sanga?"

"I don't know what that is and it sounds kinky."

"A pie?"

"Clare, I'm not going to give you anything to eat!"

"But I'm hung-"

"If you say that word I will make you physically incapable of ingesting food."

"It's bad manners to hit a lady." I told him coolly.

"I don't see any around."

Oh, he was _good_.

"Who got to go see Jimmy Patt?" I asked.

"Gets to. They're going next week. They're going to get four. One Slayer, one Canonist, one Fangirologist and Miscellaneous, someone who's real good with breaking and entering. So far they picked Jack Nichols for Fangirology, Kasey Allard in the UK for Canonist and they're having trouble with the other two."

"No wonder Elliot and Darcy were in a hurry." I mused.

Matt nodded. "They won't let me go because there's already an American Boy."

"They won't let me go in case I spew blood all over the place."

"Pffft. They wouldn't let you go anyway. How long do you have to stay out?"

I counted on my fingers. "Sixteen and a half days, starting tomorrow. Grace'll probably bar me from missions for a month afterwards, though."

"That's not too long. Fight with her about it, then. Put some apples in those cheeks."

I raised an eyebrow. "Never heard anyone under sixty use that before. I can't be bothered right now."

"I miss the old, horribly violent Clare."

"I miss her too. She'd have floored you by now." I stretched out a little. "What should new, apathetic Clare do? Paint her nails?"

"I guess."

"What colour, Mr. Fah-bulous?"

"Oh, for God's sake, I'm NOT GAY!"

"Denial. Tut tut. I thought you were bigger than that."

"Pink, then."

"I was thinking glitter."

**Long. Slightly rambling. **

**Let's call it an exercise in Character Development and focus on what matters:**

**OBAMAS INAUGURATION! YAY! I'm staying up till 3 AM(or getting up at 3) to watch it. I mean, it'll be on the news all week, so even if I do fall asleep there's a fairly large chance I'll see the speech anyway.**

**But it'll be awesome, knowing there's millions of people watching exactly the same thing and it makes me feel part of something bigger.**

**Ah, unity. It's better than chocolate.**

**Thanks for waiting so long!**

**-Nicola.**

**Word count: 2041**

**Next chapter up: I don't trust myself.**


	18. Present Great Wacko Jacko

**HAPPY SORRY DAY, Y'ALL! It's one year since The Kevinator, our Prime Minister, apologised to the Aboriginal people of Australia for 2-odd centuries of murder, rape, pillage and especially the Stolen Generation. Wiki it, I haven't got time to coddle you on your Aussie history XD.**

**For some reason this chapter centres around Twilight. Could it be a set up for the sequel? No. I doubt it :P. Is anyone else super super psyched for Tim Burton's adaptation of Alice In Wonderland? I AM!**

**A reason why it's late: You know those throwaway characters in A New Fangirologist that have names, a hair colour and height that Hannah takes note of a grand total of once? **

**I needed them again. Whoops. Back to SS1, to pick out the ones that are kind of important…And then I reread the last six chapters and started going through the reviews…I PROCASTINATED, OK! YOU HAPPY???**

**Anyway, I auditioned for my school's production of Jesus Christ Superstar today – all we had to do was sing for 30 seconds. I was going to do Yellow by Coldplay, but I got up there and went…I'm going to sing ****Piano Man…**

**It went pretty well, despite the ridiculous heat here. I'm part of the chorus, which was what I expected – Year Nines never really get main parts. Only two did this year.**

**DISCLAIMER: I am hot, Patterson is not. In both senses of the word.**

**Vervolg Moordenaars: Aanval van Clichés (Broken Dutch)**

**Kapitel Achtzehn (Fairly good German)**

**Present Great Wacko Jacko (Awesome English)**

It was around five in the afternoon that something awesome happened.

"Noodles!" I shrieked. "The fast is broken!"

_**YUGIIMPREGNANTANDBAKURAISTHEFATHERYUGIIMPREGNANTANDTRISTANISTHEFATHER**_

Around five past five in the PM, Elliot returned with another bowl of noodles.

"That was quite a spectacle."

I bobbed my head. "I've been working on my Naruto Ramen impersonation." I found the fork and twirled it. "How are you…and how's the outside world? And how has this Patterson thingy been going?"

"Jack Nichols, Kasey-"

"Matt told me those."

"You're impatient today." And _how_. "Allard. Then for Slaying there's this girl from Russia – I can't remember her name, but guess what."

"What?"

"She took on a Double Cluster solo and won."

I whistled – or would've, if I could.

"And what about the Breaking And Entering?"

"Uh – Matt." said Elliot. "They figured, Greatest American Slayer Boy might be a good PR thing."

"He said he wouldn't be allowed cause they already had Captain Nichols."

"Maybe Patterson is like the Present Great Wacko Jacko?"

We both shuddered.

"No." I said firmly. "The boys'd kick his-hi!"

"Kick whose what?" asked Matt. He took a great leap into the room and slipped on the remainder of my first meal, cracking his head on the floor.

"Wacko Patto." said Elliot matter-of-factly.

"Makes sense. Hey C, I get to go see Patterson!"

I grinned. "Didn't see that coming. Awesome."

"Want some more noodles?" Elliot asked. Her phone suddenly began to beatbox.

No, seriously,

"Hello? What. You are kidding me….yes, you are! Ok, you're not. I'll be there."

She flipped her phone shut.

"Twila?" I asked.

"The mods…." Said Elliot.

Matt picked himself up from the floor.

"How badly?"

She shook her head. "I'll see you guys later. Matt, can I borrow your bubble mix?"

"Go ahead, it's in Clare's office."

I waited till she was gone before logging into fanfiction.

"Giving her more hits just gives her strength." Matt warned.

"You can read too."

"Schweet." Matt sat on the edge of the bed as the page came up.

Or did it?

_Story with ID ********* not found. _

"Matt?"

"I see it too. Go to her…you know…"

I quickly clicked and we found our way to Twila's author page.

"It's…gone." I said. "Twila, Da Gurl Who…it's gone, Matty."

"Holy sh – I told you not to call me that, but holy shit."

"Go find out what's happening!" I gesticulated wildly at the door. "Go, now!"

I stared at the page. Ranting on Preps, slitting her wrists…I didn't speak Troll at all – that was a Canonists job – but something was clear. The Moderators had deleted her story.

The screen was beginning to blur. I shut the lid of the laptop and sighed. I still had twenty or so hours left in bed.

Whee.

What to do, what to do, what to do…

I opened up my email account. Sixty three unread emails. The majority of the subjects?

'**TWILA IS GONE!'**

'_No more Twila C!'_

'**IT'S OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'**

'_FREEDOM, CLARE, SWEET MOTHERFUCKING FREEDOM!'_

'**Picking you up.'**

I sighed and opened the first one.

_**YUGIIMPREGNANTANDBAKURAISTHEFATHERYUGIIMPREGNANTANDTRISTANISTHEFATHER**_

Five hours to go. Or six. I'd gotten a little fuzzy with the maths. And the day. In _fact_, the entire timeline. It was fuzzier than a Care Bear.

"CODE CMYK YELLOW." screamed the PA system suddenly. "ALL SENIOR SLAYERS, FANGIROLOGISTS AND CANONISTS PLEASE REPORT TO THE BRIEFING ROOM. IMMEDIATELY IF NOT SOONER"

I had a feeling it was about Twila. Then I had a strange sense of déjà vu. _Then_ I wondered if I was allowed to attend.

Probably. Five hours wasn't that long, anyway.

I slipped out of bed, pulled on my jacket and found my reading glasses before joining the stampede that was all Senior Slayers and Canonists.

"Nice hair, Clare." said Elliot, catching up as I passed the kitchen. "What are you doing up?"

"I got bored." I said. "And you know, three hours won't make a difference."

"I thought it was five left."

"No. Three. I checked." Ignoring the fact that liars went to hell, I tried to change the subject. "So, what is this code for?"

"Not Twila. We're willing to let her go quietly into the night. I think it's Patterson. No doubt he's done something stupid."

The last time I'd been in the Briefing Room it'd been eight or so weeks ago. I'd sat with Hannah and lost fifteen games of noughts and crosses in a row. This time, I sat with Elliot at the back, trying to fix my hair.

"Do you have a brush?"

"Um…no. Sorry. You look ok, Clare, don't worry."

"Thanks. What time is it, bee tee double yoo?"

"Seven thirty in the morning." Elliot said. "They might've put off coding til everyone got up."

Anyone over ten had to be up by seven on weekdays, and nine on weekends. There was no bedtime for people over eleven, which usually resulted in fucked up sleeping patterns. Hence the lunchtime nap club.

Anyone under ten was usually up by seven anyway. Annoying little buggers.

I combed my fingers through my hair one last time and tossed it over a shoulder. Damn Rosalie hair.

Grace came out of the closet Amelia had been in during chapter 1 and coughed for our attention. We didn't give it to her. I glanced around the room, taking stock of the people. For your benefit, of course.

There was me, as Senior Slayers Captain, Elliot as my self-assuming second in command, Molly and her second in command, Kat. Kat was a low ranked Fangirologist as well, but if asked any question about any Naruto, Percy Jackson or Avatar character, she would know the answer. Amelia, o'course, and her second-in-command-soon-to-be-Captain-of-Fangirology, Tim.

Who was probably the most damaged person in the room. He'd once been kidnapped and held by a Squee of Langirls (L. Lawliet Fangirls) for six weeks. Hence his weirdness and his annoying tendency to slurp tea and eat lollies.

I yawned. Then we had Darcy with his SuperSpecialAwesome Canonist shkills

"Grace." said Elliot. "Is this about Twila?"

"You have no idea how many people have asked me that this morning."

Hence the closet, I guess.

"No." Grace continued. "It's not about Twila, and no, it's not about Internal Politics-"

I hated Internal Politics discussions. Shame I'd be part of more of them as the new Captain.

"It's about this MaxRide mission. As the leaders and Darcy of Australia we need to settle some of the rumours."

"Was this worth running a code for?" Amelia asked. "Seriously – it's just a High Level meeting."

EVERY SINGLE THING IN THE SLAYERS HAD A LEVEL! I banged my head down onto the desk twice, then sat up and folded my hands in my lap.

"This is the last mission of my career." said Grace, "I want it to be remembered."

"Gracie, this'll be fucking remembered. James fucking Patterson! Tied to a chair, guns and knives, being warned-"

"That's one of the rumours." Grace cut off Tim. "We're not pointing anything too sharp at him. A pencil, maybe."

I rubbed my forehead. "How are they getting in?"

"Matt is a superhuman and can actually read blueprints-"

Collective gasp.

"And they're getting in by portalling into Maximum Ride, checking they're in position and then changing the co ordinates to-" Grace checked a piece of paper. "26.715067°N 80.039371°W. Because Patterson will have the highest fic concentration in the area, the portal will open, hopefully, in his backyard."

"And if it doesn't?" I asked.

"We're royally screwed. Yay!"

I nodded.

"So, whenever someone asks you about this mission, just tell them this. I mean, they don't need to know anything else."

"Where's Kasey and that Alena girl and the team now?" Darcy asked.

"In America – where else would they be?"

"Jeez, Darce." I said.

Grace shot me a look. "Ok, guys, go have breakfast or whatever it is you do."

_**YUGIIMPREGNANTANDBAKURAISTHEFATHERYUGIIMPREGNANTANDTRISTANISTHEFATHER**_

It was another week before the plan was kicked into action. By then, I was up and about properly, but banned from all missions for a month.

"Clare!" said Elliot, bursting into my room. I shrieked and dropped my laptop.

"Elliot!" I whined. "You could've broken Patricia!"

"Is she ok?"

I checked Patricia for dents.

"Fine. What the hell do you want – I have the Tuesday morning meeting in like, ten minutes."

"No, that's what I came to tell you. It's cancelled and going to be held after the Patterson Infiltration."

"It needs a better name."

"I know, but what can you do? No, they want you. You have to go back to Maximum Ride's Verse."

I dropped Patricia again. "Why?" I said quietly. "Do they want me to get Meningitis?"

"I don't think they do, except maybe Hayley-" stupid bitch, thy name is Hayley. "-and even she agrees. You and Darcy just have to wait in the Canonverse, making sure the Flock stays together and no Sues are within a couple hundred metres."

"I can't do the impossible. And that's the impossible."

"There'll be a team behind you. Remember, the group we were in charge of at Fowl Manor?"

I chewed my lip. "How long?"

"A few hours. Five, at most."

I did some quick maths. Quick, by Slayer standards anyway. Ten minutes later, I came up with the answer.

"You'll have my back?"

"I'll have your spinal cord." Elliot gestured at her uniform and rather large gun.

"Right." I said, putting down Patricia and picking up my knife case. "Go tell Grace I'll be there in two minutes."

Six knives and a tube of bubble mix later, I bolted down to Grace's office. Darcy was waiting, gingerly holding a pistol.

"Go ahead, Captain." said Grace, pointing at the intercom.

I grinned and pressed the button.

"Will all Level Six and up Slayers report to the MURPC room in five minutes, ready for a hunt in the Maximum Ride fandom." I said. "Five minutes, y'all."

I released the button and let out a big breath.

"You'll learn to stop saying please." said Grace, scribbling something in a notebook. "It makes you sound weak."

"Oh really?" I asked.

"I feel ignored." said Darcy.

"I mentioned you in the narrative." I said. "Lets go Darce – do you have a place to hide that?"

"I was going to put it in a bag."

"Hmm." I said. "Come on, I'll show you how to work a portable MURPC controller. You might need it if you get attacked."

We made our way to the MURPC room and I rummaged in the spares box, coming out with a slightly battered portable, the size of a pocket book. Which were usually too big for my pockets. But in this case, it would. Because they were made for people with normal sized pockets.

"This is yours, Darcy." I said, handing it to him. "You can give it a name, but if you call it Excalibur, Zar'roc or Sting I will shove it up where the sun don't shine. Mine's called Bronwyn."  
Darcy gave me a weird look.

"I'm damaged!" I said cheerfully. "Now, to get to a different place in a Verse, you use this. Same number-letter combinations as on a mobile phone pad. Type in the address, or just the area if you don't know the address. Example….uh, 23 Lala Falls, Warburton. If you don't know that…Warburton. It'll drop you at the place where there is the highest concentration of writing."

"Are you finished?"

"No. Specify the country and the state. Otherwise you'll end up in Argentina."

That was not a fun day.

"Do you understand, Darcy? Darcy?"

Ugh.

"Alex, doooooo yooooooou understaaaaaaaaaand?"

"Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees." he replied

I smiled as the Slayers filed in, suited up and holding weapons I itched to use.

I typed in the Verse number on Portal Berth Two and stood aside.

"Go nuts." I said.

As Josh, Elliot, Kelly, Alyssa and Alyssa's nearly-graduated apprentice, Tom entered the Verse, I took Darcy over to Berth Three and changed the co ordinates slightly, before opening the portal.

"After you." said Darcy.

What a wimp.

**Warburton is a real place. Australia loves calling places weird things. Please see, Woop Woop, Moe (pronounced, Mow-eee), Orange, Mildura, Tasmania, Healsville, Toowoomba, Woolooloomoo, Wollongong and Willamakanka. Not sure if the last three are spelt correctly.**

**Now, to more serious business:**

**It was the hottest day in an Australia February EVER yesterday. My house and my friends houses are were all under threat and none of us can contact one of our friends, Mouse Boy. No, he doesn't have an account here.**

**But, if you're reading this, CONTACT ONE OF US OR I WILL SERIOUSLY KILL YOU HORRIBLY ON MONDAY. We really are worried about you, Mousie.**

**And my house? Fine for now. Ash is still was raining down, and I'm still wearing fire clothes. Me and my Dad had to hose down the house and I was crying, yes, crying the whole time because for some reason, I'm scared of a wall of flame destroying everything I hold dear. Funny that.**

**But it seems a lot cooler today, but people are comparing this to Black Friday and Ash Wednesday. There are still 11 fires burning and they reckon most were deliberately lit. Whoever lit them should freeze in goddamn hell.**

**All you Christians? Pray for rain.**

**All you Jews? Pray for rain.**

**All you Atheists? Do a rain dance.**

**All you Buddhists? Buddha owes you a favour. I think Australia (at least the southern bits) will love y'all forever. The Northern bits of Australia are under two meters of water. Shame we can't get it down here.**

**Oh, and America? Thanks for the water bombers XD.**

**I was going to upload this yesterday, but guess what? The fires destroyed the power lines just as I was opening the Document Manager. **

**REVIEW, GUYS!**

**-Nicola.**

**Word count: 2563**

**Next chapter up: Depends. On fire and schoolwork.**


	19. RAHVINGE, BEETCH!

**Hey look! Plot!**

**DISCLAIMER: James Patterson has churned out another detective series. I bet the longest chapter will be three pages long…**

**The Sue Slayers: Attack of the Clichés**

**Chapter Nineteen**

**RAHVINGE, BEETCH!**

"And zen ve ended up back haar!" I said, affecting a German accent for the first time in the story.

Max, slumped next to Nudge and Iggy, nodded. "So, you escaped pretty much the same way Steve McQueen did?"

Darcy grinned.

"Sounds plausible." said Max. "Look, it's late. I think we should go to bed."

"But I want to…_play _with Clare!" whined Angel.

"I vant to…_play_, too, Angel." I said. "But eet is time for bed."

Gods above, I loved the accent. I really, really, really wanted a pair of lederhosen. Or whatever the girls wore. Lederhosettes.

The boys shuffled off to their room, the girls to theirs. I was left with Maximum.

"You haven't seen my mom or Ella, have you?" she asked.

"No." I said. "Not for a vile."

Max shrugged, and left the room. I checked my vatch. Right. Half an hour down, four and a bit more to go. I sat on the sofa and turned on the TV.

Oprah.

Excellent.

It vas just time for Tom Cruise to make his guest appearance ven zere vas a tapping at ze vindow.

I slid it open and leaned out, shivering a bit in the cold air. A few flakes of snow landed on my head. Stupid global varming.

"Hallo?" I called quietly.

"Nice accent, C." said Matt.

"Vat are you doing here?" I asked.

"Well." he said. "Funny story. Not as funny as your accent, but anyway. I wanted to grab a few Sues before seeing Patterson. You know, stress relief. So I left a little early and I've kind of dropped my MURPC."

"Idiot." I said. "Do you vant to borrow mine?"

"Ja. I mean, yeah."

I reached into my shoe (handy things, zose shoes) and waved it at him. "Vair do you vant to go?"

Matt had the basic co ordinates written on his hand.

"26.715°N 80.039°W." I typed, before pressing the green button. With a small whooshing noise, a blue and yellow portal opened.

"Have fun." I whispered.

"See you soon." he said, stepping through.

I switched the MURPC to standby and sat back down to finish Oprah.

SMASH!

Or not.

A small, pixie-like FANGirl with ripped clothes leapt through the window.

"Mother Weasley." I breathed, wishing for a dart gun. Strict rules stop the Slayers from killing Fangirls unless they're gonna, you know. Kill _us_.

"Hi, have you seen Fang?" she asked in perfect, unaccented English.

"No." I blinked.

"Shame." she sighed. "You know, the fandom is going to get closed down?"

"Yeah. Sucks to be me right now."

This was really starting to get weird.

"Do you want to have a snowball fight?" she asked me.

I raised an eyebrow.

"No thanks."

"Snowman?"

"No thanks."

"I could make you some hot cocoa."

"Uh…" that did sound good. "No. No. I am, allerjic."

"So." said the Fangirl. "You don't want to hang out with me."

"No. Sorry."

"Is it because I'm FAT?"

"No!"

"Is it because I'm WHITE?"

"No!"

"Is it because I'm NOT A EUROPEAN WITH A CLICHÉD ACCENT?"

"No!"

"Well, it's something." said the FANGirl. "Is it because I write script fics?"

CLARE: Oh, Gods yes. I hate those. That, and Panic At The Disco.

FANGIRL: Prepare to die.

CLARE: Oh shi-

A small Squee leapt out of the shadows. One grabbed me around the throat, and two more grabbed my legs. I toppled over and was immediately the focus of a game of STACKS ON. I rolled towards the coffee table, sending two Fangirls flying before kicking out and getting the pixie one in the stomach.

A Fangirl yanked at my plait and I growled, punching her in the chest. A muscly brunette howled some Fangirl gibberish, "_RAHVINGE, BEETCH!" _and grabbed the fire poker, brandishing it like a sword.

I grabbed the smallest Fangirl and smashed her head into the table leg, knocking her out before pulling out my knife.

"Bring it, skank." I spat at Muscles. "But don't touch the hair."

She charged at me with a war cry.

_**IGOTTROUBLEDTHOUGHTSANDTHESELFESTEEMTOMATCHWHATACATCHYESILIKEFALLOUTBOY….SHUTUP.**_

I was still whimpering when I heard footsteps on the stairs. I leapt up, wiping my face and letting my hair down.

"Uh, Clare." I heard Darcy's voice. "What just happened?"

I pulled the poker out of the couch cushions, swinging my hair down to cover my shoulder.

"Never you mind." I said. "Just a leetle Fangirl problem. Help me with these, would you?"

He picked up the bloodstained Fangirl teeth and grimaced.

"On second thoughts, Darce." I said. "I'll do the cleaning bits. You take the uh, unconscious ones. Put them on the lawn. It could deter Sues."

Darcy seized the pixie one around the feet and began to drag her out the hallway.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck." I muttered to myself, tugging at the shredded sleeve of my jumper. The stitches gave out and the sleeve came away fully.

"Fuckitty fuck."

Blood was oozing out of my shoulder and going all over my arm. I never should have skipped the Fangirl Fighting seminar. But no, Matt gets an advance copy of The Simpsons movie and suddenly he's the most interesting person around.

I pulled another Fangirl out from under the couch and checked her for weapons (sticks), finding none. Darcy arrived and grabbed her.

"What happened to your shoulder?" he asked suddenly, dropping the Fangirl on her face.

I shrugged with my left arm. "A really stupid thing I did."

"Which was? Did you forget to guard your neck and wrists? That's what they said at this seminar I went to."

"In a way, D-Alex. It was a guy. I skipped it to hang out with him."

We finished up with the Fangirls and I did a sub-par job of bandaging my shoulder.

"Well, that killed an hour." I said, sighing. "I think you'll have to stay awake too."

"Why didn't the Flock hear?" Darcy asked. "I know Fangirls are invisible and silent to Canons, but you were making some very odd noises."

"The Flock are used to me making odd noises. Me and Iggy making odd noises, actually…"

Nudge nudge, wink wink.

"Ok. Didn't want to hear that." said Darcy. "How do you think they're going at Patterson's place?"

"Funny you should say that, Alex." I said. "I was just thinking it was time for a POV switch."

"It'd be nice."

"Mm. I wonder whose POV it'd be in. Hey, wouldn't Matt's be cool!"

"You really like him, don't you?" said Darcy. "Clare and Matt sitting in a tree, f-u-c-"

"If I hadn't been bitten, I would so punch you right now."

Once an eleven-year-old boy…

_**IGOTTROUBLEDTHOUGHTSANDTHESELFESTEEMTOMATCHWHATACATCHYESILIKEFALLOUTBOY….SHUTUP.**_

**JAMES PATTERSONS POV (I had to…I just had to XD)**

**CHAPTER ONE**

_It_ had been a _fairly_ normal day. I had _written_ another _four_ _books_ about _detectives_ and _finished Maximum Ride book seventeen: XAM. _But my day wa_s not over yet_.

**CHAPTER TWO**

I _sat_ back from my desk and _checked_ _the_ _time_. Just after _nine_. I could _write_ _another_ Women's _Murder_ Club before _Letterman_ _started_. I pulled a _clean_ notepad towards _me_, sharpened a _pencil_ and _thought_. I _thought_ about who the _villain_ should be…how about the _recently_ _introduced_ love _interest_! No one would have thought of _that_!

**CHAPTER THREE**

"_Patterson_. If you move one _inch_ we will be _forced_ to use _force_. And no one likes _force_." _said_ a voice in my _ear_.

I looked up from my latest masterpiece and stared. Four teenagers in black clothes were pointing guns at me.

_**IGOTTROUBLEDTHOUGHTSANDTHESELFESTEEMTOMATCHWHATACATCHYESILIKEFALLOUTBOY….SHUTUP.**_

**Matt's POV**

Patterson stared at us like we were serious avian-human hybrids. Or it could've been the guns.

"We represent an elite branch of fanfic writers." said Kasey. "We are the Sue Slayers."

"Ominous." Jack muttered. "Anyway, we're here to politely ask you to slow down on the writing. Especially Maximum Ride. Because dude, the whole fandom is a mess!"

"Fandom?" asked Patterson. "Why would it be a mess? There are thousands of stories, and the ones I see are wonderful!"

"How many do you read, per day?" Kasey asked.

"Two or three, usually ones my wife points out."

"Ah." said Kasey, a smirk crossing her face. "I'm an expert on your characters, if I do say so myself. I read about twenty oneshots a day, and a fair few multi chaptered fics as well. Give or take." She flipped her hair.

"The Sue Slayers?" Patterson sort of backed away from us a few inches. "What are they?"

Dang it.

Twenty minutes later, Jack and the fairly hot Russian girl, Alena had finished telling him who we were where, what we did, and why we did it - their reasons for doing it, anyway.

"And you've met Maximum and the Flock?" asked Patterson. He looked really doubtful.

"No." I said. "I've seen 'em, though, and once I shot an OOC Iggy right through his-"

"We don't really meet the Canons." said Kasey. "There are Canonists for that. Matt's girlfriend-"

"Not my girlfriend!"

"And her apprentice have been living with the Flock for the past two months. Or so. I'm not quite sure." said Kasey.

"Is she short and blonde?" asked Patterson. "And her apprentice is called erm…Darcy?"

"Yes."

"Ah. Right."

Authors often dream about the various Verses involved with their characters. It gets hilarious when crossovers are involved.

"So, Mr. Patterson, will you please, please help us?" begged Kasey.

"I don't understand what you want me to do."

Alena found the note from the Commanders and cleared her throat.

'_Dear Mr. Patterson, author of various novels, we, the Protectors of the Maximum Ride Canonverse and various Fandoms, ask you two favours:_

_First, we beg you to stop writing MAX. Just stop, read the other books, then go back and re write it. The majority of the fandom thinks that The Final Warning sucked, and you need the money. No, you live in Palm Beach. You don't._

_Second, we ask you to tell the moderators of Fanfiction . net to remove the Maximum Ride fandom for one month, from the first of April, to the thirtieth. This will make both of our existences easier – we can hunt down Sues without actually going hundreds of miles to catch them, and you'll get rid of the nightmares. _

_You know the ones. Fang and Iggy…_

_Yours truly,_

_The Commanders of the (Mary) Sue Slayers.'_

Patterson took the note from Alena and scanned it again.

"Do you have any idea what MAX is about?" he asked quietly. Those nightmares had been getting to him, then.

"Figgy?" asked Jack.

"My son said MAX is great! Not as brilliant as Daniel X-"

I shoved my hands in my pockets. "Ricky-Bobby, or whatever your sons name is, has absolutely no taste in literature."

"Said Matt, reader of Eragon."

"Jack, you said you wouldn't tell anyone!" I punched him in the arm. "But a girl's already endangering her life for us to come here, and if you're going to just sit there, we're under orders to destroy all Maximum Ride related manuscripts."

"You wouldn't dare."

Kasey held up a tattered page – page three of MAX. She began to tear slowly, wincing as each word split.

"We would." said Jack, holding up the rest of the manuscript. "You really ignore outside sounds when you write."

"I wasn't expecting this to happen." said Patterson. "But I need you to do one thing for _me_ first."

_**IGOTTROUBLEDTHOUGHTSANDTHESELFESTEEMTOMATCHWHATACATCHYESILIKEFALLOUTBOY….SHUTUP.**_

**Clare's POV**

…always an eleven year old boy.

"So, what are you going to do about your shoulder?"

"Take it like a wo-man." I said, half-shrugging again. "By the way, Alex, I think you're ready for Level Three Slaying now. You actually have to do something now, but you know. It's something."

In nearly all Classes, Levels One and Two are just a big bludge. Level One of Canonism, for example, is two Secondary Canons, any media form. I'd forgotten nearly everything I knew about Walugi and Dennis Creevey, though.

Darcy retrieved a bandage and some disinfectant from the first aid kit, and was bandaging me up when a portal opened. Matt and Kasey stepped through, clutching a bundle of paper each.

"Hello?" I asked. "What are you doing here?"

"Patterson is a fucking arse!" Kasey hissed, tossing her papers on the floor. I skimmed the writing on them – 'Maximum Ride 5: MAX'- and sighed.

"What are you doing here?" I repeated.

"What happened to your shoulder?"

"Fangirl, Matt, Fangirl. An articulate one. Geroffit, Darcy. I'm fine. What are you doing HERE?"

Kasey began to gather up her papers. "We broke into Pattersons, as per the plan, and we've convinced him, but-"

"He wants proof, doesn't he?" said Darcy. "Like photos."

"Yep."

"Wings out?" I asked, dropping the accent.

"Wings out, the whole shebang."

"Well. Yes. Arsehole."

**The POV switch to Patterson is a lot funnier if you've read a few of his books. All of the chapters are like, two pages long. And he italicises anything with the slightest reference to the plot. Like, if he wrote Artemis Fowl…**

_Artemis Fowl was the greatest genius in the history of Mankind_. _He had_ black _hair_ _and_ blue _eyes_. One day _he kidnapped a fairy_.

**Or something like that. In When The Wind Blows, every SINGLE TIME Max or the Flock flies, he puts it in italics. After a while it just gets sad.**

**Anyways, I was thinking more about the sequel to this, and when I should start writing it, and I think it'll be a longer wait than this was to ANF. Like, a couple of months. Because I want to try writing (in no particular order) a serious fic about Max II or Omega, some slash and try something new for the Bartimaeus Fandom, probably Barty/Queezle again. The slash might be Death Note, because everyone knows L/Light is the shiz.**

**But that'll probably never happen XD.**

**Ok, sorry it was a little late. Like, a few hours late. Which has got to be a record for me!**

**-Nicola.**

**Word count: 2496**

**Next chapter up: Fortnight. **


	20. D German Grin

**Here's the thing: I said this chapter was due in a fortnight, on a weekend two weeks ago. It's a long weekend in Australia so ****technically this ain't late. Well, it's one day late. Shut up. **

**I should be a lawyer.**

**And what did I do with my long weekend? Why, my friend took me up to her beach house in Lorne. It was fuuuun. Then today we had an excursion to three beaches. I learnt **_**so**_** much. Like, don't wear Converse and skinny jeans to the beach, even if they tell you to wear runners. And when the tide comes in on Sorrento, it comes in hard.**

**Also, this chapter required research. **_**Research**_**. I need to verify my facts. Also, did you know that the Alfred Hospital is the second oldest hospital in Victoria?**

**WE ARE IN THE HOME STRETCH, PEOPLE. This is either the second or third last chapter. All I can say is W00T.**

**DISCLAIMER: I am not James Patterson. My chapters are at least two pages long.**

**The Sue Slayers: Attack of the Clichés**

**Chapter 20**

**: ********D**

"Completely."

"Where are Nichols and the Russian?" I asked.

"Jack and Alena are guarding the Patterson." said Matt. "So, can you and the red-haired wonder get the photos?"

I briefly envisioned the conversation:

"Hey Max!"

"Hi Clare, what's up?"

"Nothing, actually, can I take photos of you and your family with your supposedly impossible wings showing?"

"Why?"

"To show a media-whore writer who'll probably sell you out."  
"Yeah, absolutely."

Or…

"Hey Max!"

"Hi Clare, what's up?"

"Nothing, actually, can I take photos of you and your family with your supposedly impossible wings showing?"

"Why?"

"To show a media-whore writer who'll probably sell you out. Ow! Why did you do that? Max, Max! Don't fly away!"

Or…

"Hey Max!"

"Hi Clare, what's up?"

"Nothing, actually, can I take photos of you and your family with your supposedly impossible wings showing?"

"Why?"

"To show a media-whore writer who'll probably sell you out."

"…You've…gotta be shitting me."

"Clare? C?"

I glanced at Matt.  
"I don't think she'll go for it." I said. "And don't even think about asking Fang."

"We could scare them into flying." Darcy said. "That'd be the obvious thing to do."

"Oh, shut up Alex."

"That'd work." said Kasey. "Max's fight or flight response is fight when flight would be anti climatic. So she'll fly away."

"Alrighty then, chaps." I clapped my hands. "At dawn, Alex and I will begin to work for Itex."

"Can you put the accent back on?" Matt asked.

"Then we can go home, right?" Darcy asked.

"Probably." said Matt. "You might get an urgent mission or an OOC Canon."

"I hate those. What exactly is the plan?"

"Glad you asked, Kase." I sat down on the couch, rubbed my shoulder and began. "Lets face it, this fic is pretty predictable and full of tropes and clichés, yeah? So me and D-Alex do a heel face turn and join the baddies. It'll involve guns for both of us, possible black leather for me and sunglasses for Darcy. Stop drooling. Do you guys understand?'

"Mmm. I'll go round the front of the house near the boys room. Kase, you'll go near the girls."

"That's on the east, right?"

I thought for a moment. "Uh-huh."

"How many photos?" Kasey asked, getting out her phone. "Because I can shoot video as well."

"Video would be friggin awesome. Just a few seconds on each Flock member, but as much as you can on Max."

"Why Max?"

"Because. The series is called Maximum Ride. Patterson obviously likes her best. Don't forget about the Fangirls either."

That made me pay attention.  
"I thought that Squee we saw was the only one!"

"Amelia hasn't gotten around to rehabilitating them yet." Matt shuffled his feet.

Damn her.

"We'll have to risk it." I said airily, taking out my gun and thinking about the breadknife in the kitchen. "Call in the American Fangirologists, Matt. Just a few. Now, Kasey. About this leather…."

_**THAT',IT''SHOTNO,IT''SHOT NO,IT''SHOT**_

"I can't see."

"Leave them on, Dar – I mean, Alex. Hey, can I call you Dalek?"

'"No, and why?"

"Because they complete the image."

"Of what? Idiotic costumes?"

"I like this jacket. Leave them on!"

"Why?"

"Because you're American. Jeez."  
"I'm taking them off."

He removed his sunglasses. I nodded at him.

"Go over the plan again." I said.

"Why?"

"Do I have to explain? Go over our part of the plan again, or I'll do my Joker impression. Why so serious? Why so serious? Why so-"

"The boys will be asleep in that room and the girls in that one. On your command, we go into our respective genders rooms and point the guns at them. If we shoot-"

"We will be using Fangirl darts, bee tea double you." I announced.

"Why?"

"Why do you ask so many questions? Some will remember that if a Canon touches Sue Serum, it causes all sorts of problems. Hence the darts."

"How come you-"

"No more questions."

"Why?"

"Holding a knife, Dalek. A knife."

"Sorry."

"It's ten to." I said. "Go."

Without a backward glance – though, in the predawn light it was more of a squint – I scuttled down the hall to the girls room and kicked through the door. Yes, mutant strength PWNS J00. I pointed the gun at Angel.

"Hands up or I shoot ze leetle vun!" I yelled. I'd reappropriated the accent because it seemed…appropriate. "I vill keel her!"

The second I'd kicked through the door, Max had acted. She'd flung Ella under the bed, punched through the window and was standing in front of Nudge, fists raised.

"Move and face ze vall, Maxeemum, or I vill shoot!"

"You're working for Itex, aren't you?"

No sher, shitlock. I flicked the safety off.

"Ja, I and Darcy are verking for Itex. And I am here to take zees vun. Darcy vill take Fang."

"Not Angel. Not Fang. In fact, take Angel, just don't hurt Fang!"

Oh, the Fax. Oh, the OOCness. Oh, the pain, the pain of it all. I gave her a German Grin. If one actually existed. It'd be something like:

**: ********D**

We digress.

Max leapt across the room at me, punching me simultaneously in the guts and the head. I'd never been hit so hard in my fourteen years, so it wasn't exactly hard to lie on the floor in a daze, giggling. Max followed Angel and Nudge out of the window.

After about ten minutes, Ella crept out past me.

About twenty minutes after I heard her calling her mum, I sat up, spat out some blood and glanced around.

"Clare, what are you doing?"

"Oh, look at all the pretty colours!"

"Erm, Captain?"

"Yes, talking Lamington?"

"Matt and Kasey have gone back to Patterson with the film and photos."

I struggled up at that, blinking spots from my eyes.

"Ok," I said. "You did brilliant Alex. What about the Fangirologists I ordered?"

"They couldn't come."

Bastards. "Why not?"

"Twilight problems. Apparently there's been a resurgence of Edward/OC fics."

"Of course." I said. "We'll do one last sweep of the house and yard, then we'll get out of here. You do this floor, I'll do outside and downstairs."

Darcy nodded and left, presumably to steal from Fang's iTunes library. Because that's what Slayers do – we steal.

I clattered downstairs and did a quick shufti of the kitchen before heading into the lounge room and sitting down.

It had been a long mission. Really long. Ridiculously long. Exorbitantly long-

"CLARE WHAT DO I DO WITH THE CHAIRS JACOB BIT?"  
"THERE'S NO NEED TO SHOUT. Just leave them, they'll think Erasers did it."

I switched on MTV, but found no music, and switched to a Simpsons repeat instead, before checking under the couch. After recovering the fire poker and rinsing it of blood, I started to sneeze.

"Wachoo!"

A fine spray of blood er…sprayed all over my hands and onto the couch. Bugger. I sneezed again, and blood began to flow from my nose.

"Crap, crap, crap." I mumbled, grabbing some tissues.

I sneezed again. It was getting quite disgusting, so I grabbed the bloody cushion and went out to the kitchen again, rinsing my hands and washing my face.

"Yuck." said Darcy, entering.

"You sure you got it all?" I asked, grabbing a new tissue. Oh no. Oh boy…

"Yeah. Do you want me to check the yard?"

I nodded and jerked my head over to the door. I heard it slam and then bolted to the sink as my stomach tried to escape. It didn't quite succeed, but it was a close run thing.

Whoo, I felt a little woozy. And why was Seto Kaiba challenging me to a childrens card game?

"Darcy!" I yelled. Everything went purple.

_**ITSJUSTASONGABOUTPINGPONG! ITSJUSTASONGABOUTPINGPONG!**_

**Patterson's POV**

**Chapter 1**

"I don't believe it."

**Chapter 2**

"This just can't be real.

**Chapter 3**

"Stuff like this…just doesn't exist."

**Chapter 4**

"Amazing," I breathed.

**Chapter 5**

"So, will you help us? " asked the blonde boy.

I picked up the phone. The group grinned.

"On one condition."

**Matt's POV**

I think the only thing that saved Patterson at that moment was that an unconscious, choking Clare and a flailing Alex dropped on Jack's head.

"Holy-"

Thump.

"Well, that was unexpected." Kasey quipped, shoving Darcy and Jack aside and checking Clare's pulse. Clare retched and threw up blood.

"Isn't this-"

"Yes." I said, pulling out my MURPC. "This is bad. What's that Hospital in Melbourne called?"

"The Alfred Hospital." said Darcy. "Hey, wait!"

Patterson had taken Clare's appearance as an opportunity to make a break for it. Jack dove on him and shoved him under the desk.

I opened a portal and grabbed Clare around the waist. Then I dropped her.

"She's wearing her knife belt."

Kasey unclipped it and I finally shoved Clare through the portal.

"Don't let him leave, Darcy come here, Kasey call that Hannah girl and Jack cover for me."

**Clare's POV**

"No, that doesn't matter."

"The fact of the matter is that you're an idiot."

"You're the idiot."

"You're being stupid."

"You are-Hey, Clare's awake! Clare, what's a synonym for stupid?"

"Dumb?" I said, trying to open my eyes. "Because that's what both of you are. What just happened?"

I felt someone sit down on my left. It was Elliot – she was clicking her knuckles.

"You went into Level something or other Battle Fatigue and started vomiting blood."

"On James _Patterson_."

I chuckled. "Where are we?"

"Alfred hospital." said Matt.

"Yeah, you spewed blood on everyone and made Matt cry."

"I did not cry."

I managed to open an eye and peered around. Yep, the Alfred Hospital. And judging from the colour of the hallway it was the Cardio Unit. And the signs pointing out where I was. But mostly the colour of the hallway.

"What happened exactly?" I asked. "Because I think a lot of people are confused."

"Basically," said Matt, sitting on my other side. "You were also an idiot. You knew you only had a few hours in the Verse before you got fucked up, but you decided to stay behind and clean up. One of the Canonists could've done that!"

"I am a Canonist, dickhead."

"You don't act like one, sweets." said Elliot. "And then you started fainting and choking on your own vomit. And Darcy comes in, grabs your MURPC and presses the recent destinations button, because technically it should have been HQ. But because Matt is also an idiot, he had to use it."

"And it took us to Florida." I finished.

"Yep."

"How long was I out?"

"Well, about ten minutes after you came out of the Verse you stopped spewing, but they put you under for the rest of the day to avoid shock. And to give you more blood."

I examined my elbow. Yep, track marks.

"Yeah. You were crying? Aww, Matty. Want a tissue?"

"I'm going to get some pudding."

**Not my best. **

**The pudding at the Alfred Hospital sucks, I'm told. Because it seems Americans say pudding is what we'd call yoghurt. Like, on Scrubs they're eating this chocolate goo and I thought it WAS yoghurt until JD is like, I'll never get sick of pudding.**

**REAL PUDDING IS STICKY DATE OR PIE OR SOMETHING WITH CARAMEL SAUCE! NOT YOGO!**

**Thoughts on this chapter, pudding, and Sorrento should be said in a review.**

**Also, if anyone has any questions about the Shippers Strike Back, go nuts. **

**-Nicola.**

**Word count: 2094**

**Next chapter up: Eh…the twentieth? **


	21. On Epilogues

**Remember when Artemis Fowl 6 and Breaking Dawn came out and I was whinging about how Australia doesn't get books as fast? Or the UK? Or Turkey? Did you think about Turkey, JAMES PATTERSON, when you put out MAX?**

**Thanks to Wikipedia, I've saved 25 bucks on buying the new novel because it's out. It really snuck up on me this time.**

**America? You lucky bastards. **

**Or I could just be really stupid – it might be out in Australia, but the nearest bookshop is nearly an hours drive away so I haven't been able to get to the shops.**

**Also, my sisters birthday party got gatecrashed on Friday night. Whee.**

**ANYWAY. Sorry, had to get that off my chest. In some good news, I get to go to SUPANOVA NEXT SATURDAY!!! I'll be in a really bad Misa Misa outfit (my parents didn't want me getting a wig or red contacts) and hanging around with a slightly emo looking guy and his friend.**

**And it wouldn't be a Slayers chapter without it being slightly late, would it? Though it is written in a slightly different way…ok, not really.**

**Mucho gracias to MyPenIsSharperThanYourSword, who had a look at this for me! You is rocking!**

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing but my DS, a broken iPod, an aging phone, clothes, books…actually, I own a lot of stuff. But not Maximum Ride.**

**The Sue Slayers: Attack of the Clichés**

**Chapter 21**

**On Epilogues…**

"I'm being discharged this afternoon!" I crowed, as Elliot re-entered the room. "An X Ray and then we can go bash the shit out of some Sues. Or go shopping."

"Shopping." Elliot gave me a sheepish grin. "Amelia says you ain't going into any Verses for a whole month. Thirty days, starting yesterday."

"Why didn't you or Matt tell me?"

"Didn't come up."

I sighed. "Oh well. I do need some toe socks."

"You have such great fashion sense."

I grinned. "How is the Flock? And the Pattersoninator?"

"The Flock are a little ahead of time in the Verse – they were meant to go into the book 5 story line next week, but you made them move."

"Writers block ahoy!"

"Uh-huh." Elliot cracked her neck. "And the Pattersonintor wants to meet you."

Something in German popped out of my mouth. I wasn't sure what it meant, but I had a feeling it could be translated as D'Arvit.

"When?"

"Mr. Patterson, you can come in now!" Elliot called sweetly.

My eye twitched as one of today's most prolific authors stepped into my hospital room, followed by an idiot. I mean Matt.

"Hi, Matt. Hello, er…Mr. Patterson."

He (the publisher ho) gave me a grin.

"Nice to meet the girl who saved my characters. Who knows what those fanfickers would have done."

I think he'd kind of missed the point. Matt and Elliot both rolled their eyes as he sat down.

"I think you've kind of missed the point." said Elliot. "Um, it wasn't just the fans."

"It was you. You and your book whoring. Thrusting out the sequels like it was your last go."

"Enough innuendo."

I'd only just gotten started.

"Clare." Matt said warningly, and then continued, looking at Patterson. "You heard what we said in your office – you need to slow down."

"But the world of literature needs me!"

"I don't think we can call Maximum Ride literature." I said quietly, anger making me twitch. "I just read your books. And I think they suck. Like, other people, Molly and Hannah and Darcy and Nic and Elliot think they're awesome. But dude, you have plot holes up the-"

"You write fanfiction and you have the audacity to tell me my series sucks."

"Oh, Gods." I heard Elliot whisper.

I raised an eyebrow, Artemis Fowl style.

"Did you just say fan fiction sucks?"

"No, I said you are a fanfic writer, and not a published author and you think yourself good enough to say my million dollar series sucks."

"You're saying I don't have enough knowledge or experience to judge your series." I sat up a little straighter, pulling my legs under me.

"Frankly," said Patterson. "Yes."

I saw Matt shift in his seat.

"I put myself and a young boy in mortal danger to save your series."

"I thank you for that but you-"

"I risk my life to save your shitty characters and you say THAT? HOW DARE-"

"CLARE, NO!"

"_Ich kastriere Sie und esse Ihre Ohren (1)!"_ I yelled, leaping at him.

Someone else dove on me and shoved me to the floor. I yelled as my IV was pulled out at a very odd angle and kicked out at Matt – for it was he who had done the diving – before giving up. When someone ten kilos heavier and thirty centimetres taller is lying on you, it gets a little hard.

"I'm going to get up and you're going to go back to bed." he whispered.

I obeyed, grabbing my IV needle along the way. I grabbed an antiseptic pad and cleaned it, before jabbing it back into my arm. Patterson winced and Elliot giggled. She'd taught me how to do that.

"I'm going to go talk to them about medication." she said. "Good luck!"

She exited, pursued by a bear. Wait, what?

"Clare's sorry." said Matt, sitting next to me. "She's got issues. Serious ones."

I don't know what was the weirder – the fact I'd just tried to punch/mutilate one of the most prolific authors of the last few decades, or that Matt was still holding my arms down. I wasn't that much of a psycho.

"You have no idea what so many people have given up for you and for…for Smeyer Masashi Kishimoto, and J.K. Rowling and Eoin Colfer! Like Hannah!"

"Who's Es-maya? And Hannah?"

Matt shoved his hand over my mouth.

"I know you're angry about Hannah." he whispered. "I don't think anyone wanted her punishment to be so-"

I bit his finger.

"You met her twice and one of those times, you shot her."

He grinned.

"You have lot of anger bottled up."

"Thank you, Dr. Phil."

"Who's Hannah?"

"Like we're gonna tell you, sir." I said. "I don't care if you were on the Simpsons, that doesn't mean we're going to expose more of what we do."

"Basically, Hannah was her friend who disobeyed the laws of the Slayers and is now-"

"Thanks, Matt." I snapped. "Look, Mr. Patterson. I'm sorry but until you can accept that you need to improve upon your writing, I am not protecting your Verse. Not for Stan Lee, not for Hugh Jackman. Not even if Edward Cullen, God Of All Things Hot asked me. Well, maybe."

"Does that mean the rest of the Slayers won't protect Max?"

"She can withhold assistance from Australian Slayers, she's their boss." Matt said. "But you're good with Americas. I think."

Patterson sighed. "I have to get back to your Head Quarters. I hope you feel better Clare. Nice properly meeting you, Matt."

He left the room, looking rather confused.

"You're BOYCOTTING the MAXIMUM RIDE fandom?" Matt asked incredulously.

"Let go of my hands."

"Sorry. You're BOYCOTTING the MAXIMUM RIDE fandom?" he asked again.

I nodded. "He's an ass. And besides, the fandom'll be fine for a few months. By then, Darcy might be able to hit something without going into Heroic BSOD."

"Oh. Right…what are you going to do in your month off?"

"Paperwork." I said. "And I have this mothereffing big case file I have to put together. And I have to catch up on my required reading. And gaming. And musicals, with that new section up."

"Yeah, me too. What is Jesus Christ Superstar about, anyway?"

"Tell me what's-a happening!" Elliot slid into the room, fanning herself with a sheaf of pamphlets. "I got you some anger management stuff. And something on Bipolar disord-"

"I don't need any of that crap." I growled. "Anyway! Any loose ends I haven't tied up?"

"There aren't any you can tie here." said Elliot.

"There is the matter of the shi-"

"Later, Matt." I said, through clenched teeth. "Later. I think it's time."

"Time to do what?" my friends chorused. They'd been rehearsing it for weeks.

"To end it all."

"How?"

"CHERUB Style."

_**ZEESIEEZZEELASTFUNNYPAGEBREAK!NONO,DONTCRY! ZEESIEEZZEELASTFUNNYPAGEBREAK!NONO,DONTCRY!**_

CLARE MARTIN returned to full physical health. Mental…well, too much damage has been done. CLARE is in the process of putting ALEXANDER DARCY through horrible, gruelling, violent training. I told you about the mental damage. ALEXANDER DARCY gained his level two Slayers ribbon under CLARE and is currently in a lot of pain. Again, mental damage.

ELLIOT REED's workload has increased dramatically as CLARE is giving her all of her missions that she was meant to have. Not that ELLIOT is complaining – she's gone up two levels in a fortnight.

MATTHEW CARNEY went back to America. Because he's an American. He continued to keep in close contact with CLARE, ELLIOT and ALEX. He is in the process of setting up an English branch of the Sue Snipers.

GRACE RODGERS left the Sue Slayers in AMELIA'S sort-of capable hands. GRACE began a course on Literature at Monash University and is living with her girlfriend in Melbourne. Rent is incredibly expensive, but having six other people living in the house helps.

AMELIA HIYASHI took over for GRACE RODGERS as Commander of the Australian Sue Slayers. She is yet to select a new apprentice and is not sure if she will pick another one. She is currently staking out Fangirls in the Spirited Away fandom.

_(1) Literal translation – I castrate you and eat your ears!_

**To quote Blimpage, IT'S OVER! There are some nice little references in this, and if you tell me what they are (and be first to do it, mind you) you get one of two things:**

**1) A oneshot written about the Slayers in the fandom of your choice. But it has to be one I know. Obviously. **

**or….**

**2) A character in the sequel who is YOU! Like in the first series with the majority of the backgrounds.**

**Until the sequel. Oh God, the sequel…**

**Now. This is the last chapter. You know what to do.**

**Yeah…**

**So…**

**Till next time, I guess.**

**-Nicola.**

**Word count: 1705**


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